Why you should avoid 'nil-by-mouth' treatment in your marriage this year

It has been a hell of a festive season for Rose. She and James, her husband, are not on talking terms. Rose calls it nil by mouth!

“It is so stressful and of course for that whole duration when we are nil by mouth we are not intimate, he pushes himself on me without uttering a word, I think that is what you call marital rape?” Rose explained.

Trouble started when Rose came home at 10 pm from work. Her office had an end-of-year dinner party. Although she had mentioned that she would be late, she did not expect to reach home at 10 pm. James had a rule that they should always be home by 8 pm. To add insult to injury, Rose had taken a glass of wine during the function.

“You come home late and smelling of alcohol!” James shouted at her, “Who are these men who you are having a good time with? You should decide if you want to be married or to move around with men.”

Rose was hurt and unable to talk back. She could understand that James was unhappy but the allegations he was making against her and the insults were unwarranted. She chose not to answer back and to look for an appropriate time to talk candidly to James about the need to be respectful.

But that would mark the end of their talking. James went quiet and would not answer her back whenever she talked to him. He even refused to take the meals she made. As they clocked two weeks of silence, Rose just could not bear the stress anymore. The distance between her and James was growing by the day.

And, to her amazement, James would still jump on her and rape her in the night. She abhorred it.

“So this is the reason I am here, I need a key to unlock this man to talk again, I need intimacy, not rape, to be loved and not sneered at,” Rose explained when she came to the sexology clinic, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Rose’s situation was a typical example of what many couples go through. One or both partners just go silent on each other! In some cases, they will be silent and distant emotionally but at bedtime want sex.

“I feel it is like being raped by a stranger because during the nil-by-mouth episodes, your spouse is a stranger to you, you do not understand or know what he is thinking and you are not emotionally connected,” Rose explained, “yet they will insist on sex and if you refuse the situations only gets worse.”

Refusal to talk to your spouse is psychologically traumatising. It is classified as a form of intimate partner violence, the psychological pain being more intense and harder to bear than physical pain. The longer the silence treatment lasts the more the suffering.

Incidentally, this is the only form of intimate partner violence in which the offender also suffers. Nobody can remain happy by not talking out their problems.

Refusal to talk to each other therefore leads to mutual suffering.

“Very true, the guy seems to be losing weight faster than me,” Rose noted.

Just like other forms of gender-based violence, it is important to face and solve the silent treatment when it happens and also seek to prevent recurrence. Sometimes counseling may be necessary to break the impasse.

Lessons on communication in marriage also help. Further, couples undergo sex coaching to prevent marital rape. They need to learn that psychological preparedness is important for healthy sexuality.

“Sir you can only counsel and train people who are ready to come and seek help,” Rose said, “my husband is not that kind of a person and things can get worse if I go home with such a suggestion.”

Under the circumstances, more definitive action was needed to solve the conflict. I advised Rose to write down her feelings about the situation.

Among other things, she wrote that she felt hurt, mistreated, angry, frustrated, sexually abused and of course, unloved. She had been unable to eat for days.  

I asked Rose to choose from a range of actions on how to solve the problem. She opted to take a break from the marriage. She added this to her write-up. I told her to take the write-up to James.

“And even if you decide to open up and talk now, just know that it is too late, you will have to come to my parents and ask my hand in marriage afresh,” Rose decided to add to the write up having understood that it was meant for James.

Two days later Rose called to report on how things had gone. From the clinic, she had parked her belongings and left the house.

James pleaded all the way having read her note and followed her to her parent’s home. Rose forgave him.

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