Be a better spouse to make your marriage divorce-proof

Everyone knows that you have to work at your marriage. But no-one really believes it. Instead most of us run our marriages on autopilot, and somehow expect the relationship to take care of itself. That doesn’t work. It takes real time and effort to understand and appreciate your partner.

So how can you become a better spouse?

Always tell each other the truth and be reliable and trustworthy. Put each other first in everything, choose friends who support you as a couple, and spend lots of time together.

Know each other’s goals, worries, hopes and fears, and create a sense of shared purpose from them.

Be as nice to each other as you can. Yes, it’s a choice! So do it all the time. Successful couples are consistently warm towards one another, even while they’re disagreeing. Even people who are highly independent, competitive, reserved or argumentative. It isn’t hard – just smile  a lot, touch, nod or grunt to show you’re listening, give small compliments and do small chores for one another.

Think about your partner’s needs, even when you’re arguing. Most couples fight so one wins and the other loses. Instead, find solutions where you both come out ahead.

That’s easier if you avoid ambushing your partner over issues and allow them plenty of time to prepare for the discussion.

Describe what’s happening and how that makes you feel without blaming; say what you want, not what you don’t want; complain but don’t criticise. Be clear and polite. And actively search for common ground rather than insisting on getting your way.

Make a point of responding to your partner whenever they ask for your attention, affection or support. Consistently responding leads to emotional intimacy, lots of romance and a good sex life.

Not responding leads to the divorce courts, even though you’re not actually fighting. So choose to listen to your partner when they’re venting about a bad day, for example, instead of insisting on playing your video game. It may not seem much at the time, but if you consistently turn away from your partner, then the whole of your marriage will gradually unravel.

It’s all too easy to focus on the negative things about your partner. The endless small things they do that annoy you. You end up missing the positive things about them.

Their honesty, the times when you get to laugh together. And all those hugs and kisses.

Happy spouses learn to ignore the bad stuff and focus on the good. So if your partner’s bad-tempered one morning, don’t make it a big deal. Just ignore it.

Then when they do something nice, make a comment on that. Guess what will happen? They’ll do more of the good stuff, and less of the bad.

It’s a lot easier than you imagine. Just emphasise the positive in your marriage, be nice to one another, think of each other’s needs, and your marriage will be one of the winners.

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