Campus dating: Why would a man feel obliged to provide for a woman he’s not married to?
A couple on a date. Investing too much too soon in pursuit of affection often leads to disappointment when the relationship fails to materialise.
What you need to know:
- 'Kukula fare' refers to when a boyfriend gives a girlfriend money for transportation to visit him, but she spends it instead of showing up.
- Men should not waste money trying to impress uninterested women, as this stems from the misguided notion that providing financially will make a woman more interested.
- Investing too much too soon in pursuit of affection, often leads to disappointment when the relationship fails to materialise.
For a long time, I followed the conversation about kukula fare with a lot of disinterest. For the uninitiated, kukula fare as a concept in Kenya is invoked when a boyfriend sends his girlfriend transportation money to visit him, but she chooses to ‘eat’ the money and be a no show.
Recently, this conversation came up with some of my colleagues. We were discussing feedback from a reader; a 21-year-old university student, bemoaning how expensive dating in university has become.
“We probably need a fact-finding mission to establish what this guy means by dating. That is the only way it will make sense why he says dating is expensive. However, if dating simply means spending time with your equally broke love interest after a boring lecture, surely it cannot be that expensive. Except you are trying to be with a girl who doesn’t like you back and so, you are trying to bribe her with money,” I said.
A male colleague said men are wired to want to provide – men are natural providers.
“I understand the innate need for a man to provide for his wife, children and family in general. Why do you want to provide for someone you have no responsibility over?” one of my female colleagues asked, pulling the question straight from my mouth.
He said something about women having higher value in their 20s while men have no value in their 20s, and that is why they feel the need to match up by doing everything in their power to provide for the woman they are interested in.
“What value is this? Why does a girl and a boy, both 21 years old, in the same university class, have ‘different values?” my female colleague further asked.
I wondered if this having value and not had anything to do with the assumption that if men give women money, take them to expensive hotels and buy them gifts, then they had a better chance of getting her to their bed. And so, in a nutshell the self-imposed pressure to providefor women they are not married to has something to do with sexual returns.
A year ago, I attended an event organised by a professional body. I was invited by an older friend who works in that profession. At some point, my friend left my side to go catch up with some of her colleagues. Almost immediately, a man, my dad’s age, walked up to me. Under normal circumstances, I would have loved to respect this man.
Side chic
I have been lucky that most men who are that age in my ecosystem teach me stuff about manoeuvring corporate politics, point me towards books that can improve my work, or open doors of opportunities for me. I think that is partly why I smiled at this man in greeting.
Turns out, his mission was far from noble. He came to me to embarrass himself. Using many words, he prepositioned me to be his side chic. He said he can get me anything I want. He even told me that he is married and so, he will not be too demanding of my time.
If you have imagined the shock on my face, you are on the right track.
A man I have never seen since Adam, walked up to me and the first thing out of his mouth was offer me money. I was saved from that disrespectful conversation by my friend who pulled me away.
I am not a man; I will never be one. But as a woman who has been approached by countless men I am not interested in, I will tell you something. If you have to spend money, especially money you do not have, to win her attention, or for her to accept to go on a date with you, there is a good chance she is not interested in you.
Investing too much
Do not spend your school fees on a woman on that silly mission of ‘proving your love for her’. Do not be faster than your shadow. Do not be the person people use when they need to give an example of what lack of wisdom does to a man. I know that something must kill a man – but must it be foolishness?
I would like to end with a piece of advice I received from Patricia Nyaundi, the then Commission Secretary of Kenya National Commission on Human Rights during an interview I did with her. When I asked her what she thinks is wrong with relationships between young people today (where we keep reading about people killing each other because of love), part of her response was: “I think the problem with many relationships stems from investing too much too soon, so that when a relationship ends, it feels like a do or die affair.”
The writer is the Research & Impact Editor, NMG
