Don't carry someone else's shame: The one rule that has protected me since age 12

To the girl who knows something isn’t right,

Over the past week, you likely heard about the widely published exposé of a teacher from a prestigious girls’ high school in Kenya. In the investigation, what sounds like a charismatic teacher took advantage of the trust that an entire system had in him, to groom young girls for sexual molestation. It has taken close to two and a half decades for the story to surface; for victims to find the courage to speak publicly, and hopefully, for the wheels of justice to begin to move.

On Wednesday, I had lunch with a bunch of ladies who shared similar experiences – of paedophile teachers. Teachers who said inappropriate things to them; touched them in a weird manner or manipulated them into inappropriate conversations. In one of my WhatsApp girl groups, my friend (her name is Debra) told us the story of a teacher who had ‘a relationship’ with one of her classmates. Mind you, they were in primary school.  When the ‘relationship’ was discovered by the school administration, the whole class was caned.

Also read: Fighting child sexual abuse

My friend does not remember if any disciplinary action was taken against the paedophile. She does not also remember if there were any lessons for the girls about how to keep themselves safe from rogue teachers. These and more stories I have read on social media confirmed what I always suspected: paedophiles exist across time, professions, and geographies. I have written about my experiences in a previous column so this week, I will dedicate the space to practical steps. What should you do if someone close to you – a father, an uncle, a teacher, a pastor, a lecturer – is preying on you?

I’d like to begin by speaking directly to a girl who has already been a victim of abuse. If you see this letter, let it remind you that you are not to blame for what happened to you. You can still speak out. Molestation thrives in secrecy. There is a chance the person has threatened you. Maybe they said they will kill your entire family if you tell anyone. Perhaps they have threatened to stop paying your school fees if you speak out. Speak out anyway. Refuse to be burdened by what is not yours. Don’t carry someone else’s shame!

My biggest survival guide since I was about 12 has been, not giving anything a chance to fester. It could be a comment that makes you uncomfortable or a neighbour staring at your chest for too long. When I was 19, someone referred to me as “sweetheart” in a text message. This older man was someone I respect and I did not think he had ulterior motives. But his referring to me as “sweetheart” made me feel very uncomfortable. It did not matter to me that I knew him as a good guy, it mattered that the reference made me uncomfortable. In my reply message to him, I asked why he called me sweetheart. We had a conversation, and I explained to him that the reference made me uncomfortable.

Gut feeling

Your experience may not be exactly as mine. It could be that someone is inviting you for drinks or buying you gifts. It could be someone asking you bizarre personal questions such as “why is your bum bum growing so big?” or “what did you dream about last night”? The point I am making is you will likely know when someone who is entrusted with authority over you says lewd things to you. Trust that gut feeling. If you are not confident enough to say no to this person, speak to another older person that you can trust.

At one point, I felt uncomfortable about the actions of one of my lecturers. But I was not sure if I was just being sensitive or if there was something this particular lecturer, who had promised me pizza, was up to. I sat down with one of my mentors. I was 21. When I finished describing everything, this mentor told me I was being groomed for something, and she gave me useful tips that were applicable in my context. Please speak out. You have not done anything wrong and you are not guilty. The sooner you speak out; the faster tragedy can be averted.

I will end with another note to any young girl or young woman who has survived a paedophile. It was not your fault. I pray that in one way or another, you find complete healing.

With care,

Daisy

The writer is the Research & Impact Editor, NMG, [email protected]