Life as a childless woman: Three women speak on their lives of misery, ridicule and hope

Upon marriage, many couples look forward to having children sooner, to culminate their union as is the expectation of African culture, and make the definition of a complete family.

However, that is not always the case for thousands of women. Many are grappling with infertility complications.

When are you starting a family? Is a common question many childless couples face.

Sometimes it is asked as a joke, sometimes pointedly, followed by discussions about their ticking biological clocks.

We speak to three childless women to understand their everyday lives.

Rose Wambui Njung’e is one such. We meet her in one of the leafy suburbs on the outskirts of Nairobi city.

As we settle for the interview, Ms Njung’e tells Nation.Africa that she got married 18 years ago. However, three years passed without her conceiving. When four years passed without no baby sign, she knew something was amiss.

“We visited a gynaecologist to find out what the problem was. We got some relief when the doctor said neither of us had a problem,” Ms Njung’e says.

The doctor put them on medication and told them to wait for the good news sooner. Their joy was, however, short-lived as they still remained childless one year after visiting the doctor.

She says they later visited more than three different doctors. They all said none of them had a problem, asking them to be patient.

Three years ago, Ms Njung’e, now 41, decided to see yet another doctor. The report she got after being examined was rather shocking.

“The doctor told me my ovaries were reducing rapidly as my age advances. I shed a tear - my biological clock was fast ticking yet I had no baby of my own,” she reveals amid tears.

Traditionally, a woman of childbearing age is expected to be a mother to earn a certain status, command and respect in society.

Childless women face a lot of stigma from relatives, friends and at times, colleagues.

In most African communities, childlessness is viewed as a curse, leading to a lot of social stigma. Even today, young couples without a child are stigmatized.

After a long pause characterised by deep thought, Ms Njung’e, who works in the insurance industry admits that when she clocked 40, she lost hope. She, however, says that despite the setbacks, she is optimistic and believes in God that she will “one day hold my baby in her hands”.

Together with her husband, they recently decided to give In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) a chance. They could, however, not afford the Sh700,000 cost for an IVF procedure, shattering their hope of becoming parents.

Ms Njung’e admits that one of the worst things a woman can experience is getting married and staying without a child, for years, while younger relatives get married and immediately get children.

She counts herself lucky for having supportive families. She says her in-laws have never questioned her childlessness, while her mother is her greatest support system.

At Marani in Kisii County, we meet Mellen Kwamboka. She is in her 80s and has been childless all her life.

She tells Nation.Africa that after ten years of being in a childless marriage, she resorted to the last option available to a Kisii woman – she got a woman to marry.

Ms Kwamboka reveals that woman to woman marriages were common when she was young. She narrates how she heard of a woman who had died in a nearby village leaving behind three young children.

“According to our Kisii traditions, when you marry a woman, you pay the bride price to her family, who then give you her children. This is how I adopted my three children, even though one died young,’’ Ms Kwamboka says.

Although she was grateful to experience motherhood in an unconventional way, she admits that it did not stop her in-laws and some neighbours from ridiculing her.

“Some neighbours even tried to turn my adopted children against me. They would tell them that they did not have to respect me because I am not their real mother,’’ she says.

Despite having adopted children, she says they have not taken away the shame and loneliness she experiences as a childless woman.

Before marrying another woman, Ms Kwamboka had tried a myriad of solutions.

She took special herbs from the roots of a tree that a herbalist recommended, which did not help. It was after five years of pain that she visited a doctor who told her she had polycystic ovarian syndrome. At the time, their meagre income from selling maize from their farm, could not afford them treatment. Her in-laws eventually arranged for a second wife for her husband. They now have three children together.

Her situation has clearly taken a toll on her. Although she is the first wife, her hut is located at the farthest corner in the homestead, almost in isolation from the other two mud-walled huts. People, she regrets, still point fingers and talk behind her back in hush tones.

“My husband does not see my importance. My clan members do not even include me in communal activities like harambees (fundraisers). Each day is a constant reminder that I will never bear children,’’ she says with tears dancing in her eyes.

Apart from bearing the brunt of an unforgiving society, culture has also been a major source of pain for childless women.

Kenyan society is largely cultured to hold motherhood in high regard, and expects a woman of childbearing age to become a mother to earn a certain status in society.

In Kisii, childless women were traditionally required to don a string, made from the bark of a specific tree, around their lower abdomen.

They were to tie it during the time they remained childless and during pregnancy, and would only remove it five years after successfully giving birth. Such women were also treated using special herbs from the roots of a specific tree. A traditional herbalist from the community, says the herbs helped some childless women to get babies.

In instances where the herbs didn’t work, the woman’s sisters-in-law were tasked to get their brother another wife. In some cases, elders asked the wife to look for another woman for her husband. If she said no to the request, she would be sent away.

Deep in the middle of Thika town, we meet an elderly woman operating a grocery shop at the town’s busy main stage.

Inside her tiny dilapidated fruits kiosk, Jane Mugure sells oranges, mangoes, bananas among other fruits. This is where she aces out her daily bread.

Ms Mugure strikes you as an ordinary woman living a normal life. However, when she opens up, we discover the pain and suffering she has undergone her entire life, in her spirited search for a child.

Growing up in Saba Saba, Murang’a County, Ms Mugure always longed to get married and have a beautiful family. She was, therefore, over the moon when she eventually got married.

After years passed without them getting a child, they got concerned. Ms Mugure, now 70, visited a gynaecologist, whom upon examination said her fallopian tubes were blocked.

She was put on medication, which seemed to have worked. In the early 1990s, she conceived.

“I went to hospital after I missed my periods for two consecutive months. The doctor, after doing some tests, revealed that I was four months pregnant. That was the best news I had ever received,” she says.

Her joy was, however, short-lived as she experienced a miscarriage shortly afterwards.

Despite seeing many other doctors thereafter, she says her quest to have a child was never successful.

Our interview is interrupted by episodes of sobbing as Ms Mugure narrates her spirited journey in search of a baby. More sorrow was to follow as her husband walked away from their marriage.

She says IVF was not readily available in Kenya at the time, adding that even if it was, she would not have afforded it.

Evidently, Ms Mugure is a woman who still yearns to have a child of her own, if only she could. Seemingly deep in thought, she says one of the worst things a woman can ever face is failing to get a child.

She, however, says she has submitted to fate and tells women in a similar situation to accept themselves as they are.

“I have been mocked, ridiculed and humiliated. Some people ask me why I am working yet I do not have a child. Others, including relatives, seek monetary support from me, to take their children to school, saying they know I will help them as I am childless,” she says.

More often than not, society is harsher on women, heaping all the blame for the family lacking a child on them, even in instances where the men are the problem.

In the Agikuyu community where Ms Njung’e and Ms Mugure hail, childless women traditionally faced harsh cultural discrimination.

Kahira wa Maina, an elder from Kangema in Murang’a County, tells Nation.Africa that in instances where a woman failed to get a child due to infertility (barrenness), she was required to scout another young woman in the community.

“The woman was allowed to handpick a woman of her choice and bring her to her husband as a second wife, and give her children. Allowing her to pick a woman of her choice was to ensure they would live in harmony.

The elder also says some women failed to get children due to unfulfilled demands by their grandmother/s, those they were named after, rendering the women ‘locked’.

In such instances, her father in-law would send a delegation to his in-laws with a coded message indicating that their daughter was unable to get pregnant, and calling for some inquiry on what would be the cause.

“Once the reason was ascertained, a special cultural ceremony would be performed to ‘unlock’ the woman,” he adds.

Religious beliefs have also been blamed for shaping negative perceptions, to a great extent, about such women.

Rev Josephat Musili of AIC Jericho, in Nairobi, says biblical teachings refer to children as gifts from God, adding that although the explanation for infertility amongst women is not specifically mentioned, it is inferred that at times, barrenness is a punishment for sin.

“Women who cannot have children are often looked down upon by other congregants. Others are accused of having led a ‘sinful’ life prior to getting married. Even devout Christians who are barren are still shunned and ridiculed,’’ Rev Musili adds.

Ahmed Ali Karisa a Mombasa-based Imam, explains that in the Islam faith, children are viewed as a gift from Allah (God) and are often referred to as ‘fruits of marriage’. However, he reveals that Quran teachings say it is Allah’s choice that some women become mothers, while others don’t.

Mr Karisa expounds that infertility in women is not a ground for divorce. Even so, Muslim men often take up another wife to experience the ‘fruits of marriage’.

Faith Masambia, a psychologist, notes that the high social value that culture and religion place on childbearing, cause monumental negative social impacts when a woman faces infertility.

“Women unable to have children may experience violence, divorce, social stigma, anxiety, stress, depression and low self-esteem. In marriages where the man is infertile, women are still more likely to bear the brunt,’’ Ms Masambia tells Nation.Africa.

If women find themselves in this situation, she advises them to first seek medical help. Additionally, she advises that they talk to a psychotherapist in case of mental health issues such as depression or anxiety.

Kenya Fertility Society (KFS) 2018 data, showed that two in every 10 couples suffer from infertility. It also indicated that an estimated 4.2 million Kenyans require interventions to conceive.

The KFS study found that 26.1 per cent of reproductive health consultations had delayed fertility, with 50 per cent attributed to tubal factors and 15 per cent to male characteristics.

Statistics from the World Health Organisation (WHO) show that more than 48 million couples and 186 million individuals in developing countries, suffer from primary or secondary infertility.

WHO indicates that in Sub-Saharan Africa, infertility is caused by infections in more than 85 per cent of women compared to 33 per cent worldwide, which underscores the importance of prevention programmes on the continent.

Back to Ms Njung’e’ and Ms Mugure; their wish is that the government would lower the cost of IVF to enable many women undergoing a similar problem, have children.

Fortunately, such women could soon have a reason to smile after the Ministry of Health launched the National Reproductive Health Policy, last year.

The policy among other issues, seeks to reduce the magnitude of infertility, and increase access to management of infertile couples.

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