Of the ungrateful house guest chronicles and other stories

This week, my friend, Mercy, told me she had given up trying to be kind to a relative she is hosting. Mercy is older than me, she is married with two kids and basically has a complete family home. The idea was Mercy and her husband host this relative until she gets a job, and then she moves out.

However, two years have passed since she got a job and this relative is not showing any signs of moving out. But that is not the biggest problem. This relative does not assist with any house chores, is wasteful, and moves about with a grumbled face whenever she is asked to assist. It does not end there: She has made it her business to gossip about Mercy and her husband to their extended family about how horrible they are.

Friends, let’s get something clear from the outset: If you are being hosted either to go to school or as you look for work, and you feel that the relative or friend who is hosting you is horrible, please leave.

I know this sounds harsh, but the truth is that as an adult, you need to rise above petty sideshows, appreciate the help you are receiving, focus on why you are being hosted, and remain respectful to your hosts, and you will soon be done with school or job hunting and you will leave.

I know some people want to read stories into this and assume I am advocating abuse. If anyone is trying to kill you, go to the police. However, if the complaints remain the usual cat-and-mouse stories about not being given eggs every morning, being asked to switch off the TV by 11pm, and not being allowed to be out of the house past midnight ‘yet you are an adult’, you might need to call yourself to a meeting to remind yourself the real reason for your being hosted.

Cut your hosts some slack – they have allowed you to live with them, eat into their family time (time they will never recover), and paid additional expenses on food, electricity, and house supplies. Can we cultivate an attitude of being thankful when we are helped?

As a lastborn, you can imagine I have lived with both my sisters at some point. My two sisters have different personalities. There is one who is orderly and organised and prefers everything in a particular way; then the other one is more laidback and the only thing she cannot do, maybe until hell freezes over, is doing the dishes.

Also read: Host your relatives, but let them know the cost

I learned the rules very first and adapted to them.  There were days, of course, I thought my sister was being extra insistent that I pack my cups back into the cupboard immediately after use (because seriously, the cups are not running away, are they?) But it never occurred to me to think my sister was being horrible—it was her house, her rules.

I am writing this piece because I know many of my primary readers have just finished university, and are trying to make life away from their hometowns.

As you find your bearing financially (because renting and running a house is quite expensive), you might find yourself relying on friends or relatives to host you or give you money. Trust the process. Few people earn a lot of money in the first three years of employment.

So, do not expect that the first house you live in will be in Kilimani at the cost of Sh100,000. Simply put, it is unlikely that you will afford such a house at that point.

Here is a bonus: If you are being hosted and are earning a little money, look for an opportunity to chip in. It doesn’t matter how wealthy your host is, people always appreciate help. You can decide to pick up one of the small bills in the house. It could be the water bill, electricity, or even helping to pay the house girl. Do something to help your host.

The money you earn might not be enough to rent your own place, but besides just eating out with your friends, set aside some of it to help with something around the house.

The writer is the research and impact Editor, NMG ([email protected]).