Raising alone, rising strong: Cut single mums some slack this New Year
There’s a certain amount of societal rage reserved for women who dare to do parenting alone—and their children.
What you need to know:
- A cursory glance at vile social media comments about single mothers reveals a certain amount of societal rage reserved for women who dare to do parenting alone—and their children.
- A friend recounted how heartbroken she was when her son was denied a chance to join a prestigious Catholic school because they did not have a “complete” family.
One of the most memorable lines in Ken Walibora's highly acclaimed novel Siku Njema is “hakuna mwanaharamu duniani, ila kitendo ndicho cha haramu,” which loosely translates to "there's no such thing as an illegitimate child in the world, rather it's the act that brings them into the world that's illegitimate”.
I don’t want to wade into a moral debate about why consensual sex should be termed illegitimate, as what should concern all of us is an innocent child being labelled for life. I’ve heard people refer to them with another derogatory term: ‘outgrowers’, which might not sound bad but can chip away at the child’s identity and self-esteem.
This came to mind when I read the heart-wrenching story of Kenyan single mothers who were trying to leave Saudi Arabia but were stranded with their children who were not recognised by the state. According to the story in the Guardian, “children born outside wedlock in Saudi Arabia are also not entitled to birth certificates and their undocumented status means they cannot access basic rights and services, including medical care and education, and are unable to travel outside the Kingdom”.
While this Saudi Arabian case is an extreme one, with levels of absurdity that can only thrive in a deeply patriarchal system, it echoes the stigma and discrimination that most single mums and their children face back home in Kenya.
A friend recounted how heartbroken she was when her son was denied a chance to join a prestigious Catholic school because they did not have a “complete” family. “They don't tell you outright. You just get to know from other parents and teachers, because the boy met each and every one of the requirements except that single one.”
A cursory glance at vile social media comments about single mothers reveals how this gaze is not limited to Catholic schools only. There’s a certain amount of societal rage reserved for women who dare to do parenting alone—and their children.
The 2022 Kenya Demographic Health Survey revealed that the number of households led by women in urban areas moved from 27 per cent in 2014 to 31 per cent, so it’s a reality we can’t escape. While some women are forced into it by circumstances, some do it by choice, and none is superior to the other.
The statistics about intimate partner violence being on the rise in Kenya point to relationships becoming a life-and-death affair. So, women who choose life deserve all our support, not judgement or condemnation. It’s challenging enough to play the double role of mother and father, so let’s cut single mums and their children some slack this new year.
The writer comments on social and gender topics (@faithoneya; [email protected]).
