The silent survivors: When women abuse their male partners

Studies of intimate partner violence mostly portray men as abusers and women as victims. Little academic attention is paid to men who are abused by their female partners. Even less effort is made to understand how men’s experiences of intimate partner violence affect the way they see their masculinity, and how they respond to female abuse.

Gender-based violence is a serious problem in South Africa, where an estimated 25 per cent to 40 per cent  of women face sexual or physical violence from a partner. A lot of this violence against women is linked to toxic masculinity – harmful ideas about what it means to be a “real man”, including being tough, aggressive or in control.

While it is crucial to challenge toxic masculinity in order to stop violence, it’s also important to consider that men can be victims of gender-based violence too. By understanding how men deal with their own experiences of violence – and what it means for how they see themselves as men – South Africans can better understand gender issues and help create healthier ideas of masculinity.

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We are sociologists whoresearch gender and masculinity. As part of a PhD thesis, one of us (Rowlands) sat down with 25 African men living in Johannesburg to conduct in-depth interviews taking a qualitative approach, which is common in this kind of study.

The goal was to find out how these men who are abused by their female partners might redefine themselves as men because of it. The paper this article is based on draws from that research to better understand why some of these men don’t fight back when abused and how that shapes their masculinity.

The men in the study have had to deal with things like being controlled, intimidated, or even hit by their partners. We found that, in response, some of the men focused on self-control, staying strong emotionally, and protecting their partners.

They said that they chose to control their reactions, associating true manliness with respect and non-violence. They used this ideal to maintain their sense of being honourable. We argue that, when victimised, some men reshape their masculinity, creating a healthier sense of what being a man means.

The study

The 25 men interviewed for the study came from South Africa, Zimbabwe, Nigeria, Mozambique, Malawi, Eswatini and the Democratic Republic of Congo. The interviews, which took place over five months, were held at a clinic in Hillbrow, Johannesburg, where these men sought medical help after experiencing violence. Aged between 23 and 58, they came from low socioeconomic backgrounds, facing financial struggles that often added to their challenges.

After getting medical help, they were asked if they would like to take part in the research. Those who agreed were given written assurance that their information would be kept private and their identities anonymous.

They were asked about what being a man meant to them in a patriarchal society where men are often expected to be tough and in control. They were also asked to share how they felt about themselves as men after going through abuse from their partners.

Their stories revealed issues that included physical violence and emotional manipulation by their partners, showing that women can also be violent in relationships. Despite these experiences, the men shared thoughtful reflections about what had happened to them, revealing the complicated power struggles in their relationships and their efforts to understand their identities.

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The study showed that even though they identified as “traditional” patriarchal men who are supposed to be tough and in control of their partners, these men chose to respond with non-violence and emotional control instead of fighting back. One man, for example, believed that staying calm was a stronger and more honourable way to express his masculinity:

I consider myself a better man because I did not beat or slap her. I know how to control myself, which makes me a better man.

This challenges the idea that being masculine means to be naturally aggressive and violent. Another participant believed that showing emotional strength was what really made a man honourable:

I still see myself as a man, because … I did not allow it to weigh me down …

Real men, he told us, have always endured things. “That is why I endure everything.” By sharing his story of getting through tough times by adapting emotionally, he described a type of masculinity that values inner strength, mental toughness and the ability to overcome. This way of thinking helped him stay calm when he was hurt and to recover more quickly.

Many of the men in the study saw themselves as brave because they could take hits from their partners while still being their protectors. One said:

I know how angry I get, and women are fragile. One punch could seriously hurt her, so I just calm myself down. They’ve been talking about the 16 Days of Activism … I don’t want to become a perpetrator.

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This again challenges the stereotype that men are always aggressive. Instead, these men show that they can change how they think about masculinity by choosing to respond differently to abuse.

The participants also understood that the mood of anger about gender-based violence in South Africa affected their response and shaped their actions. They tried to maintain their roles as protectors of their partners instead of perpetrators of violence against them.

What makes a ‘real man’

By practising self-control, these men believe that a “real man” is not violent, can manage his emotions, and is strong enough to deal with challenges to his dignity. These new understandings of masculinity help them to manage their relationships and encourage a view of manhood that supports non-violence and encourages emotional strength.

The findings show that masculinity is not set in stone; it changes based on the life experiences of boys and men and the situations they face. Indeed, this implies that boys and men are not necessarily born with a specific idea of what it means to be a man; rather, they learn and shape their masculinity over time and across different contexts.

Masculinity can be redefined based on a boy’s and man’s journey, what society expects, and how they see themselves. This flexibility allows boys and men to create their own ideas of masculinity, breaking away from traditional stereotypes and understanding their identities in more meaningful ways.

We believe that new thinking is needed to fight gender-based violence and toxic masculinity in South Africa. A range of players from social media and religious groups to schools need to promote healthier conceptions of masculinity – one that values non-violence and makes space for alternative masculinities.

Emmanuel Rowlands is a Post-Doctoral Research Fellow, African Centre for Evidence, University of Johannesburg while Leo O. Igbanoi is a Research Associate, Faculty of Humanities, University of Johannesburg