The hustler government wishes to inform all Kenyans that we have received a withering a memo from the Council of Governors threatening us with bad things if we do not accede to their pressure to protect devolution from unnamed persons in the Kenya Kwanza government hell-bent on sending it to the slaughter house.
From the onset, we wish to state that one of the overwhelming justifications why hustlers desired a new constitution was because state power and all its attendant largesse had been domiciled under the firm grip of only one man who had the yam and the knife, and all those who refused to bow to him could only see food in their dreams.
We hope with the latest happenings, the Council of Governors can now see clearly why our God chosen president opposed the promulgation of the new law that would reduce his powers in deciding who eats public money so that the whole country could return to God and ask Him for food in the spirit of returning Kenya back to the body of Christ.
For a long time, our opponents in the opposition – whom we beat like a bag of dry sorghum in the last elections – have been going around the country inciting hustlers against the hustler government lamenting at how the Kenya Kwanza government has been speaking from both sides of its mouth when it comes to delivering political promises that we made in the run up to the 2022 elections. It is now clear that they are the ones who have not been paying attention from the beginning – we opposed the creation of counties, then, and we shall not preside over their empowerment now.
Our position as the Kenya Kwanza government has always been clear; that there are many ways to put money in the pockets of Kenyans, and none of them involves giving anyone money to do it on our behalf. If we wanted to put money in the pockets of Kenyans, we know how pockets look like as we are the pioneers of the new Kaunda Suit fashion design. Therefore, anyone crying wolf that we have refused to assign them roles that involve stuffing pockets with money should first run for the president of the Kenya Tailors Association.
It is a well-known historical fact that Kenyans voted for the new constitution because they wanted services closer to them so that they could hold their leaders accountable to the resources entrusted on their behalf. It is also not in doubt that hustlers voted for President William Ruto knowing fully well his previous hardline stand on the devolution proposals in the new constitution that were not desirable to the occupant at State House.
For the Council of Governors to now come out openly and claim that some unnamed shadowy figures in the Kenya Kwanza government are planning to kill devolution is not only an act of insincerity on their individual part but also a plain show of collective hypocrisy to those they purport to represent.
Those who supported devolution with their full chest were well known when hustlers went to the ballot in 2022. They begged, cajoled, beseeched, entreated, implored, appealed, requested, and even pleaded with Kenyans of goodwill to vote with their innate conscience because the death of devolution was squarely on the ballot. However, in their God chosen wisdom the hustlers said they could not be arranged by children of dynasty and they knew what was good for them and their children.
The hustler government wishes to urge all our Kenya Kwanza colleagues in the Council of Governors who are currently weeping and gnashing their teeth at the imminent death of devolution to stop inciting the public against their God chosen government, and help the Kenya Kwanza government finish the journey we started together.
The hustler government is aware that there may have been infiltration into the Kenya Kwanza camp by the devil who do not want Governors to be with us in times of financial ill-health. We would like to take this earliest opportunity to rebuke the evil spirits sent by the enemies of this government.
To assist our colleagues in the Council of Governors come to terms with the reality on the ground, the hustler government has taken it upon itself to airlift international superstar Benny Hinn – who moonlights as a miracle worker – to come pray for everyone who works in the government but sympathizes with the opposition to change their ways quickly before the impending night of the long knives intervenes.
We have taken this earliest opportunity to send this memo out there, to go out to everyone who thinks they can benefit from being a Kenya Kwanza shareholder and still have the luxury to poke holes into our bottom-up economic transformation agenda (BeTA), that if they wanted to quit the Kenya Kwanza government they should do so openly and join our opponents dipping sufurias on their heads.
The fact that we have been quiet when Kenya Kwanza insiders attack our favourite God chosen hustler government, does not mean we have suddenly become powerless. If this worrying trend continues, we will be forced to prove to all and sundry that it is possible to eat taxpayer money and chew gum at the same time.
In the same vein, the hustler government wishes to send a strong warning to any Kenya Kwanza Governor who might be tempted to lecture our Cabinet Secretaries on the boundaries to their roles and functions that all CSs constitutionally are mandated to defer to only one boss whom they owe total allegiance to, and it is not the Council of Governors.
Governors lying to themselves that they know more about devolution than their Party Leader should always remember to be alive to the fact that they are not the first to threaten the government with bad things, neither shall they be the last. Scaring the president with big words like ‘breaking point’, ‘claw back’, ‘revolt’ and the likes, will not soften the heart of our god chosen president to start shedding tears in submission for fear of the Lord.
As a matter of fact, using those big words has the potential to achieve the opposite effect; that of tightening the screw because none of you has the capacity to do him nothing.
