The hustler government wishes to inform all parents with secondary school-going children that the smoke emanating from the e-Citizen fire they lit this week has been sighted from our lofty vantage lookout at State House Nairobi.
As a result, any parent who is yet to activate the smoke signal in their kitchens is hereby reminded to do so now before we call the fire brigade to switch off those irritating alarms all at once.
In August 2022, when you braved harsh elements to join the Church in kicking out children of dynasty from destroying the Godly foundation that this country was founded on, you did so knowing that never at one time will the hustler government stand by and watch as the collective anger of its citizens get to boiling point without us directly intervening to cool down the fire.=
This is why our God chosen president has taken it upon himself to remind any hustler who might be having anger management issues to call their nearest Community Health Promoter (CHP) for heartburn pills, if they have not yet sold the first aid kit we gave them to pay themselves salary arrears.
The president cast aspersions on the integrity of the head teachers. Even regular Kenyans have never been told where their taxes go to, and now we want to ask head teachers to tell us where our money is. Instead of going after school heads who compete with government on who can eat public money the most, you shut down the entire payment system structure and inconvenience mostly the innocent who has nothing to do with your jealousy.
On behalf of the children of hustlers who trekked to school barefoot and sold roadside chicken to make ends meet, we wish to remind all secondary school principals inciting parents to address our president the way they want, that the government has a record of their personal files detailing their complicated relationship with school fees and if they continue on the warpath, we can neither confirm nor deny we shall send them to psycho-financial therapists to help them with reintegrating back to the broke community once they are through with their financial health assessment.
We have taken this earliest opportunity to issue this humble notice before we share it with the general public to give secondary school principals ample time to adjust to their newfound freedom which they themselves voted for in the 2022 elections.
Talk to any Mau Mau war veteran still alive today, and they will confess to you that the freedom parents in Kenya enjoy today did not come easy. They had to hide in the forest to duck missile detection from those with ill-motive and hell-bent on robbing them of their birthright to productive agricultural land with scenic views that is the envy of everyone with power and privilege.
For far too long, children of dynasty at the Ministry of Education enjoyed the monopoly of setting their own school fees and collecting it from parents at source, building hideous gothic structures with the loot and loading it on children of hustlers every election year.
From 2024 onwards, children of hustlers have decided to put a stop to this postcolonial gravy train by rounding up all pay outlets and depositing it all at the seat of power.
During the 2022 campaigns, the hustler government promised parents with school-going children that the first assignment after bringing down the Bible at the Kasarani stadium would be to confront education cartels who siphon their hard-earned school fees.
Slightly more than one-and-a-half years down the line, the hustler government is pleased to learn that parents have fully embraced this idea and cannot wait to kick out the school principals and help the government run the schools on vibes and inshallah.
For a long time, national schools in this country have been a preserve of children of dynasty born into families who inherited the postcolonial hangover of grabbing good things for themselves and leaving the children of Mau Mau to fight for the crumbs of freedom in crowded village schools. With the e-Citizen directive, the hustler government has levelled the playing field by ensuring all parents, regardless of economic background, will have a payment receipt with the same logo and signature, and those children of dynasty fond of unveiling their family files to brag at the schools they went to will now only have e-Citizen High School just like the rest of us.
We have also heard parents with children in national schools opposing the payment of fees on e-Citizen claiming there are no guarantees their money shall reach the school in time for their children to be assured of personal comfort in the halls of residence and a reliable hot meal at the dining hall. This argument has also been amplified by school principals warning of massive school shutdowns due to the delays in capitation funds that has been the hallmark of the hustler regime since we took over the running of this country from those who do not believe in God.
In response, the hustler government wishes to inform all school suppliers – who are worried about their monies going into the e-Citizen callbox, that whoever feels that the hustler government is no longer providing a conducive environment for local investors to do business with schools – to dissolve their bank accounts and use the money to buy laptops which they will only need to press to receive free money just like their fellow hustlers in Taptengelei.
And to all those accusing us of changing our identity from being pro-hustlers to being pro-money since we took the oath of office, we would like to remind you that the Bible says in the Book of Mathew 4:4 that man shall not live by bread alone. If the keys to the system that has been guaranteeing school principals bread have had their locks changed, the hustler government has not locked all the doors leading school principals to freedom from hunger. When we said that only real hustlers will make money in this government they thought it was just another campaign gimmick.
Whoever wants to continue receiving firewood as a form of school fees payment is welcome to do the same. If the Lord God turned the stick Moses was holding into a snake to go scare Pharaoh with; likewise, school principals who do not keep witchcraft objects in their office lockers will only need to pray for the firewood for them to turn into school fees.
