I would’ve asked if this letter has found you well but we understand you’re a busy man and the nature of your job doesn’t guarantee you the legroom to entertain niceties, unless it’s from those who can give you more loans at the expense of choking us with the high cost of living.
From the very onset, allow me to congratulate you for making it past one and half years since you single-handedly brought down the heavy Bible at the Kasarani stadium without any help from children of dynasty who had previously mocked you for having leadership credentials that could not get past organizing those selling chicken by the roadside.
Through your strong belief in God and a few shortcuts here and there, you made it to the top without having neither tall relatives in government nor short attention span in learning the ropes. You’re surely an inspiration to all struggling hustlers.
Keep tightening the powerful grip on our weakening necks - it’s the only way for us to learn the hard way, just like you did growing up without shoes.
Mr President. Currently you haven’t been sleeping well, and we can see it on your increasingly wrinkling face.
We understand being the president of hustlers is not an easy undertaking and it needs you to be constantly in touch with your people directly even though whenever you meet them halfway at your public gatherings you expect maximum adoration and all those who have attempted to engage you in an onsite discussion have met your boiling anger which is about to be classified as an inflammable material and be supplied to all kitchens to replace the affordable cooking gas that you promised would come in six month’s which is yet to be historic.
Mr President. In other jurisdictions, getting heckled by those who have nothing to lose is supposed to be a badge of honour for those on the receiving end. It means you have made some bold decisions that hasn’t gone down well with the masses and because you’re the only one who was chosen by God to be president.
Next time anyone attempts to come close to heckling you at your own function, Mr President, the doctors are recommending that you try another workable win-win solution that will guarantee you better mental health results. Something like pausing to understand the source of the incessant heckling, and inviting one of the noisemakers to your sunroof and asking them to say those things on your microphone if they’re man or woman enough.
You will find that those who have made it a habit to tell you the naked truth to your face at your rallies will start vanishing one after the other if you dare them to a public confrontation.
Mr President. No one likes to be shouted down when they’re preaching the word of God at public rallies, not least a God chosen president himself. On behalf of all hustlers who helped God choose you in August 2022, we’d like to congratulate you unconditionally for lowering yourself to the level of nobodies and giving those heckling you a piece of your mind. We hope those who have been accusing you of not conducting public participation on your government programmes have seen how you have approached your critics with the humility of a lamb, just as the Bible orders leaders to do.
Mr President. We have chosen to send you this message of goodwill and encourage you to keep up with the same spirit of ignoring children of dynasty coming to your rallies to join other terrorist groups in disrupting world peace. We join others who have been encouraging you to cheer up in the face of domestic hostility because some things are beyond the comprehension of the naked eye, and it will only take those heckling you a matter of time before they join in taking us down the road of making Kenya become the Singapore of East Africa.
While there are some religious leaders who have been urging you to stop implementing some government programmes because they’re hurting the pockets of children of God, the hustler nation wishes to stand here and assure you that no one else speaks to God more times than you do, Mr President, and do not listen to agents of jealousy clothed in sanctimonious robes who’re only making noise because tithe money has increasingly dwindled after their congregation started encouraging them to adopt leaner ways of moving around.
Mr President. While the Constitution of Kenya guarantees everyone the right to freedom of speech, there is need for religious leaders to stick to their core mandate of reading the Bible and praying for those sitting their national exams.
Mr President. There needs to be put in place tough conditions for religious leaders operating in Kenya, to guard the country against ceding their prayer time to false prophets whom we were warned against in the Bible.
An religious leader harbouring ambitions of being the president’s political advisor should first resign from leading the flock and apply to be included in the list of State House intercessors who only mobilize themselves to address the media whenever the president is under siege.
Mr President. We have come at a critical point where those intending to speak truth to power must also be held to a higher moral standard, or else we shall form a commission of inquiry into Heaven Capture, to investigate those leaders who think they own God and can determine the moral trajectory of this country based on who calls them at ungodly hours to sneak in to collect their monthly stipend in the name of protecting your God chosen presidency.
