Boda boda riders sit idle on their motorcycles in Nairobi on May 26, 2021.
The hustler government wishes to sincerely thank all our supporters for sticking by us throughout the year 2023, when forces of darkness plotted to delegitimise our God-chosen government by wearing sufurias on their heads instead of affordable helmets confiscated from Boda Boda riders that are lying idle at our police stations all over the country.
Because of your rock-solid political support, we were able to navigate a tough year that saw poor hustlers sink deeper into depression after watching rich hustlers take photos with their taxes in expensive holiday destinations in the company of friends of the hustler nation wearing things that Pastor Dorcas would not approve of.
In 2023, we stepped back and watched the opposition wear sufurias on their heads and had fun on the streets while making the hustler government look bad in the eyes of our donors. To make matters worse, the crowds even had the audacity to stop at our offices making faces at our hardworking officers who were busy at work looking for new avenues to impose tax on hustlers.
Opposition
Consequently, we have heard the cry of our supporters that the opposition does not have the monopoly of having fun on the streets, and this coming year it is the turn of the opposition to have their time in the cold as we come out on the streets to show them where their taxes have been going. In 2024, the hustler government will do whatever it takes to recover lost political ground even if it means defaulting on the Eurobond to give that money to hustlers to praise us instead of God.
There are people who have been asking what happened to the hustler nation yellow army that used to comb every village in makeshift loudspeakers aboard painted donkeys spreading the good news about the bottom-up economic model and preparing hustlers for the second coming of freedom. While we are aware that some of the donkeys that we painted yellow for the crusade have since collapsed under the weight of the high cost of living, we know there is no tougher obstacle that taxpayers’ money cannot surmount, same way there’s no difficult bread in front of hot tea.
This coming year, we will stop at nothing to ensure that the yellow colour that was once associated with joy, hope and vibrancy; will now be synonymous with false promises, screaming cost of living, and never-ending government taxes.
From January 1, any expert intending to make the hustler government be a candidate for hell must be reminded that the government is the chief custodian of all personal secrets of every Kenyan dead or alive, and we can neither confirm nor deny that we’ve been flipping through some ex-files of those who’ve been hard on us the past year. If they continue to make us look bad, we will be forced to tell their in-laws whom they were with last summer when they lied that they were in a conference in Naivasha.
And to those who doubt the spirit of our commitment to deliver on the promises we made to the hustler nation in 2023, this year is going to be your answer. It brings us immense joy to announce that moving forward to the New Year, the hustler government will continue with its ambitious programme of reserving high-profile government jobs to all election losers who contested on the Kenya Kwanza ticket.
Hustlers who have been asking when their time will come to be considered for government appointments as was promised by us during campaigns, should be advised to read the Biblical story of the life of our founding Father Abraham in the Book of Genesis. The Bible says that God had great things planned for Abraham and He needed him to have a strong sense of character before trusting Abraham with the duty to leave the house of his father Terah and settle in the land of Canaan. To prove that Abraham was ready for the Lord’s work, God had to test his faith by commanding him to sacrifice his only son Isaac.
In 2024, the hustler government will embark on a pioneering plan to go around the country testing the faith of its supporters in many ways and expecting them to borrow the lessons from the story of Abraham’s obedience to God’s command. While we are aware that there is only one God and we cannot compete with him, instead of asking for hustlers to sacrifice their sons to prove their love for their government, we will be a little considerate with our faith-testing equipment. All we shall ask will be for hustlers to sacrifice their last remaining coins to give to the Kenya Revenue Authority (KRA) instead of buying food with it.
We believe there is no greater love for country than to share your last meal with the government just as Jesus did with his disciples.
The Bible says in the Book of Mathew 6:19-21; that “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”
In line with spreading the gospel of the Lord to all nations, the hustler government will, in 2024, launch an ambitious healing and miracles crusade with the main objective of encouraging hustlers to give up their riches and hand them over to the church for safekeeping, as they wait for the second coming of Jesus. Any hustler who is interested in going to heaven and is wondering where they can surrender their earthly possessions should contact the Office of the First Lady where the Directorate of Faith Diplomacy is domiciled.
In 2024, we must return Kenya back to the body of Christ where it originally belonged before sons and daughters of dynasty ruined it with state capture, ethnic appointments and backbreaking taxes.
Happy New Year!
