The hustler government wishes to inform all our supporters that we are in receipt of a confidential field report from an agitated section of avocado farmers in Muranga County, who almost lynched dedicated workers from the Kenya Revenue Authority (KRA) sent there to teach them how to support their God chosen government against those who have been going to church to pray for its total collapse.
Everyone can recall that when hustlers from all walks of life trooped to the Kasarani Stadium more than one-and-half years ago to help our hustler president and his truthful deputy bring down the Bible, many of our competitors jealous of our God chosen election victory did not believe when we told them that we were going to uplift those at the bottom of the pyramid to finally feel what it means to be a government shareholder with all it privileges, rights and patriotic responsibilities.
They called us names, accusing us of lying our way to the top and having no clue how to run a government on tight-budgets and overwhelming public expectations; and when we told them that the Lord was our shepherd we would not want anything else, they accused us of misusing the name of the Lord for selfish gain not knowing our God resides in State House and only goes out every Sunday to chill in those churches that are frequented by State House intercessors.
On behalf of the hustler government spokesperson, we would like to inform those Muranga avocado farmers – who were recorded boiling their blood at the suggestion that they should fully embrace the roles and responsibilities that come from being a government shareholder – that the government heard them loud and clearly and will soon come up with an enticing package for those government shareholders who may wish to be removed from the list of those who do not wish to pay taxes.
The raft of recommendations for this lot may include, but not limited to, removing their sons and daughters from prestigious government positions to pave way for them to join our competitors who do not believe in God and our friend Benny Hinn.
In the foregoing, we would like to extend our sincere message of gratitude to the Muranga avocado farmers for showing our God chosen government where they truly want to be belong in the new government formation that is currently being cooked where they shall not be invited if they continue to listen to their MPs inciting them not to pay taxes which we shall use to buy them rice and beef stew at Sagana State Lodge.
We also wish to send a strong warning to all Members of Parliament from the Mt Kenya region who voted for the Finance Act 2023, but who are now backtracking from blame; that we shall call another Kenya Kwanza parliamentary group meeting at State House so they could tell us those things to our faces if they’re really men enough as they claim to be.
In that PG meeting, we shall present the full list of all the Mount Kenya MPs who voted for the Finance Act 2023 and ask them if they still want to maintain their vote or wish to leave the government and go out there to start fighting us with their full chest. We cannot wait to record all MPs who shall claim they were ignorant of what they were voting for and send those clips to all the media houses so that our Mt Kenya hustlers can see who have been selling their birthright under the cover of darkness.
The hustler government wishes to remind all our government shareholders, especially those in the Mt Kenya Region that they should go back to the grassroots and sensitize all hustlers that they are still the anchor tenant in the UDA Party and are, therefore, supposed to support all initiatives aimed at bringing more money into the pot of gold that we found empty when we took over office from the children of dynasty.
Being anchor tenants in the hustler government not only comes with rights to the share of government but also with responsibility to how the shares are acquired. You cannot claim dividends at the end of the financial year when you have not invested in the shareholding company – this is a basic principle in business that all our shareholders in Mt Kenya should have known by now.
The MPs said that they would call the KRA Board chair Anthony Mwaura, who hails from Kandara, to inform him that Mt Kenya farmers had rejected the implementation of the new law so that he can also inform Treasury Cabinet Secretary Njuguna Ndungu who also hails from the same constituency.
While the hustler government can neither confirm nor deny that we deliberately sent the KRA officers to set the locals up against their two powerful sons mentioned above, we are asking the media making inquiries on the future of Mt Kenya in the hustler government to kindly speak to the government spokesperson about his personal views on the new bromance between our God chosen president and his former boss in the ODM Party.
When we went to the polls in 2022, we begged Mt Kenya hustlers to give us MPs who shall be loyal to the people and who would not succumb to political blackmail from any quarter, be it from State House or Karen suburbia. Less than two years later, it now looks like the bulk of the MPs Mt Kenya shareholders gave us to work with were not only clueless of their legislative role but also were not interested in oversighting those stepping on the necks of the suffering farmers in the Mt Kenya region.
And now the chicken have come to roost as the MPs have to contend with the wrath of angry voters unhappy at the new punitive taxes that were passed by the same people they had thought meant well. In 2027, the hustler government must rid Mt Kenya of the culture of political deceit once and for all.
