She gave birth, but he fell apart: The hidden toll of postpartum depression on men

The year 2021 brought an exciting milestone for Edward Munguti and his wife: the arrival of their second child. Their firstborn was a son, so welcoming a daughter felt like a double blessing, one they received with immense gratitude. Having been through parenthood before, Edward felt more prepared this time around and hoped the journey would be smoother. He eagerly looked forward to embracing life as a girl dad.

However, things took an unexpected turn when his wife began showing signs of postpartum depression. The revelation shocked him, and the toll quickly spread to his own mental well-being.

Also read: Signs of postpartum depression in men

Edward recalls that the changes didn't seem alarming at first. The shift from normalcy was gradual: subtle mood swings and a noticeable slowness in her daily activities. But over time, it morphed into something he never anticipated.

“It was a shock because it brought a real strain on the family and on our relationship,” Edward says. “The emotional strain became too much for me. We could no longer relate to each other with the kind of harmony we once had.”

Initially, Edward believed he could manage the situation on his own. But as the days wore on, he realised he needed help, especially for his wife’s sake. He made the difficult decision to open up to a close friend. Coming to terms with what was happening was painful. When Edward invited his friend over, it was the friend who first noticed the change in his wife and recommended that they see a psychiatrist.

“It wasn’t easy. There’s a lot of stigma that comes with depression,” Edward tells Nation. “We tend to spiritualise things, it felt like a demonic attack, and I would spend hours in prayer. A lack of real knowledge, honestly, is a big contributor to how we mishandle these cases. I would feel completely worn out.”

He remembers feeling utterly confused. This was unfamiliar territory, and he never imagined it would hit so close to home. Doubt began to creep in. He questioned whether he was doing enough, often blaming himself for not providing his wife with the best care. He feared that others would crucify him for failing in his duties as a husband. To escape the shame, he would lock himself away from people.

His mental state deteriorated to the point of suicidal thoughts. “I would drive from Nairobi to Murang’a at full speed, not caring what happened. I secretly hoped for an accident just to be away from this world,” he confesses. In his mind, death seemed like the only escape, but the thought of his children stopped him. Imagining their lives without their father made him abandon that dark idea.

Slowly, he began reaching out to others. His couple friends would come over just to talk and offer support. But when his wife was admitted to Mathari National Teaching and Referral Hospital, his situation at home worsened. He worried constantly about her, about his infant daughter missing out on her mother's care and about failing despite his own crushing depression.

“The emotional burden paralysed me even more,” he says.

After about 10 days, his wife was discharged, and a glimmer of change appeared. They started attending therapy together. The ordeal took a heavy toll on his professional life, forcing him to take a six-month leave of absence. Before the leave, even basic tasks like waking up felt like a struggle, but his employer was gracious enough to allow him to work only during his best hours.

Even his eldest son, though young, was affected by the turmoil at home. The child became irritable, cried frequently, and even had difficulty feeding.

Edward now urges other men to speak up if they experience depression after their partner gives birth.

“They should embrace fellowship because it can affect anyone,” he says. “We got help from couples who really talked to us, together, and sometimes separately. The therapists also helped us a great deal.”

Clinical psychologist Cleopa Njiru explains that this condition is known as paternal postpartum depression. He notes that men are often socialised to be strong and suppress their emotions, which makes it harder to recognise the signs. Many may not realise what they're going through until the family dynamic has already been significantly affected.

According to Cleopa, triggers include the drastic lifestyle changes that come with a new baby, some as seemingly minor as the mother devoting more attention to the child, or increased financial demands on the man. Erratic mood swings from the mother can also be difficult for some men to handle.

Early warning signs may include low mood, persistent sadness, irritability, and anger. Cleopa worries that a lack of awareness means many men don't understand why they feel this way. Left unaddressed, the condition can worsen, leading some to turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol or drug abuse, gambling, or even infidelity despite being married.

Also read: What causes depression? What we know, don’t know and suspect

“What we see in many people is unhealthy emotional coping, loss of concentration, and interference with work performance,” he shares.

Cleopa advises men not to interpret seeking help as weakness, and encourages them to pursue therapy. He adds that while such cases exist, there is minimal local data, especially in Kenya, to show their full extent. Most available research is international, which he attributes to men's poor health-seeking behaviour, even when they clearly need support.

“Men need close friends they can talk to about personal issues, not the kind who invalidate their feelings or just tell them, 'Be strong, you're a man,'” he says. “They need friends who are empathetic and can reason with them, rather than dismissive ones. They also need psychology experts to look beyond just postpartum depression and examine their whole situation.”

[email protected]