Men who marry "inferior" or purely "obedient" partners end up exhausted; true sustainability comes from marrying a friend capable of challenging and standing in for them.
Hi Zulu,
I am 41, a father of three, and I hold several leadership positions in my community and church. Lately, I have been feeling heavy inside. I could not name it at first, but I now realise I am probably overwhelmed. The problem is, I have no safe place to talk about it. I cannot open up to my wife because she believes I am supposed to be strong all the time. I also struggle to trust her with sensitive matters because in the past, when plans failed, she used those conversations against me.
Sometimes I wish I had a more supportive partner. I have thought about walking away from the marriage, but we have children. I do not want to be seen as weak. But no one seems to take care of me.
What should I do?
This is a silent pressure men carry, and it is breaking families. I have witnessed breakups that could have been avoided.
Our culture expects men to prove their masculinity by providing, leading, absorbing stress, staying calm and never complaining.
But women? When she vents and cries and even blames the man for everything, she's just being a woman. The man should understand and take it all in.
I once worked with a couple where the husband eventually walked out, not because of infidelity or financial crisis, but because he felt he could not talk to his wife. Even in therapy, sessions would spiral into emotional chaos. She would complain, cry, deflect and make counter-accusations.
One issue would trigger five others. She was unable to admit wrongdoing or apologise. She played the helpless victim all along.
I am not suggesting that all women are like this or that they're always the problem. I am saying that even when a marriage is evidently toxic, the man is still expected to stay and hold it down.
To how no emotions. To understand her and ignore her theatrics. To stay in the marriage.”I have met many couples like these.
They're successful in the corporate world or in business. They have built financial assets and raised children. But communication is all but impossible. Everything was tilted against the man.
Responsible men who want to do things right tend to get the worst out of marriages because they don't know how to practise self-care and set healthy boundaries. That is why many are collapsing silently.
Unprocessed pressure leaks out in angry outbursts, withdrawal from family and job, addictions, and emotional disconnection from life. It is time we changed the narrative and let our men understand that avoidance is not strength and that self-love is not selfish.
A man needs standards for his relationships and limits for what he will and will not allow in his life.
There may not be people asking him regularly, “How do you feel?” But he must ask himself this question. A lot of men have never done personal therapy, and they have no coach or counsellor.
Yet he is supposed to carry the family through all seasons, providing and charting the way without anywhere to process the stresses that come with that role. Here are strategies every man can use to maintain his mental health while he delivers on his tasks. First, marry a friend.
Not just a lover. Not just a pretty woman or a silent one. Do not marry someone inferior to you or one who obeys without questioning.
This will leave you alone at the top, and you'll be exhausted over time. Instead, marry someone who has the capacity to understand what you're doing enough to discuss it with you.
Someone who is free to challenge you gently and suggest better approaches to your work.
Someone who can stand in for you to rest for a few hours, whether it's running a family business or managing the children.
When your woman is capable of helping you all around, you won't get exhausted. You'll still be the leader, but you'll have a capable helper by your side.
Secondly, take your self-care seriously. Schedule your rest and rejuvenation as seriously as you schedule your job appointments.
Many men collapse because of exhaustion and emotional overwhelm. Annual holidays are very important.
A weekly dinner out with your wife is essential. One day a week where you refresh by spending time with family and resting is necessary.
There will always be one more duty waiting for you and another deal you could chase. But as the saying goes, if you don't choose a day to rest, your body will choose one for you. And it will not be the most convenient.
Thirdly, learn to say no to entitlement and to people who habitually seek assistance without growing.
Good-hearted men are often depleted by relatives and friends who turn them into their crutches.
Givers must have limits because takers don't have any. You're the one paying the price of production and making money. Those who come for help don't feel the pinch.
If you don't learn to set limits and control access with every new level of growth, you'll be overstretched.
Lastly, master your emotional life. Understand your emotional patterns: What stresses you the most?
What fulfils you the most? What activities give you energy, and which ones drain your energy? What can you do to lift your mood?
When you understand your emotional terrain, your needs and your triggers, you can plan every week to be more peaceful and energising. Many people don't plan with their energy and mental health in consideration.
As for you, organise your weeks in ways that preserve your peace and keep your productivity at its peak. This way, you'll have a productive and fulfilling life as a man.
Good luck!
