Marriage is a project of self-actualisation that stems from self-improvement and honest
Hi Zulu
I am 40, with a stable job and ready to get married this year. I started being intentional about this two years ago, but none of my relationships have lasted beyond three months. Potential partners ghost me after a few dates. What am I doing wrong?
Dear reader,
It's probably related to personal blind spots. These are repulsive weaknesses that affect many senior spinsters in midlife. After living alone for so long, you develop certain lifestyles and habits. Many of these habits can hinder connection and even be outright repulsive.
For example, an attractive personality is the best makeup. It draws people to you more than your brilliance or accolades. Let me share some common blind spots that could cause potential suitors to back away after getting to know you.
First, talking too much.
You dominate conversations. You've achieved a lot in your career. You've built businesses and scaled up companies or departments. You have many exciting stories to tell. You're also the support system for your extended family, and you could tell a hundred stories about this or that nephew or cousin you've helped.
The problem is that you don't know how to calm down and listen. You have something to interject at every point, and you have a related story for everything.
Men who spend time with you can't wait to leave. You say, "We had such a wonderful connection with that guy. We talked for hours nonstop." But he leaves saying, "I just escaped a trap with a woman who wouldn't stop talking."
Second, you have a silent disdain for male authority.
You want a husband, but you hate the traditional role of a wife. You constantly argue against submission and service to a man. You say things like "I don't need you," I choose you," but men only hear, "You're disposable to me." Even when you're unprovoked, you question a man's relevance in your life.
You treat your relationships like transactions with balance sheets. You hint at the benefits a man will bring to your life. "I have my house, my car, and a decent job. The man had better step up or step out." Most of them step out because nobody wants to marry a challenge.
Third, you're emotionally avoidant and operate with masculine energy. You say you'll become more feminine when you meet the right man. Have you asked yourself why he would be attracted to you when you're operating in masculine energy?
When you go on dates with men, you take the lead. You pick the tables. You pull your own chair. You place the orders. You initiate conversations. You run your dates like boardroom meetings. Men feel suffocated and emasculated. You never hear from them again. Your response is always, "Men nowadays are intimidated by empowered women like me." You never look at yourself in the mirror.
Fourth, you neglect your emotional history and make the same mistakes over and over again. Why do you scream when you're upset? Why do you throw things or go on a drinking spree when you're stressed? Is that cheaper than therapy? You earn money, yet you can't invest in your psychological well-being. Escapism and avoidance will only keep you in a frustrating cycle.
In short, marriage is a project of self-actualisation that stems from self-improvement and honesty. Your goal of getting married this year is valid, but it will require introspection. You should quickly get a life coach for personalised coaching, which should entail healing from any traumatic past experiences. Prepare yourself and quickly step onto the dating scene. Good luck!
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