Dear Pastor Kitoto: I’m dating a married man. Should I bear him a child?
Is he trying to blackmail me into raising a child by myself?
What you need to know:
- I got pregnant once and it really stressed me out. When I told him about it he said he wanted a baby but only with his wife who was struggling to conceive after bearing three children.
- I ended up terminating the pregnancy as I couldn’t support the baby financially.
I have been dating a married man for over a year now. For me, the relationship is casual, just to ease my loneliness and boredom but to him, he thinks I am in love with him. Mark you, I have mentioned several times that I have no intention of marrying him.
I got pregnant once and it really stressed me out. When I told him about it he said he wanted a baby but only with his wife who was struggling to conceive after bearing three children. I ended up terminating the pregnancy as I couldn’t support the baby financially.
Two months later, this man started pleading with me to bear him a child. I declined without hesitation. His request baffled me and I can’t help but think there are some ulterior motives. Did he feel guilty about the abortion I underwent? Is he trying to blackmail me into raising a child by myself? Is he sincere? Please advise.
Hi,
I am sorry to say that your relationship looks flawed and messed up from the start. First, dating an already married partner who gets you pregnant and abandons you is in itself complicated and painful. In addition, the motives behind you dating him were shallow.
Dating a man you are not ready to commit to and yet expecting commitment when you get pregnant is somewhat blackmail. As such, getting pregnant with his child and aborting does not make sense if you desire ownership and commitment.
Of course I realise your excuse for finances. But I believe he walked away from you because he did not really believe in the longevity of this relationship. This just proves how manipulative relationships can be.
On your part, if you did not know that this relationship was flawed and built on such a shaky foundation, I am wondering if you should be worried about him feeling guilty. He blatantly denied his baby.
The abortion was the option because the convictions both of you had were misplaced and selfish. I am wondering if it is not you who should be feeling guilty. I think you will be living in ignorance if you deny the fact that selfishness drives the actions of both of you. Right now there is nothing here that can work for both of you. He will hurt you and leave you wounded a second time.
Secondly, his coercion to have a baby with him even after refusing to take ownership of the first pregnancy is both selfish and hypocritical and lacks sound argument. So, one wonders if he really wants this relationship and a child for the right reason. Sadly, such a path seems to be filled with dishonesty and manipulation.
Remember, relationships are built on trust and responsible behaviour. Spouses must not only measure their words but also their motives and actions. I personally feel that those babies whose lives are terminated are innocent beings who do not deserve such treatment.
Let me take a moment and look at reasons why some partners find pregnancy out of wedlock a desirable option. In a study I came across recently, 57 percent of millennials aged 26 and 31 were having children out of wedlock because of the diminishing number of marriageable men.
Traditionally, most partners in uncommitted relationships are more likely to walk out of the relationship to raise the child by themselves. Out of conviction, many in society and mostly among most religions, still hold the view that a child out of wedlock or is aborted is morally wrong. That said, with time, having a child out of wedlock used to be called illegitimacy, however, now a growing number of the young see it as the new normal. Why?
First, in a desire to avoid the responsibilities or what some call the inconvenience of marriage, many, particularly ladies, opt to raise babies on their own without a husband to push them around. Second, out of desperation, some partners may feel the pressure of old age coming on them before they find someone to marry.
An increasing number of older young professionals have been known to have preferred a child out of wedlock. Most who find themselves in this category are genuinely convinced that their decision was right. In your cause, you need to examine your driving motive. You have the opportunity and time to make things right.
While being careful not to impose my convictions, I believe it is unfair to break someone else’s marriage or choose to get pregnant out of such a union. Equally, although your fears are justified, it is not for me to tell whether he wants to make you conceive and then leave you with a child to raise on your own.
You have to weigh your convictions and decisions with care in light of his current commitments and engagements. Whether he wants a child for real is not mine to judge. But, I pray that the fears you have may guide you to the right convictions and decisions. It is never too late to correct the basis on which your assumptions are founded.
Judging from his actions in the past during the first pregnancy, this man’s genuineness in wanting a child from you is both questionable and manipulative.
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