I have been very lonely after converting to Christianity

Hi, 
I am 23 years old, still in university, hoping to graduate in 2021. I was a Muslim and I have been so lonely since I converted to Christianity. My parents and colleagues always ask me why I am not in a relationship yet, I find it hard to speak the truth.

I am attracted to only single mothers or women who are already in relationships. I was dating someone recently, but after two months, she confessed of having a baby, with another man, who she termed, ‘a friend’. Such occurrences constantly instil fear in me.

Please advise.

Hi,

Relationships, whether spiritual or physical, with people you are associated with, can be complicated but at the same time rewarding.

What you need to understand is that: First, relationships were meant to enable us to create bonds that will edify us.

For example, when one changes denominations or even their religion, they will feel a level of loneliness until they build new relationships. Since we are social beings, both spiritual and social relationships matter as the environment has also changed.

Be determined to prioritise such relationships for socialising, growing and accountability purposes.

Second, being attracted, to someone and building a relationship with them are two different things. There is a need to realise that, great relationships happen naturally, where people are authentic in the way they relate and associate with each other.

The environment we relate in must be the kind that supports healthy relationships. When we feel accepted and that our uniqueness is celebrated, this makes us feel more comfortable. In a certain environment, people negatively take advantage of their desire to just associate for personal gain.

You have to ensure that the people whom you connect with, promote a listening culture. Listening helps to boost a person’s self-esteem. We feel affirmed if others think that our contributions matter.

However, dishonesty promotes flattery that can make you think that you are supported and valued; when in actual sense you are not.

While we listen and understand what others communicate to us, it is most important to determine for ourselves what makes practical sense. Don’t date a certain person just because others say so. Ensure they are the kind that supports your family and culture.

Since relationships require time, seek to give people time. Total reliance on technology and always being pre-occupied, has in a way eroded our ability to build authentic associations where real rapport is embraced.

Spending time with people will help you discover their likes and dislikes. Worry less about whether you will find the right person to marry and invest more in church, home, and work relationships. This will help build your communication and socialising skills.

Avoid assuming that other people fully understand what they feel or are afraid of. Giving time and communicating well will promote the right values and morals that build trust.

Remember, trust is more important than feeling loved. Love without an equal show of loyalty, respect and trust is futile. Trust helps promote empathy and understanding, without it, connecting authentically with people will be hindered.

By building positive relationships with others, we can learn something new; and with time we will be happier, more fulfilled, more supported, and connected.

Third, be ready to judge good character from the bad. Developing the right culture around you and your friends will bring the accountability that you need. Dishonesty will only hurt and create fear.

You have to project the characteristics you would like to see in others. Currently, you confess that your desires were wasted on those who were never meant for you. It appears you need time to be a good judge of character. Don’t allow your desires to control you.

Also, seek to deal with the enemies that hinder you from starting and building a healthy relationship. Build the right skills in developing healthy relationships, as I have taken time to elaborate above. Wrong motivation will lead to wrong results. Do not be motivated by temporal benefits that don’t support long term relating. 

Fourth, priorities are essential in living a fulfilled life. At 23, your career and building healthy relationship skills is what is essential for you. My advice is that you focus on completing your course work before allowing marriage and relationships to mess your future. 

She is dating other men

Hi Pastor Kitoto,

I appreciate your good work and the relationship advice you often share with us on your pages. I am 20, and I fell in love with a woman six months ago but she has refused to abandon the man I found her with. She even attended the man's birthday party.

Whenever I ask her to leave the man, she tells me she has no proper reason to give the man for a breakup. Despite being with the man, she tells me that she has developed feelings for me and if she does a comparison, between the two of us, she says she loves me more than the man. I too, love her so much.

Kindly advise me on what to do. 

Hi,
Healthy relationships are built on a choice that embraces the values of unconditional love, mutual trust, accountability and long term commitment.

A great and growing relationship is where either partner does things that they wouldn’t complain if the other does it to them. The essence is, being able to do unto others, what you would want them to do unto you. This is what is causing you pain. She is not sincere with you.

Therefore, you need to have dealt with your inner disappointments and frustrations while being clear about your expectations, before you made any major moves.

You are in a state where you could hurt yourself more or others around you, because of such unresolved acts that cause you displeasure. Being sober is key to the journey of love.

Love must be about responsibility and commitment. What I see is a desire for personal gain from your partner without due consideration about your feelings. It is therefore important for you to find the true definition of love.

While this may start with the feelings you have for each other, great relationships must develop from a choice to work towards mutual love, endurance, being responsible for choices we make, and being considerate to other people’s feelings.

What this lady is doing is taking advantage of you. Could she be bribing you with certain favours that make it impossible for you to take a stand? You have to take responsibility for your life and future. 

Leaving her and starting afresh could be a good decision to make. However, the big concern here is your lack of a clear stand that needs to be respected. If you do not terminate this relationship, it will clutter your life and possibly confuse you.

The hold she has on you, could make her show up later in life and mess up your prospects. Manipulative relationships have a way of preying on our vulnerabilities. Do not let her gain an advantage that could emotionally and physically hurt you.

The relationship you are in now could easily be classified as a manipulative one. This lady discovered how to use your vulnerabilities to take advantage of you. They are the people who may be great as friends but not necessarily great for marriage. What needs to happen is:

First, for you to process what you now know, in light of what you desire for your future. Secondly, determine what you desire to see in a woman for a future wife. Determine if those attributes are resident in your current relationship. Your clarity on these issues will guide your future choices. 

The foundation of building a dependable future will be established on core values such as trust, faithfulness, and right choices. If this relationship has to work for you, forgiveness is a choice you will have to make.

Be willing to extend unconditional love in areas where she has wounded you. If this has to work, your ability to forgive must be followed by a discussion on the needed reformation or responsible character change. She has to be willing to leave this other guy because she sees in you the kind of man she wants.

Currently, her attention is divided. I do not see any promises to change that have been accompanied by appropriate behaviour. 

If you have to grow in your current relationship, both of you must value accountability. I would suggest that you evaluate her actions and yours that could send a false sense of hope. You must weigh between what is and what could be. What would you rather have?

Finally, qualities that will sustain a relationship for the long haul are the results of a carefully crafted environment that depicts these values.

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