My best friend’s wife is physically abusive. How do we help him?

Hi,

I am really worried by the direction that my best friend’s marriage is taking. My friend married two years ago and they have a child who is less than a year old. Before they got married, there were many red flags that I noticed, including the wife’s bad temper that led her to a point of throwing a glass at him, and many others.

When my friend told me he wanted to settle down in marriage with her, I asked him whether he was sure because of the many physical fights they had had, and he told me he had made up his mind. Actually, he told me that he would walk out of the marriage if it failed.

Fast-forward to today: it's barely a year and my friend is fed up. How can I help him? 

Hi,

Thanks for writing to us about your friend’s issue. It is sad that your friend’s marriage is failing. However, your friend went into this marriage with an understanding of two key issues. First, this relationship had issues that required attention. He chose not to wait and deal with them even after you had advised him to do so.

When it comes to relationships, the two partners must agree on the way forward. I am of the opinion that these two agreed on the best way forward. I am also of the opinion that, he listened to fully to the concerns you raised before he made the choice.

Second, your friend entered this marriage with an option in mind. In this way, he was not willing to put his pride on the line and pay the price of fixing what was going wrong in the relationship.

Instead, he affirmed that walking away was an option if things did not work out. My understanding of relationships is that, if things have to work, the partners must be willing to lay certain ambitions down for the sake of their relationship.

Your friend had already decided that he would run away if things didn’t work. Nothing is easy when it comes to relationships. However, we reap what we planted.

Looking back at this relationship, you have to be aware of certain things. First, the two must be willing to discuss what is ailing the relationship. It may be difficult for you to resolve issues in a relationship where those involved are already quitters.

Second, the key issues ailing the relationship must be identified. Identifying the issues must be followed by a commitment to get to the root cause of the problems. This may require looking into their lives before marriage and how they related with each other at the time. Depending on where they are at, and whether they see you as a fair arbiter, is key.

The way forward is to choose a middle ground where you can speak to both parties without appearing to be partisan. Also, they must be willing to talk and possibly allow someone to help guide their interaction.

So, first, talk to your friend and see if he needs help. Second, sit with both of them and identify together the issues they consider pertinent to their case. Third, seek help if the issues appear overwhelming to you.

Too many broken men 

Hi,

I have read today’s article on Nation with a lot of concern. I feel this is the right information that many people out here need, to overcome deep-seated challenges arising from marital issues, and even the extended family.

There are many people out here, especially men, who are broken and are trying to salvage what they can. The society is too hard on men; they are not expected to exhibit any sign of weakness at any point, and as heads of homes, a lot more is expected from them.

Undergoing rejection and or being party in a loveless relationships or marriage is indeed painful. Mustering the courage to eventually seek help is a tall order. The perception of others towards us is what kills many. People are afraid that they may be judged by others. Another question that begs for answers is where this professional help can be sort. 

Hi,

You have summarised the male issue well. What most people fail to realise is that, men are not angels. They, too, have fears, anxieties and face intimidation both from culture and at work. All this affects how men take on their roles.

Recently, I read somewhere that today, men are facing a new challenge. This has to do with how to gracefully transition from a society that is gender polarised, to one where women and men, girls and boys share and exchange roles in extraordinary ways. Many men are battling issues of how to be men in a culture that is aggressive, competitive and stigmatised.

It is important to understand that, the way men were treated by their parents, and in particular, their fathers is key to how they face their world. Upbringing and society seems to define the man on his “ability to show emotion,” and how they can handle “their vulnerability.”

For example, do men cry, or show remorse? How do men handle failure? Some men have faced a difficult upbringing that has made them to be in touch more with the “feminine side,” rather than being prepared to be leaders of their homes.

Husbands must be men who offer bold leadership for self and family, while at the same time remaining loving, approachable and empathetic.

How men face failure when they fail to meet goals they set for themselves, or those set by others is crucial. It said that, men were made to conquer. It is fallacy when we think that, just because men are unable to overtly express their feelings, then they do not have feelings. Men do feel and feel deeply about life. In fact, how they process these feelings is what has led most of them to commit suicide.

As you rightfully asked, “How do others judge us?” in addition, “Where can one get professional help?” the truth is that we cannot change how people choose to think about others. That is a choice only they can make.

However, as men, we have a choice to determine how we will turn out. Even though we have faced many shaping forces, we should never let them define who we finally become. When we were growing up, our parents may have neglected or abused us. This may have had a negative impact on our outlook on life.

But, we can make wise choices that will make us different as we allow our faith, new environments and associations to shape us. Although men get scared by their own vulnerability and get the constant feeling of rejection, they are their best saviours from such challenges. Correct exposure or joining a good accountability group would be a great step in the right direction.

She refers to me as her husband and I don’t like it

Hi,

I am dating a lady who is 20 years. We are now a cohabiting couple. She texted me on WhatsApp and I called her back. I trusted her motives for a relationship with me through a mutual friend who gave her my number. I need your opinions because the lady is referring to me as “My husband" and has let it be known to her friends and family that I am, indeed, her husband. I feel irritated because it feels premature, as we have stayed only for a week now. I feel that I am imprisoned by her sentiments and future uncertainties.

Hi

As I read your email, two issues which I would like to address stand out. First, how long did you get to know each other before cohabiting?

This is important because relationships require time and effort to ensure the partners in the relationship take time to know each other so that they can make wise choices about their future together. It is also important because the two of you will be able to identify what makes you think that you are meant for each other. You still have time to make things right in this area.

Second, it is important to note that at the age of twenty, this lady is pretty young and may not understand fully what is expected of a relationship like yours. It could also be that you took yourself into a trap.

Maturity of the partners in a relationship counts for the stability of the relationship. What one would ask is: why did she choose to move in and live with you? What was her understanding of the proposal you made to her?

Generally, the intentions that one has as they do something are key. If her decision was formed out of an unclear communication from your part, she could have ended up making her own conclusions about the relationship.

As I mentioned in an earlier article, mature relationships show that the longer a couple dates, the deeper the connection. The level of communication and disclosure will help give birth to a culture of trust and faithfulness.

Additionally, the longer the dating period, the clearer and stronger the merger areas that connect the two people together. One would expect to see increased areas of agreement that will help the marriage or relationship get established.

Merger areas in a relationship include shared values, dreams, and expectations. Dating couples who desire to develop an effective way of communication must first eliminate suspicions, fears, and lack of trust. Instead they must seek to establish an environment of free and honest disclosure that does not keep secrets form one another.

Marriage is about two people with a clear agenda on what brings them together and what they want from their relationship. This is what will, in part, form the vision or mental picture of where the relationship is headed. The two of you need to sit together and evaluate whether the things that hold you together are core and strong enough to sustain a relationship.

Second, it may be wise to stay apart until you are sure that you want the same thing she wants. Right now, she is calling you her husband. It appears like this is not what you bargained for. The best way is to stay away from each other and start afresh. You must seek to do it right this time round.

Evidence shows that the two of you are not only in an immature relationship but also in a relationship that lacks clarity and is overly edgy. Currently, your lady feels that she is in marriage while you see things differently. The two of you are not on the same page.

Make time to learn and determine what you want. Go through the whole process of who you are and what kind of a woman would be best for you. Your readiness to date must not be confused with marriage.

I am of the opinion that, considering yourself married within a week of living together is not only premature but also risky. Try and involve reflection and intentionality so that you may be able to determine the best route that you should take.

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