My boyfriend wants to have premarital sex but I don’t

I'm 26 and hope to be married by 28. I'm a Christian and I don't believe in sex before marriage. I am in a relationship with a guy who is also born again but he does not share my belief about waiting for the wedding night. He suggested that we should strengthen our bond by spending more time together. 

He asked me to visit him at his house and even spend the night. We argued about it. Of late, we seem to spend a lot of time arguing. I'm afraid to say that I don't trust him anymore. He also told me that I did not trust him. Please help me. 

Hi,

Thanks for writing in and expressing your feelings towards the relationship you have with your boyfriend. Growing a strong relationship bond between the two of you is key to walking down the road in marriage together and building a great family.

However, certain things are key to walking this road together. I do understand your dilemma. First, values are key in developing a strong bond between spouses. You have mentioned some of your beliefs and convictions as a believer when it comes to dating and marriage. You believe that a wedding and thereafter the consummation of your love when married are important for you. However, your man does not seem to see it that way. As a result, you have ended up with conflicts and disagreements.

The fact that he feels that you do not trust him just because you have refused to compromise on your values should not worry you. I believe the two of you differ in his interpretation of what it means to build a strong bond. 

For him, this involves being sexually intimate. I think that this is not the case particularly for dating spouses. Couple synergy and bonding are bigger than the fulfilment of sexual desires. 

Building common agreement in areas such as communication, raising of children, relationships with in-laws, faith, money issues, and the values a couple will embrace will help build a strong relationship.

I would suggest that, as believers, the two of you make it your aim to harmonise the importance of faith and ensure that your convictions about what the Bible says about sexual intimacy are Biblically based.

Second, it is important to identify the areas you need to build common agreement so that you can grow a strong and healthy relationship that shows respect for each other’s feelings and convictions on issues that matter the most to you.

Connection and bond

Third, take time and evaluate your areas of difference and check whether these differences are core enough to warrant the resetting of boundaries in the relationship. Finally, you may need to take time to explain to him plainly your concerns and what needs to be corrected in the relationship if both of you are going to move forward in unity.

You need to know the commonly advanced lies about relationships among young courting or dating spouses. Do remember that lies are one strategy people use to control and manipulate others so that they can have an advantage over them.

First is the myth or lie that sex will prove your love for each other. The problem with this lie is that there are many marriages in which the couple may have sex but still feel unloved and uncared for. In addition, what happens where due to sickness or any other medical reason, a couple is unable to have sex, does this mean that they did love each other and need to abandon each other? 

Barton Goldsmith, PhD and author of the book 100 Ways to Boost Your Self-Confidence says, “Men don't always bond with women who have sex with them early or on-demand." He adds that the connection and bond between two dating couples grow deeper the longer one keeps their feet on the floor.

Second is the myth that coming to my house to cook, clean and have a sleepover will help prove your commitment and whether we can get along. I believe that a lady will only be betraying themselves in the long run if they fall into the acceptance to be manipulated accepting any form of abuse in the name of love. Never allow anyone to play poker with your life in the name of proving your love. Many have gotten pregnant and ended up being abandoned out of such manipulation. Wanting your partner to spend all their time with you is not loving but pure manipulation and controlling in the way you relate to them.

Another myth is the belief that you love me if you give me what I want. Relationships are about a give and take attitude treated in balance. Respect for each other’s feelings and convictions must be at the centre of how we relate and treat each other. 

I think that your boyfriend’s approach to relationships is flawed. You will need to move with wisdom and care in determining what is best for you. Don’t lose your individuality at the expense of satisfying someone’s ego, lust and wrong view of what makes relationships work. 

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]