Dear Kitoto, I want to thank you for the courage and effort you put in safeguarding the Kenyan family.
Keep up the good work. While I am not a relationship counsellor by any means, I have tried to offer advice to a friend’s wife in vain. This is how it started:
A long-time friend of mine from the village referred his wife to me when she was selling insurance policies.
Although I had known his wife for four years as I was a member of their wedding committee, I had not interacted much with her and I suppose she only had a vague idea of who she was to meet.
The first meeting went well. We discussed insurance, but I did not buy a policy because I already had a similar one. Afterwards, she chose to extend her stay in my office until a friend who had accompanied her insisted that they leave.
After a few days, she called to request another visit. I informed her that I would be working an afternoon shift and that I was still in my hotel room. She said she would come over. That was the greatest mistake I made.
She pampered me with sweet nothings of how her husband had talked nicely about me and that she found me handsome. I excused myself to use the bathroom and when I came back, she was undressed and lying in bed. Somehow, I managed to convince her to dress up. She then claimed that she was sexually starved in her marriage.
Despite all the advice I give her, she continues to pressure me to have sex with her. Sometimes she even drops by my hotel room unannounced, demanding sex. I
t is starting to annoy me, and I am getting confused as to whether to inform her husband and/or my wife.
I would not like to give in to her demands because I was once in a similar situation when my wife began flirting with a colleague in the office.
Luckily, I got to know about it before it went too far. She apologised and we moved on.
Hi,
He says: “The trouble is with me, for I am all too human, a slave to sin.” Is this not so true? What I believe you need to do is to agree with this fact, “You are human.” Weak as we are, we tend to succumb to the desire of the flesh.
Your friend’s wife has shown you clearly that she is not ready to value the relationship you have with her husband, leave alone the fact that you are married.
St Paul continues to argue that, “I don’t really understand myself, for I want to do what is right, but I don’t do it. Instead, I do what I hate.”
Like Paul, your biggest enemy is not your friend’s wife. It is you. Although you recognise that you will not only hurt your friend, it is clear in your mind the consequences of your action towards your marriage. But you have to overcome your personal hunger for the adventure before your eyes.
If you know that what you are doing is wrong and you fail to practise self-control, then you are allowing the sin living in you to rule over you. Just ask yourself, “What will my friend think and feel if he knew that his wife was undressing before my eyes?”
As a man, you have to come to one realisation: “Nothing good lives in us, that is — in my sinful nature.”
This is why in our desire to do what is right, we find that we cannot. In our desire to do what is good, we do not. We do not want to do what is wrong, but we do it anyway.
The truth is: This is where we find ourselves as we battle temptations of every kind that come against us.
However, we are called to live a higher life of discipline, not one that is controlled by evil desire. As a result, I cannot steal just because it makes me feel good. I should come to the recognition that, although I desire to steal, it has consequences that I will need to face.
In your fight against this temptation, you have to acknowledge that there is another power within that is at war in your mind, pulling you to debate with sin. This power makes you a slave to the sin that is still living within.
Do what is right and save not only yourself, but your marriage and the marriage of a friend who trusted you.
My problem stems from my mother, a single parent who, during my formative years, was always verbally abusive towards me.
I have an older and a younger brother, but I do not know why she always picked on me.
I remember she used to come to my primary school every month to check on my progress, and she made sure to tell my class teacher to monitor me closely.
The class teacher would beat me up every time he had a lesson or make me kneel in front of class if I did not answer any of his questions.
This made me fear teachers even as I joined secondary school. I never asked questions in class and I came to hate and fear teachers. This reflected in my poor academic records.
Years later, the insults grew, especially because both my brothers had gone to university. You can imagine what I went through. I do not ever want to re-live it.
My mother would call me all sorts of names in vernacular — “good for nothing”, “crazy person”, “no brains”, and many more. All that time, I was hustling, trying to make money so that I could move out and get a place of my own. Luckily, I got a very good job some five years ago.
I think all this has affected how I relate to women, especially the mother of my children. We are not legally married and she knows where I come from. She has been very supportive and loving, but I find it hard to commit to her.
I want to be a loving father to my children, create space for them, give them all the freedom they want, everything. I will never take them through what I went through.
My mother has been trying to make amends for a while and at one time she apologised in a very general manner. I did not say a word to acknowledge what she said, I just could not.
She later offered me a house as she has a block of flats but I am yet to take up the offer. On my part, I usually send her Sh5,000 every month for upkeep but we rarely talk.
My fiancée has been urging me to make amends, but I just cannot, not after what I went through.
I do not know if any of my brothers know any of this. If they do, then they have chosen to keep quiet. Tell me: Are my actions justified? I just want to live my life. Please Help.
I really feel where you are coming from. However, as it is said, two wrongs do not make a right. Yes, you were humiliated, abused, and ridiculed and all these conditioned you in the way you feel and react towards your mother and women.
Let me tell you what being unforgiving does. It shuts you into your own little world to carry the weight of the wrongs other people did. It denies you the opportunity to live in freedom. It uses the past to imprison you.
I am glad that your mother has turned around and wants things to be different. Whether it is for the right reasons or selfish ones, this should not be your concern. Worry about the future you could have that is being messed up by memories. Remember, they are all memories of a bad past.
Your fiancée is a great woman who does not want to see you hurt. Allow her to stand by you as you take this journey.
Remember that lack of forgiveness has the power to ruin our physical health through ulcers and blood pressure, as well as our emotional life by messing up our relationships and self-esteem. Choose to live differently.
You know better. Once you have forgiven, choose to live life without revenge.
I am glad you are already stepping out and helping. But trust will come slowly and soon your mother will experience the same healing because you made the choice to let go of the issues.
In the meantime, we will send you an email on any further help you may require.
