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My husband abandoned me when I was pregnant
The most incredible honour a woman can give a man is to carry his child.
Hi Zulu,
I'm not sure where to begin, but I feel depressed. My husband was physically abusive during my pregnancy, and I discovered he was having an affair with his colleague, yet I kept going. He wasn't there for my delivery, but he sent some money. Now, my son is three months old, and since the emotional abuse continues, I feel that I should leave. Please help.
Dear reader,
The way a man treats you when you're pregnant with his child should inform the way you'll see him forever. The path of pregnancy is already perilous. You risk your life and accept great inconveniences to carry that baby to term.
At the very least, you need an empathetic man. He should be kind and supportive, even if he cannot feel what you feel or even understand all the pains and emotional upheavals you're going through. That is the bare minimum.
But if the man turns into an animal and treats you with cruelty or abandonment, you must flee from him for good. If you survive the ordeal to begin with.
Being a woman in this world is a risk by itself. Why? Because you don't have as much physical strength as men and, in addition, your body is hunted for pleasure.
Read the story of Dinah, the only daughter of Jacob, in the bible. She innocently took a walk, and a man saw her and made unilateral decisions to mess up her life. And that was it.
The most incredible honour a woman can give a man is to carry his child. And if a man doesn't appreciate you giving him a child in his name and his frame, he's unworthy of that honour. Like Abigail of old, you're dealing with a Nabal or a son of Belial.
If a man ignores your struggles when you're having morning sickness, hyper acidity and constant spitting, for example, when you're puking everything you eat, when you have acne and skin break out, when your body is too sensitive for clothes and you're struggling to find anything to put on - why do you need such a person ever again?
If the doctor warns you against stress but the man becomes the source of stress instead of safeguarding you, if physical movements are becoming harder but he can't help you take a walk, support you up the stairs, lift you off the sofa, or get inside the car, what's the point?
The fact that he wasn't even remorseful tells you that you need to love yourself better.
The decision on whether to leave or stay is squarely yours to make. Rebuilding trust with a person who wasn't remorseful is almost impossible.
The best gift you can give yourself now is peace of mind and rest. I highly recommend therapy to begin your healing journey. Your son requires one sober parent, and that parent is you.
Lack of remorse and willingness to change is, by itself, communicating loudly. A home filled with pain, resentment and hate is harmful to you and your child. If you feel unsafe, prioritise leaving and starting your life afresh.
In all likelihood, there will be a retaliatory war. There will be a smear campaign by your husband to make you look crazy. Brace for it. These types of people don't let go easily. Do not accept reconciliation meetings or sessions with well-meaning but misinformed relatives.
Just be firm and get away first. Focus on the logistics of how to survive in the next phase of your life. And if you find yourself tempted to turn back, remember that this person never cared whether you die or live. And they won't care even if you return.
