A child can leave home armed with good grades, a university admission letter and everything they need for campus life, yet still struggle with simple things like cooking a simple meal, washing their clothes or managing their monthly allowance.
For many parents, this is the frustrating reality of watching their children transition into adulthood. After years of doing things for them, parents suddenly have to step back and watch their young adults struggle with everyday responsibilities.
Dr Juliet Kimemia is a mother of three. Her first born daughter has already graduated with a bachelors degree while her other two children are in their fourth and third years at universities.
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Dr Juliet Kimemia knows this all too well. The mother of three has watched all her children go through university. Her daughter joined campus while she and her husband were pursuing their PhDs, meaning mother, father and daughter were students at the same time, juggling their studies alongside a Sh2.2 million university bill.
But despite being physically close to her children throughout much of their university journey, Ms Kimemia says she has discovered another challenge – teaching young adults the basic life skills they need to live independently.
“I live with my children, but I am worried that they might be too comfortable. We are friends as a family because we are in the same spaces, but I know their laziness can be annoying,” she says.
While mother, father and daughter kept busy schedules in school, the family relied on a househelp to do the house chores. All three were students at Jomo Kenyatta University of Agriculture and Technology, which Ms Kimemia says was a deliberate decision.
“I could see my children almost daily, and that enabled me to notice something interesting: Their poor life skills,” says Ms Kimemia, who previously vied for Kiambu County’s senatorial and later gubernatorial seats.
Asked how she is managing this “laziness,” she points to a strict daily routine.
“After their Form Four, I put conditions that everybody must clean their rooms and wash their clothes, but now my children have refused to get tired. They plan with my househelp to wash their clothes for them, then they pay her using pocket money that their father gives them. The other day, one of my sons came to confess that the househelp has become too expensive. Now he wants to get another cheaper one,” she tells Parenting as she laughs.
She has had countless conversations with her sons about the importance of developing basic life skills, from keeping their rooms clean and organised to taking responsibility for their own belongings. But her two sons, who are currently in their third and final years of university, seem to have little interest in changing their ways.
“I wish my sons would embrace these life skills because that would be the ideal situation, but getting them to comply is not easy. They say people who are too neat should go for a mental wellness check-up because, according to them, being too tidy is not normal. They say, it is okay not to be okay,” she says, mimicking her two sons.
The script is not any different for Ann Gacheri, a mother of two whose firstborn daughter is a third-year university student. Before she joined the University of Nairobi, Ann had taught her daughter skills that she believed could help her survive on her own.
“I rented a house for her outside the university. It was a mutual agreement because hostels are very expensive. Previously, I would leave her to take care of her younger brother. By the time she was in Form One, she knew how to turn the gas cooker on and off and do most house chores since she was a day scholar. I took her to boarding school for her last two years of high school so that she could concentrate on her studies.”
Ann lives in Meru County while her daughter is in Nairobi, so the best she could do was ensure that she had all the supplies she needed to keep her going in school. However, her daughter was always complaining.
“Whenever she came from class, she would tell me that she had cooked but could not wash the utensils she had used because they were too few. Cooking was her biggest challenge, and sometimes she skipped meals.”
Ann was concerned, but she could do nothing more than talk to her daughter.
“I tell her to cook healthy food every day because she cannot fully concentrate in class if she is hungry.”
When her daughter returned home for the first semester break, Ann noticed a strange behaviour.
“She came all the way from Nairobi to Meru with a pair of very dirty shoes that she carried in her bag while wearing clean ones. When I asked her about it, she said that she was in a hurry and did not have time to clean them.”
Teaching children life skills from an early age can help prepare them for independence
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Things have not gotten any better. On different occasions, Ann’s daughter has told her that she finds buying street food more convenient than cooking.
“I pity my daughter because I believe that cooking should not be a difficult thing for a girl her age. At some point I even asked myself whether I needed to hire someone to be cooking and cleaning utensils for her but I decided against it because she is a grown-up now.”
As part of her efforts to teach her daughter these skills that are not taught in any university, Ann has been making trips to her daughter’s rented house in Nairobi, hoping to show her how to manage everyday tasks. But each visit has revealed just how much of a struggle it remains.
“She could not even cook for me; I had to be the one cooking. On days when she did not have classes, she would wake up at 10am, by which time I had already prepared breakfast for her. She would eat, but she would completely forget about lunch. I would ask her, ‘Aren’t we eating today?’ and she would tell me to wait a little longer as she scrolled on her phone. By then, it was past 2pm. I would ask her whether we were still having lunch or should now call it supper, and she would just smile. I wonder whether she does not feel hungry or what exactly goes through her mind.”
Last month, Ann’s daughter secured a two-year scholarship to complete her studies at a university in China, leaving her both happy and worried for her daughter.
Nelly Otieno is a mother of five. Her four children have already graduated with their bachelors degrees.
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Nelly Otieno, a mother of five, seems to have found a solution to this challenge.
“When the children were young, I had a full-time job and a house help, but when they reached their teenage, I did away with the help and began training my children to do house chores,” Nelly tells Parenting.
“They took turns helping around the house because when you have many children, they tend to compete. At times we would punish them, but we also gifted them when they completed their roles for the day,” says Nelly, adding that she and her husband are also teaching their children money lessons.
These efforts, she says, could not have borne fruit without the family’s spiritual routine that includes bible study.
“One of our children went to Strathmore University, while the other three schooled at Jomo Kenyatta University of Agriculture and Technology, which is near our home. They would come home daily and that gave me an opportunity to give them a good spiritual foundation.”
Her four children have since graduated and moved out, but her parenting skills have not changed now that she is living with the lastborn, who is in Form Three.
“He knows that when he comes from school, there are chores he has to do apart from homework. He has to clean his room and wash his clothes on weekends just like his older siblings did. I have learned that if you are not careful with these Gen Zs, then they can control you,” Nelly says.
Child and adolescent counselling psychologist Mercy Mwasi.
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According to Mercy Mwasi, a counselling psychologist, the struggles some university students face, like calling home after running out of pocket money just weeks into the semester, asking how to remove stains from their clothes, piling dirty laundry under the bed until they have nothing left to wear, or living in rooms so untidy that they cannot find their notes before an exam, are often rooted in what she describes as parental love rather than neglect.
“Many of us modern parents grew up with little, and we want our children to have it easier. So, we wash, cook, clean, fetch and fix things on their behalf. In many homes, a house help handles the chores, and the child’s only job is to study. Over time, the child learns one lesson very well: " Someone else will always sort it out,” Mercy tells Parenting.
She also points to the country’s education system, which places a strong emphasis on examination results, as another factor. Parents understandably push their children to focus on grades, while chores are often viewed as a distraction from their studies.
“A young person may score an A in KCSE and still not know how to boil an egg, iron a shirt or budget a monthly allowance. Boarding schools teach a borrowed discipline. The bell tells students when to wake up, eat, study and sleep. Meals appear on time. Rules are enforced by prefects and teachers. When that structure suddenly disappears at university, many students do not know how to create their own,” she observes.
Psychologically, confidence comes from doing, not from being told.
“When a child successfully makes their bed, cooks a simple meal or sorts out a small problem on their own, something important happens inside. They begin to believe they can handle things. Psychologists call this self-efficacy, which simply means a person’s belief in their own ability to cope. Young people with this belief tend to try harder, bounce back faster from setbacks and feel less anxious in new situations.”
The opposite, she warns, is also true. “A child who has always been rescued may grow into a young adult who panics at small challenges, avoids responsibilities or feels helpless when things go wrong.
Some of the anxiety, homesickness and low mood we see in first-year students may be linked to this sudden feeling of, ‘I don’t know how to do any of this.’”
She says teaching children life skills from an early age can help prepare them for independence. Between the ages of four and seven, for instance, children can be taught to put away their toys, make their beds even if they do not do it perfectly, put dirty clothes in the laundry basket, help set the dining table, water plants and dress themselves.
Between eight and 12, she recommends allowing children to wash their own socks and underwear, sweep and mop, wash dishes, pack their school bags, prepare simple foods such as tea, eggs or ugali under supervision, and manage small amounts of pocket money.
Those aged 13 to 15 can take on more responsibility, including washing and ironing their own clothes, cleaning the bathroom, cooking a simple full meal, going to the market or shop with a list, saving towards something they want and managing their homework schedule.
“From the age of 16 and above, children should be planning and cooking meals for the family, budgeting a weekly or monthly allowance, using public transport alone, booking a clinic appointment, handling mobile money transactions responsibly, sewing on a button, doing basic repairs, and speaking up for themselves. If your 17-year-old cannot do things on the younger lists, do not panic. Start where they are,” she advises.
Shirts will crease, rice may burn
Knowing what to teach children, she says, is only half the job. Parents must also give them the opportunity to practise those skills.
“First let the child watch you. Next, do the task side by side. Then let them try while you stand nearby. Finally, leave them to do it alone. This simple ‘I do, we do, you do’ method works for laundry, cooking and almost everything else. The bed will be lumpy, shirts will have a crease, rice may burn, but if you redo the task after them, they learn that their effort does not count. Praise the effort and gently suggest an improvement next time,” she adds.
She encourages parents to remember that the goal is not to raise children who need them forever, but adults who can stand on their own feet and come home because they love their parents, not because they cannot cope without them.
“Letting go is hard. Watching a child struggle with a task we could finish in two minutes takes patience. But every small responsibility we hand over today is a gift to the young adult they will become tomorrow. A university degree will open doors for our children, but life skills will help them walk through those doors with confidence.”
