Premium
Feeling trapped in your abusive relationship?
Don’t imagine you can change your ex. Nothing you can do will make any difference.
Many relationships start well and then descend into unhappiness or abuse. So why don’t you just leave?
It is complicated. Perhaps your partner puts you down or destroys your self-confidence? Or they’re possessive or suspicious? But when you push back they’re suddenly sweet. So you imagine that’s the real person, and try harder hoping they’ll be like that all the time.
Some partners cut you off from family and friends. It’s always sugar coated, ‘Stay in tonight, let’s spend more time together.’ But it’s only your friends and family, who can give you a sense of what’s ‘normal.’ So you come to believe you’re to blame for the problems, and start to feel inadequate and worthless.
You’ve become trapped.
You’ve probably tried to leave and found it too hard. So you keep trying to make things work. But things go bad whatever you do. Your whole life revolves around your partner’s needs and moods.
Maybe you also feel dependent. Or guilty about leaving. Or fear social stigma. But much more often it’s because leaving isn’t a single event, it’s a process. And if you don’t start the process, then you’ll never leave. Just like people rarely resign a job on impulse. More likely they’ve been planning to go for some time.
So, if your relationship is violent, don’t pretend it isn’t. Prepare a small emergency bag containing your ID, keys, cash and a few essentials. Hide it somewhere accessible, and have a plan for where you could go at short notice. And trust your instincts. If you suddenly feel things might be going pear-shaped, then get out. Pretend you’re going to the bathroom, but instead pick up your bag and slip out.
And secretly start the process of leaving. Quietly start organising your finances, networking, find a better job, look for somewhere to live, make new friends, save up some cash, see a lawyer, start removing your valuables one at a time…
It helps to become boring towards your partner. Talk less, share fewer feelings, stop arguing, defending and explaining. You will probably have to take the blame, but use neutral terms like ‘confused,’ ‘depressed’ or ‘under stress.’
After the break, respond to messages politely but unemotionally. If your ex phones, keep it short and businesslike. Don’t be tempted to soften the blow with words like ‘maybe’ or ‘someday.’ That will just increase the pressure. Instead, stay focused on your simple message. It’s over.
Never give any details of your new life. Never agree to a meeting to ‘talk things through.’ You’ll just be guilt tripped with ‘how much I’ve done for you.’ Or told that you’ve ‘not given me a chance to fix the relationship’. There may be talk about counselling, but it’s pointless. In fact they probably won’t turn up, or take responsibility for their behaviour. It’s always someone else’s fault.
And don’t imagine you can change your ex. Nothing you can do will make any difference. So don’t blame yourself. Just go.
