Help, my in-laws overwork me during festive season

Hi Zulu,
The festive season is here, and I dread what awaits me at my in-laws' home. Last Christmas, I made half a bale of chapatis and many other chores while my husband sat with his brothers chatting, not batting an eyebrow at how I was being overworked. When he goes there, he becomes a different man. What should I do?

I will give you six rules for dealing with in-laws around this season of festivities.

Number one: Remember you married one person, not a clan. 

You're supposed to submit to one man, not a mob. This is why you felt exhausted. Stop taking orders from everyone. 

If you're trying to cook for your husband, do it sustainably without having to cook for 50 other people. If the family eats communally during that season, let them do it. Let them prepare the meals in a way that they deem fit. But you shouldn't break your back cooking for everyone just because your husband is a part of that crowd. 

Rule number two: Always get married at once to avoid having to prove yourself to so many people.

If you're only living with your man and there's no formal marriage yet, it's easy for in-laws to expect you to prove yourself. They will hold your confirmation as a wife as a ransom to work you like a donkey. 

This is why you should also choose a form of marriage that's not communal but instead based on the two of you. If you marry under a traditional system, for example, the whole family will have to be involved, and the process usually runs over several years. Contrast this with church or civil marriages where everything is done in a day, and there's closure. 

If you must prove yourself to your parents-in-law or some influential siblings of your husband, you may be forced to break your back to win their approval.

Rule number three: Holidays should be for resting, not hustling

You should plan your holiday around resting and unwinding. You should agree on the reason for the season before leaving the city. If the purpose is for you as a family to refresh and rejuvenate, then all activities should be organised around that.

If you agree to stay at the in-laws for a few days, it should be relaxing rather than unsettling. If need be, you can stop over and greet the people but then proceed to another location where you can rest. Some people find it helpful to have a house to put up with their family during such visits, and others will rent holiday homes. Either way, you need a private space for your family. It gives you the much-needed space to relax and breathe.

Rule number four: Never try to befriend all your in-laws. You may be family now and a part of that system, but it doesn't mean you'll be friends with everyone. Your best antidote to people-pleasing is to be authentic and let those who resonate with you gravitate. 

You need to be confident in who you are so you're not rattled by who likes you and who doesn't. People may compare you with other women married in that family. But it would be best if you stayed calm and assured that you're the right spouse for your partner, and that's why he chose you. 

You can't be liked by everyone, just like you also don't like everyone. 

Rule number five: Let your husband mingle with his kinfolk as much as he wants while you maintain the proper distance

You don't have to be as close to them as he is. Those people are his blood, while you're not. 

If he needs more time with them, you can leave him behind for a day or two as you proceed to your next destination or go back to chill in the city. 

It's perfectly okay to rest in your house if that's what you can manage. Resting doesn't always mean holiday homes. Sometimes, all you need is a peaceful environment and slow days without duties and deadlines. 

The sixth rule concerns the amount of respect and protection you deserve from your husband while around his people

If he shows his people that you can be mistreated or overworked while he says nothing, they will get the cue and abuse you the more.

You cannot confront your in-laws or get into exchanges with them directly. You don't have that authority because you remain somewhat of an outsider even when married there. It would help if you avoided any altercations, even with younger siblings to your husband, because they have more confidence for being in their home ground, something you don't have. 

You should always let your husband handle his people and establish boundaries to protect you. He's better positioned to put limits and push back when they try to ask for too much from you. 

What if he's not keen on putting these boundaries and protecting you?

First of all, how did you end up married to a person who doesn't care about you like that? You should ask yourself where else he'll leave you alone if he can't watch over you around his people. 

Secondly, you can decline to go home with him or visit briefly and leave. Sometimes, you have to protect yourself and refuse to participate in things that offend you.