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Is intimacy dying? Here’s how you rekindle the fire
Many couples are very happy together and yet never have sex.
You and your spouse haven’t had sex for years, and never cuddle or kiss. You’ve decided that your spouse doesn’t want intimacy, and so you don’t raise the subject.
Is that normal?
That’s not an easy question to answer, because marriages vary a lot. Including many couples who are very happy together and yet never have sex.
So, perhaps a better question is ‘Do you want to be intimate with your partner?’ Because if you do, then something needs to be done about that. But if you don’t, then you don’t have a problem.
That said, it’s not normal that you and your spouse don’t talk about sex, because every married couple should be able to talk about literally everything. And you need to be sure that your partner is actually OK with the way things are. You should also be happy hugging, kissing and cuddling, because if you’re not, then you’ll gradually lose the connection between you.
But it can be really difficult to discuss intimacy, especially if you haven’t had it for a while. So perhaps you should first try improving the physical side of your life together before you start talking about it. And the best way to do that is to try some new physical activities together. It’s just like how new couples go dancing, play sports and walk together as they get to know one another. But when was the last time you two did something like that?
Best of all try doing something you’ve never done before, so it’s just a little scary. Because doing something physical that you enjoy doing together will increase your connection, communication and happiness. Add a little novelty and fear to that, and you’ll soon start feeling passionate about one another again. Just as you did when you were first together.
But sooner or later you should talk. And don’t beat around the bush. Say out loud that you want to talk about intimacy. Choose a moment when you’re both in a good mood, and neither of you is hungry, tired, tipsy, or about to go off somewhere. Say to your spouse that you want to talk about sex and that you still find them very attractive. Say you haven’t said anything before because you weren’t sure how to bring up the subject in a way that didn’t feel awkward. And that even now you feel really weird talking about it.
Ask your spouse if they’d like a little time to think things over before you start to talk together, and if they say yes, fix a time in a day or two. But don’t either of you flake on that arrangement!
There are risks associated with this conversation, because there may be marriage ending reasons why your intimacy has fallen away. And you two may have completely lost the skill of talking through tough subjects. But really, you have nothing to lose. And the upsides are so huge that you need to take the risk.
