You have children, but maybe you’ve never lived together. Or you’re separated or divorced. Or one of you is working or studying away from home. Your children have a distant parent. How do you do that well?
If you’re working or studying away from home, consciously commit to being in your children’s lives as much as you can. And maintaining their links with your extended family.
Be the one who initiates contact. Use their preferred platform, exchange lots of photos, create a regular schedule and follow it. If you say you’re going to call, call.
If you’re the one who’s ‘at home,’ recognise that your children have a deep need to spend time with their distant parent. Make sure they’re available for scheduled calls, give them space to talk, and ensure there are no distractions, like loud music.
Even if your co-parent was only briefly part of your life, or shows little interest in their children, your children will want to spend time with them, so don’t resent this or try to prevent contact. Instead, ‘train’ your missing partner to behave better by making it a rewarding experience for them. Ignore their shortcomings, let your bitterness go, and encourage them to become good co-parents.
Things are usually more fractious if there’s been a separation or divorce. But don’t feel tempted to try to cut your co-parent out of your children’s lives. Your ex doesn’t have to be your enemy, so commit to being the best co-parent you can.
Try to focus on their best qualities rather than their worst, and remember that you’re in this together. Don’t demonise them or try to prevent access. Don’t let your children feel they must pick sides, or involve them in disputes, or make them feel guilty for having fun with your ex. Let your children know that you want them to spend time with their other parent. And involve extended family members from both sides in their lives.
Children need to do ordinary things with their parents, not just fun things, so resist being a ‘cool’ parent when your children are with you, or you’ll start a cycle of one-upmanship that will never end.
Kids suffer when their parents argue in front of them, so don’t. Don’t wreck your ex’s time with them by endlessly calling. Especially at dinner time, or past their bedtime. Think how you’d feel if that was happening to you.
Trying to put yourself in your kids’ distant parent’s shoes will help enormously. And make sure you and your ex update each other about all the changes in your lives - like new partners. It’s important that your children are never the way you get to hear things.
And for all its problems, co-parenting does have one advantage. Time to yourself! Take advantage of the days when your kids are with your ex to socialise, or simply sleep late. Stay positive, and one day you’ll realise what a remarkable job you’ve done.
