One way or another, most of us pair up, though often without truly understanding what we’re getting into.
Until recently, marriages were only really for the wealthy, and they were always arranged, so even today, our families and community get involved in all sorts of confusing ways. Your wedding is at one and the same time the most public and private thing you ever do.
In the past, marriages rarely lasted very long, simply because life was harder and shorter. And if your spouse passed away, you had to find another, because making a living was too difficult on your own. So most people are married several times. Marriages have only recently been expected to be long-lasting, so don’t feel like a failure if yours ended in divorce. A long marriage is worth working for, of course. There just weren’t many in the past.
Divorce rates are also higher now, not because we’re behaving badly but because couples don’t have as many children and big families are more stable. Couples are also less dependent on each other than they were.
And no matter how carefully you try to select a spouse, it’s distressingly easy to end up with what’s familiar, rather than what you need. Your father was angry? You’ll probably choose someone bad tempered. Your mum was needy? You’ll most likely select someone who’s insecure. Your family were all workaholics? Chances are you’ll marry someone unavailable. Inattentive parents? You’ll get taken for granted in your marriage.
That doesn’t mean unhappiness is inevitable, though, because marriage is a skill that can be learned. Some people are simply terrible at it, most of us are average, and mastery is only achieved by a few. Most people don’t even realise there are skills involved!
Marriage also changes you. We all marry someone who’s different from us, and those differences rub off on you. And the person you marry won’t be the same person 10 years later. Hopefully, you’ll find satisfying mutual goals and grow closer, but if you follow different paths, you’ll probably drift apart.
You’ll also only be happy together if you’re willing to talk about your worries, fears and anxieties, because that’s what deepens your relationship and resolves conflicts.
It’s the trivial stuff that will cause most of the fights, such as who empties the trash. Your sex life will really slow down. You’ll never really love your in-laws like you love your own family. Things which you first found cute in your spouse will eventually infuriate you. And no matter how happy you are, there’ll always be at least a few times when you’ll think you’d have been better off if you’d stayed single.
Because marriage is the biggest gamble you’ll ever take. A few turn out really badly, but for the winners, marriage is worth every minute. It’s bigger than both of you, and better than anything else in your entire life.
