You should both be aware of what’s going on and review the numbers together.
Since couples marry later these days, they often start out together with their own individual bank accounts and credit cards and a degree of financial experience. Independent-minded couples like this often split their finances down the middle, one paying the rent, the other paying school fees, for example.
That sounds fine, but it also makes it easy to develop some bad financial habits. These often start out small, like a few extra purchases which you somehow ‘forgot’ to tell your partner about. But such habits can grow and become very damaging.
There’s a name for this: ‘financial infidelity.’ Money matters you keep secret because you know your partner will disapprove. We’re all guilty of mild financial deceptions like these, from neglecting to mention all those daily lattes to rounding down the prices of your computer gizmos or expensive skin creams.
But such infidelities can quickly become serious. Like the secret loans you suddenly can’t pay back because you’ve lost your job. Or credit card debts, hidden bank accounts, overdrafts and gambling losses.
And because money’s surprisingly easy to conceal, the warning signs can be hard to spot. First indications include things like an account password being changed without your knowledge, a statement for an account you know nothing about, or your partner getting angry or defensive when you bring up money matters.
And so the conflict starts. Money arguments tend to become intense and repetitive, and are a leading cause of divorce after extramarital affairs.
Avoid all this by making a commitment to transparency from the beginning. Fully disclose all your finances, including debts, credit scores, bank balances and spending habits. Listen to each other’s stories without judgment, and try to understand what’s driving your own choices as well as your partner’s.
Have regular meetings about finances, even if one of you generally ‘does the books.’ You should both be aware of what’s going on and review the numbers together. Don’t be the couple where one of you knows absolutely nothing about your money. And have rules about discretionary spending, whether it’s discussing any purchase over a certain amount, or agreeing on a monthly sum that each of you can spend any way they like.
What do you do if financial infidelity has already occurred? Start by agreeing that while you know that trust has been damaged, you’re going to stay together and tackle the issue as a couple.
Moving past a financial betrayal means accepting responsibility, feeling remorse, and working on reconciliation. Time isn’t a healer in financial matters. The problems in the relationship must be fixed, or they’ll continue to be an issue, no matter how much time has passed.
Honesty and openness are crucial, and with that, you’ll be successful. Though your previous financially naive relationship is over, that leaves a space for a new beginning. And while good financial management sounds unromantic, dull and boring, it will make you a better, stronger and much happier couple than before.
