Moving on after a breakup can be a lot more difficult than you imagine, leaving you feeling confused and upset for far longer than you expect. Such feelings tend to catch you at vulnerable moments, and can be deeply disorienting. And depending on what the relationship meant to you, and how it ended, sometimes moving on can be especially challenging.
Getting over your first love is a good example because of how intense and significant it feels. And because it’s an important step in the process of growing up and separating from your parents. It helps to realise that, and to avoid obsessing over what might have been.
It’s also more difficult to move on if you’re confused about why your relationship ended. Maybe you got dumped unexpectedly, and can’t understand why it happened. You’ll probably never know exactly what was going on inside your partner’s mind, and that can be particularly hard to deal with, leaving you struggling to come to terms with it for years.
Couple breaking up.
Photo credit: Fotosearch
It takes longer to move on if you feel there was real chemistry in the relationship. But strong chemistry isn’t enough. Couples also need to be compatible, and that involves their values, emotional maturity, communication skills and where they are in their lives. And, unfortunately, you can feel strong chemistry with someone who’s emotionally unavailable, unreliable or even harmful! You keep feeling that you should have made it work, but it’s better to accept that the fundamentals were never really there.
You’ll recover more slowly if you are generally anxious about relationships. So be patient with yourself and accept that you are who you are, and that there are things you find more difficult than other people.
If your relationship was abusive, you’ll probably have felt immense relief when it ended. But you can still find yourself with many unresolved feelings years later. Because abuse always leaves scars, and leaving an abusive partner is a difficult process, it can even be dangerous, often involving challenging financial issues and even harassment.
Or maybe your ex wasn’t physically abusive, but they were cruel. You may not have realised how bad their behaviour was at the time, but it can continue to affect you for years.
The general expectation is that it takes about six months for you to heal from a break-up. PHOTO |FOTOSEARCH
You’ll probably find yourself ruminating on the unkind things they said to you during the relationship or the breakup, and this can make it much harder to move on. Relationships that involve put-downs, gaslighting or neglect often leave residues in your subconscious that will take a long time to deal with.
Solid family support will really help with all these situations, and a good counsellor can help you unpack your emotions and to form better relationships in the future.
So ask for all the help you need, and don’t be hard on yourself if you’re finding it hard to move on. There’s no right way to recover from a failed relationship, and you will need to heal in your own time.
