The people who say that our God has a sense of humour have never really experienced life. One minute you are happy and excited, positive, talking big and planning for early retirement, and the next moment you are running away from everyone, hiding from people, yourself included.
Last week started on a great note. My QVSE message was spreading well, boosted by Apostle Elkana’s powerful prayers that had convinced even the doubting Thomases. Within a few days, I had convinced two new members, one of them being Maina, the hardware owner, and a man who I owe a lot of money. Life was good. Yes, we could not access our money, but we had hope, hope that our accounts would soon be opened, that when that happened we would soon be millionaires. People believed me, and everywhere I went, people trusted me.
On Tuesday evening, my sister Caro, Mwisho wa Lami’s immediate former Minister for Misinformation, Miscommunication and Broadcasting Lies, arrived. She too had heard the news about the big investment I was driving. She wanted me to help her reopen her account, which was the easier part because I had done it for many people. The sad part was that she wanted me to pay for hers. She could not believe that a man who was saying he was a millionaire could not spare her just Sh65,000.
“I know of people you have paid for the money to open accounts, but you cannot do the same for your own blood sister!”
“It is not that I can’t,” I said, “I just happen not to have the money. I have nothing, yes, my balance is good, but I cannot access the money for now.”
“If you are sure the money will be accessible soon, why don’t you take a loan and give me so that when the money is accessible, I will pay back, as the money will have tripled,” I told her I couldn’t.
“I am not surprised; you have always been Mkono Birika, wewe ni roho chafu sana, with that roho chafu even God is not happy, he won’t open more ways!”
I told her to leave my house. It would later turn out that she was on her annual pilgrimage. By annual pilgrimage, I mean she was visiting us after she had differed with her husband, Maskwembe, and she had packed her bags and headed back to her people. Instead of coming to us kama ametulia, she was causing us problems. When I learnt this, I texted her and told her that it was actually her who had roho chafu, otherwise her husband would not be chasing her away every year without fail. Sometimes twice.
“Unaringa kwa sababu ya hiyo Pyramid Scheme, wacha tuone ikianguka kesho utaambia watu nini,” she replied.
I told her it would never happen. By morning the next day, Caro’s words came haunting me. I woke up to find multiple missed calls from many people. There was one common denominator among all the people who had called me: they were people I had convinced to invest in QVSE.
There was Apostle Elkana, Sella, Lena, Nzomo, Maina, Anita, Kizito, Juma- name them. As you may know, given my soon-to-change status, I have been practising sleeping with the phone in another room, as rich people do. I did not want to be distracted in my sleep, only poor people have their phones in bed.
Two women in court for allegedly inducing Kenyans to invest in QVSE
“Dre, umeingia QVSE? Ni kubaya, hebu angalia,” s he said in a panicky mood. QVSE was the last thing I had checked before going to sleep. My balance had been Sh4.63 million. I had even taken a screenshot of the balance. I logged in successfully. At first, the balance was Sh4.8 million, and I wondered why Sella was calling me in panic. But then the figure changed to an error message: “Cannot fetch balance.”
Then I was logged out. When I logged in again, my balance was zero. I stared at the screen, trembling, but even as I trembled, people continued calling me. I called Kizito, who had introduced me to QVSE. He was devastated.
“This is bad,” he said, “I hear there is another attack by hackers who have walked away with all the money. But the QVSE engineers are working round the clock to recover the money from the Russians hackers,” he said and added, “But you know Russians, they are not jokers.”
I called back Apostle Elkana, the Revered Spiritual Superintendent of the Holiest of All Ghosts Tabernacle Assembly, Mwisho wa Lami Conclave.
He shouted at me: “You assured me that our money is safe and growing, even convinced me to add more and convince more people, what is this now, I am seeing zero?” He was too angry; if he were near me, he would have punched me. I don’t know where I got the energy to calm him down. “Man of God, this is not the time to panic; heaven is not in crisis, and God knows exactly what is happening. Let us calm down so that we can calm the people. Please pray.” I don’t think Apostle Elkana expected that from me.
“Close your eyes,” he said. I closed them.
And he prayed for a long time, remembering the tribulations Moses underwent, the challenges Job faced and asking God to help us navigate the situation, so that he and I could lead the QVSE flock like Moses led the people of Israel.
“You tell us in Romans 8:28 that ‘in all things God works for the good of those who love him,’ we will keep loving you, God…”
I did not leave the house. There were more frantic calls an hour later. I called back Sella, she was the only one I could talk to.
I tried logging in, first it said that my password was wrong, then the error message changed to account does not exist. Just like that.
“The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord,” he said as soon as I picked. “These are not my words but straight from Job 1:21.”
He went on. “Let us rejoice and praise God, the same God who gave us QVSE is the same God who has taken it away. You never know, He may restore it tomorrow.”
Then he reminded me of another verse. “In Joel 2:25, God says, ‘I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten.’ Trust me, God will restore our QVSE.”
And that has been my message to everyone who has called me crying. It has helped me navigate a difficult week. I tore up the resignation letter I had written, and I have started taking back authority from Saphire, who had already started being absent.
As Paul says in Philippians 4:12–13, “I have learned the secret of being content in every situation, whether well fed or hungry; I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”
As for me, even if the crops fail and there are no cattle in the stalls, I will rejoice in the Lord. Praise be to God!
