In the fullness of time, the marriage between Fiolina — the lucky laugh of my envious life — and yours truly will require a novel to be told fully. Ours is a union of many ups and downs, swinging violently between very good times and extremely bad ones. There are seasons when Fiolina loves me unconditionally, and others when I am clearly the most useless man on earth.
And guess what? I am despised when she has money… but loved, adored, and respected when she has none and needs it from me.
If you remember December, when schools were closed, Fiolina came home — but we hardly felt her presence. She spent most of her time at Apostle Elkana’s THOAG. Despite my taking care of her the whole of last year, paying rent, sending upkeep money, and checking on her regularly, Fiolina never remembered me once she got her bonuses. If anything, she asked for more. Then we disagreed — and as women do, I was given silent treatment. A few days later, she left for the village.
My crime? I had opposed her attempt to take a loan to give to Apostle Elkana, who had convinced her and other congregants that the world was coming to an end on December 31, 2025. When I informed her people, they forcefully returned her to my house.
Even then, her life revolved around fasting, praying, singing, and speaking in tongues — most of which I could not interpret. As you also remember, Apostle Elkana was arrested and detained, although he was never taken to court because authorities didn’t know exactly what to charge him with.
Congregants were shocked to learn that while in custody, he was eating — despite him banning them from eating, asking them to wait a few days to go to heaven where milk and honey would be plentiful.
I gave Fiolina the Oreo wrapped in lantana camara flowers. She looked at them and put them aside ki-madharau!
Photo credit: John Nyaga | Nation Media Group
The moment Fiolina heard Elkana was eating, she too resumed eating. She had gone for over a week with very little food and looked emaciated. Her return to food was progress, though I still wished she could speak to me like a loving wife. On New Year’s Eve, Fiolina showered, packed, and dressed well. Two days earlier, she, together with other THOAG adherents, had visited Apostle Elkana in police cells and it would seem as though the man of God had briefed them on how to prepare for heaven. That evening, two other women joined her — all well dressed, carrying large bags. I wanted to ask questions, but I was not emotionally prepared for the answers.
For many years, I have crossed into the New Year at Hitler’s. This time, I wanted to be different. I planned to start the year at home. By 11pm, however, my house was no longer habitable. The women were praying so loudly that even heaven must have complained about noise pollution. I escaped to Hitler’s.
As I was leaving, Fiolina came to say goodbye, informing me that she doubted we would meet again — she would be in heaven, while I would be in jail. She hugged me goodbye, then continued praying, singing, and speaking in strange tongues. I returned home at 2am. They were now singing slow worship songs — clearly disappointed that the world had not ended, but thankful that although it hadn’t ended, they had at least been ready. The others left early morning with their bags.
Fiolina remained behind — quiet, singing softly, and slightly ashamed. She resumed speaking to me on Friday, January 2, and I needed no calculator to know she was preparing to ask for money. On Sunday, January 4, with schools opening the next day, I organised transport back to school and gave her shopping money. We didn’t speak for a few days. Then the other week, I received an SMS:
As if we had been talking all along. Because she is my wife, I responded. We resumed conversations. When she later told me she missed me, I knew she was broke. She wanted to come over during the AFCON weekend but had no fare. I sent it — and she came. Unlike December, when she wore Elkana-approved outfits, this time she dressed like a proper woman — seductive short dresses that I shall not describe further. When I told her Apostle Elkana had been released due to lack of evidence, she was furious.
Fiolina was so happy, with a wide smile that reminded me of the old good days when life was good.
Photo credit: Nyagah | Nation Media Group
“That man finished us,” she said. “I don’t even have money for salon, leave alone food. All the money I had went there.”
“Don’t worry,” I encouraged her. “Salary is coming soon.”
“I will have nothing, deductions will eat everything,” she said, regretting to have taken a loan on Apostle Elkana’s behest.
“I don’t want to talk about that chapter of my life,” she said when I asked for details. Then she hugged me tightly, and honestly, how could I ask more questions after that?
Twice, Apostle Elkana visited us, wanting to talk to her, to pray for her, but she refused to even see him, which for me is a sign that she has changed for the better. Instead, I promised to stand with her and support her. Which I have done — even paying Nyayo to take her to school every morning. Though ready to sponsor her commute, she refused.
There have been other advantages of her being around. Not only have we enjoyed great breakfast and dinner, but there have also been other great meals. While I won’t go into details, all I can say is that although we have been going to bed early, we have been sleeping very late — every day.
