Here comes the cold. Unfortunately, we humans cannot hibernate like some animals do. However, even though we can’t burrow somewhere warm and wait for the cold to pass, we have a weapon against it: the ability to know what to do when the temperatures go south.
As one doctor advised me once, feeling cold has no medicine other than dressing warmly. How I wish we had such a simple way out when we get cold days in our relationships!
My reflections today are on how the cold season mirrors the cold days of our relationships, and what we can do about it.
When the cold comes too early: One of the phenomena the world is experiencing now is the change in weather patterns, so much that we can no longer accurately predict the weather. However, these changes are not only taking place where the weather is concerned, but also in our social lives too.
A research conducted by one of the private universities in Kenya found out that 77 percent of divorces take place in the first 10 years of marriage. This means that young relationships are increasingly under pressure, and cracking underneath it. It is important to be aware of this trend and work towards ‘cold-proofing’ your relationship early.
Staying too long: Besides coming earlier than expected, cold months seem to be getting longer. My experience from counselling couples tells me that difficult days are not what is killing relationships, rather, the delay in dealing with emerging issues, allowing them to pile up to the level of intractability that inevitably wears the soul.
Know how much cold to expect: From the website www.myweather2.com, I gathered that Nairobi at one time recorded temperatures of five degrees centigrade, a few degrees to freezing point. Unfortunately, that situation mirrors the challenges in modern relationships—they are deeper, much more complex and intricate than has ever been experienced before. Changing attitudes on sexuality, increased individualism, long distance relationships (including those developed online) and other life pressures all make for an explosive mix.
Let’s begin with the hard fact; as sure as July follows June, you will have cold days in your relationship. We cannot hibernate or bury our heads in the sand; we must be willing to address the issues head on.
Let me illustrate this. I went to high school in an area with severe scarcity of water. Taps often ran dry, and our only source of bathing water was a reservoir atop the administration building. To save us the hustle of fetching water, we would wait for darkness and convert the roof top into a massive bathroom (the secret is out former comrades, sorry!).
Now here was the catch; in the cold months, it would get extremely chilly, and only those who were determined to take a bath would brave the roof top. For the rest, we had a ready excuse—hakuna maji! Get the point?
Second, practice patience. The tragedy of our day is the tyranny of the instant where impatience is camouflaged as pragmatism. When it’s cold where we are, we would rather run elsewhere than find ways to warm our lairs. However, the fact is that there will be cold days wherever you go, so hoping from one relationship to another will only frustrate you and leave you perpetually in the cold.
Finally, it is my opinion that people getting into relationships today must prepare much more than others before them because unlike in the past where relationships had a fairly stable temperature, couples today have to fight to keep theirs stable.
In such a scenario, I posit that people need to do more to understand their partners. Questions such as; what values will guide our relationship? How will we handle money issues? Are we sexually compatible?
These, and many other questions should be discussed in the early stages of a relationship. Keep warm.
