Please help me solve this mystery. Why does it seem like we who care more take longer to find love and settle in marriages while the people in our friend groups who come to us for advice get there first? Most of them admire us. They say we’re more emotionally mature, more caring. Why, then, do we still lag behind? Is there anything we’re doing wrong?
You don’t need to change who you are, but you can borrow a leaf from them. First, they’re more direct about what they want. The problem with you is that you’re more likely to be too careful about bothering people. You try to be self-sufficient and to ask for as little as possible.
You circle your needs and give indirect signals, hoping your person will catch it and respond. You anticipate their needs and hope they anticipate yours in return. They don’t. Then you get frustrated. People who seem luckier in relationships, however, communicate their needs and preferences more directly. If they want a treat, they say it. If they need support during a certain time, they say it.
This makes it easier for their partner to give them what they want or to decide if they’re not able to do it. But you? Your silence keeps the right people guessing how to love you by withholding clarity while also keeping the wrong people in your life who don’t have the willingness to love you correctly. Secondly, your carefree friends don’t self-sacrifice. They don’t overdo loving acts, hoping for a sacrifice in return. They love in the same intensity they’re loved. They don’t empty their banks or pour their energy to lift someone’s life when that person is not doing the same in return.
This type of man doesn’t go buying furniture for a woman, paying school fees for her, face-lifting her parent’s house, paying her rent, or doing her monthly shopping just to show how much he loves her. That kind of self-sacrifice hurts too deeply when the person doesn’t self-sacrifice in return. Most people don’t count it as sacrifice. They think they deserve it. So they just say a plain ‘Thank you’ and forget about it. If you bring it up again, they say you chose to do those things yourself. Nobody forced you. They didn’t register it as a sacrifice they need to honour.
If a woman plays wife, spends years giving herself to a man, or even gets a child for him, she’ll be shattered when he casually moves on to someone else once he’s more comfortable in life. When she asks, ‘After all I’ve done for you?’ he’ll simply respond, ‘But who asked you? You enjoyed doing those things yourself.’ When you don’t self-sacrifice, you avoid debts of love and arrears of unreturned sacrifice. Lastly, your lucky friends are not afraid to disappoint people. People’s expectations apply indirect pressure on your life. They expect financial help because you have a good job. They expect you to accommodate them in your house because you live alone.
They expect free car rides to work because you live in the same neighbourhood. They expect unsecured loans because they’re family. Saying no to these kind of people is difficult because it leads to awkwardness and subsequent backlash. This is what makes you keep agreeing to everything even when you’re uncomfortable. Your friends, however, endure the awkwardness of a firm boundary stated once rather than going along with an uncomfortable situation for long. As a result, they progressively filter their relationships towards mutual respect and reciprocity and away from one-sided parasitic connections.
Some people don’t really love you. They just love the way you come through for them. So, until you learn to disappoint people, you’ll think you’re in love when you’re just being accommodated because you’re useful. When you continue giving people more than they deserve, they’ll disappoint you more than you expect. Another thing is that your friends know how to unlove someone when it becomes necessary. It doesn’t mean their hearts have an on-and-off switch, but that they know how to stop investing once red flags appear.
After a connection becomes no longer viable, they make a decision and drop the hope. They accept the change and let their hearts catch up. The wrong thing is to wait for your feelings to detach before you leave. That’s why you get stuck on expired connections, and it takes you months or years to move on. Sometimes you have to force your feelings to detach by not feeding the hope anymore. If you were dreaming of a future with a person but the relationship broke down or you discovered things you can’t put up with, you must make an immediate U-turn. Lastly, your friends don’t parade boyfriend-girlfriend relationships too much. They don’t overidentify with an unrealised goal.
They don’t broadcast their dreams before they become a reality. This leaves them free to move on fast in case it doesn’t end in marriage. But if you broadcast and make it look like you’re taken, it’ll take a lot of work and time to move on in case of a breakup. If marriage is your goal, do not settle for anything less. Do not be too loyal or too patient with interested parties. Take dating as a buildup rather than the goal itself. It shouldn’t last too long or swallow too much of your reputation. These are the little things that will make a huge difference in your dating life. Good luck!
