Dear Daughter: Mothers share the joys, tribulations and expectations of motherhood

In 1907, Anna Jarvis, the founder of modern day Mother’s Day held a memorial service in honour of her departed mother. The following year, the first official celebration of Mother’s Day took place on and more than a century later, it remains as one of the most celebrated holidays in various parts of the world.

On such a day, stories abound of individuals talking about their mothers but rarely do we get to hear from mothers. So we tasked a few mothers to write letters to their daughters on matters life, womanhood and motherhood.

A mother raising a daughter with disability

Beverly Kadega, feminist
Her daughter’s name: Loui Tacey Akolo, 8yrs,

Dear daughter,
It has been four years since you were involved in a hit and run accident that changed your life and status from that of a normal to a special needs child. The accident injured your spinal cord and left you paralysed from your trunk downwards.
We were past the training period and you had achieved all your milestones on time – you were walking, going to the washroom on your own and would do almost everything kids your age did with minimal assistance. I was proud of you and took snaps of your milestones for reminiscence. And even when they happened to fast to capture, I observed and carved them in my heart.

It was on December 11, 2016 when our lives took a new turn and we began another journey, a walk in the desert. Countless are the number of times I have cried begging God to change your story. I have visited different hospitals in Kenya and Uganda and in desperation to get help, I have knocked on herbalists’ doors.

My daughter, if it were possible, I would give up my legs for you so that you could live a normal life like your peers. But as it is, we cannot question God. That is why I have since gathered courage to accept things the way they are and focus more on the bright side of life. It is my prayer that you grow in God’s ways and into a fine young woman.

I am happy to witness your thirst for education, Loui, do it to your level best. You have also warmed my heart by the way you help in looking after your brother when I have to go to work. Your condition has not stopped you from mingling and playing with your peers and you have strong faith! You keep telling me, “mom, when I will walk again….” I admire a lot that about you.

Loui, I want you to take note that you are a special woman and wonderfully made by God. Never look down on yourself and know that you can achieve anything and be anything you want. I know we have not reached a point in life where we can say we are okay, but mama, it is one day at a time. We do not know how, but somehow everything will be figured out. I pray that God may continue giving the strength, peace, courage and all the will that I need to help caring for you the best way I can. Above all I ask Him every day for long life that I may see you grow into a fine woman.

As you grow up, don’t give to peer pressure and be protective of your body. Out here, there are vultures whose only mission is to devour you. Everything has its time so be careful not to mix things up. Focus on making yourself better and independent. If you will ever want to start a family, do so when the time is right. I want you to always look for your happiness from within you. Do not let anybody’s words, deeds and thoughts towards you determine who you are.

I have been told that it is difficult for people with disabilities, especially in a society in pursuit of perfection. However, I have also been told that your condition can open doors of opportunities for and in some places, gives you an edge over other people. When that happens, make use of your time well and grab the opportunities as soon as they knock on your door.

And if there ever comes a time that you feel low or are looked down upon when I am no longer around you to affirm you, always have in mind that you have a family that loves and treasures you so much. That alone should carry you through the darkest moments. Put your trust in God and He will guide your steps.
I bless and love you so much my daughter.

A mother who experienced GBV

Zuleika Yusuf Daffala,
Women beyond Borders Organisation
Her daughter’s name: Aisha Abdul, 18

Dear Aisha,
I am writing this letter to talk to you about the years we lived under the same roof. I know that for most kids, it is always a good feeling being around their families but for you and your brothers, it was life in hell.
For 10 years, you lived in a household full of quarrels that would exacerbate into fights. I saw how it affected you – you became withdrawn and lost concentration in various areas of your life. It was not easy at all
Why did I stay and withstand the lashing, the anger, the beating……? I was afraid of what people will say and think of me. This may sound illogical but that’s exactly how I felt then. In addition, I wanted you to be in a complete family just like I was raised in one.
I look back to the day I made the decision to leave and wish that I had done it much earlier. Although it has not been easy raising you single-handedly without a substantial source of income, seeing your happy face fosters me to even harder.
You are 18 years now and as time goes by, you will start dating. I want you to have in mind that relationships are not similar and just because I experienced violence in mine, it doesn’t mean that you will too. However, I would want to say this – any relationship should begin with friendship and full understanding. Do not force issues. If it doesn’t work out, let it go and walk out.
Never stay in an abusive relationship in the name of society or the fear of unknown. “Where will I go or what will my children eat?” you can figure that out when you are in a safe place. Note that children need a peaceful environment for good health and growth.
Daughter, I take this opportunity to say thank you for being my pillar on those days and even today. You made me realise that motherhood is not just about provision but also protection of your mental health and that is why I dissuade you and your siblings from fighting one another, the need to talk out issues and expressing them calmly.
As a woman, I am much bolder. I can stand amongst people, talk out my issues without any fear of contradiction. Further, it inspired me to start an organisation called Woman without Borders to create awareness of matters gender violence and fight for girls like you. You’ve taught me about choosing peace and I am helping other women do the same.

An adoptive mother

Grace Wanunda
Daughter’s name: Angel Faraja, 6

Dear Faraja

I am writing this and hoping that you will get to read and keep it for many years to come. Before you came into my life in 2015, I was alone. My life was built around church, office and home. It took you to make me realise there was a vacuum in my life.
You changed my lifestyle, made me vocal. The excitement and fulfilment I felt made me go big about the whole issue of adoption. I tell people that when I got you, I felt “ nimefika” to mean I had arrived to a place of extreme happiness.
As you already know, I am this kind of person who lives her life without giving a damn. I didn’t get questions like “when are you becoming a mother” because with my strong personality, I always appeared okay. Everyone thought that I was living my single life to maximum. Now, they ask if I am considering having another child because I have changed –for the better.
Angel, I have always had the impression that as a woman, one needs to know herself and not allow pressure from outside push you to do things you are not comfortable with. And if there comes a time that you wish to be a mother, be. It shouldn’t matter how your children will come – whether biological, adoption, surrogacy…motherhood is beautiful. In whatever form.
Although you are not a flesh of my flesh, nor a bone of my bones, you are still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute that you did not grow under my heart, but in it. Also, keep in mind that motherhood is not defined by how many children you can have. It about you nurturing a child to grow into the person God intended them to be.
I want you know that nobody can challenge me that I need a biological child to make me a mother. I am happy and contented as I am with you. You know that I am open about our adoption story and I have already told that you have two mothers and you know both of our names. I genuinely look forward to walking this journey with you and if you ever wish to, I would want you to meet your biological mother and look her into the eyes and say, thank you.
She is a strong and good woman. She gave life to you and spared it. That’s my biggest desire. I pray that she will welcome you too because the way I see it, it was all God’s plans. She gave you out that I may have you.
That she decided to put you in a safe space, I want us to go back someday and appreciate her because only a strong woman and one who loves you so much can do that. The other day I was thinking of what could happen if you were taken from me and I declared that I would fight for you with all that I have. And in that moment, I thought of your biological mother and prayed for her.
Angel, I want you know that you are safe with me and that what is in my power to provide, I never withhold from you. I will do anything, go anywhere, and give my all, to make you happy.

Carol is a career woman who had her first child at 37 years

Carol Maina
Daughter’s name: Nisa Nguhi Ng’ang’a, 1.5 years
 

Dear Nisa,
I am writing this in haste because I want to get done and come play with you. Let me start by setting the scene. The day you were born, I looked at you lying in the hospital bassinet and I burst into tears when I heard your little cry. I was 37 then and you were my first baby.

To give you some history, I was brought up in a loving home. My parents have been together for over 40 years and still so much in love. I told myself that until I had met the right person, I would not rush to becoming a mother.

So I focused on my career and at some point, I switched to business. With the success of the business, I felt that I was ready to get married and be a mother. My father would always tell us, “Only have children that you can afford to feed. You provide the bread and the man will provide the butter.” And this is the same thing that I want for you – to have children that you can be able to provide for and not just financially but also emotionally.

Nisa, I want you to grow up knowing that you are loved, that you are enough and amazing, no matter what. There are things you will not be able to change such as your height or skin colour. But know there are things you have the power to change such as us your skills, your knowledge and attitude. You already show great character at this tender age and I pray that continues. You are a determined and daring young girl! May you never lose this and instead, allow it to push you to greater heights.
You are such a happy and loving child; the little hugs and kisses you give so freely and always sharing what you have just melt our hearts. Never let the world dim your joy. Your level of focus, zeal to learn new things, ability to get along with others, and many others are just some of the amazing characteristics I see in you my child. May you never let anyone take advantage of this willingness to learn, love and be kind or treat these qualities as weaknesses.

My prayer is that these God-given gifts and qualities will guide you to what your purpose is and when you discover it, you own and pursue in everything you do. That it helps you navigate how to live, your career choices and relationships as well. Whether you choose to go into employment or become an entrepreneur, to choose marriage or motherhood, that, baby girl is your choice. Rest assured knowing I will be here to support your decision and help you navigate and succeed in those decisions. My hope is that I have equipped you to be able to make the right decision for yourself.
Everything I do baby girl is to allow you to be your authentic self so that when you go off into the world, you know you are valued just as you are and choose to be and not what others expect you to be. I want to raise you in such a way that you know motherhood is a choice only you can make and that my actions are not to force that decision on you, but show you the beauty of it. I want you to grow up knowing that marriage and motherhood are not what give you value as a woman, but that you as your singular self are valuable, enough and according to your purpose, you decide how to live that life. That like the women in your lineage, you can grow to have a well-rounded and balanced life, with family, community and career, where you do not have to sacrifice one for the other.
Do not be afraid to make mistakes but when you fall, do not stay down too long. Be willing to seek advice and knowledge. Always know that mama loves you, and will be here for you. To celebrate little and great wins, to help you dust your knees when you fall. The world will always have expectations of you and what you should become; never let those expectations become your guiding light. Stay true to yourself and to your purpose.
Love, Mama.

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