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Dilemma: I love my boyfriend, but something just feels off…
I’ve been with my boyfriend for quite a while, and I do love him and enjoy our dates. But somehow I feel something is amiss. He is not cheating and we are not fighting, but I sense there’s trouble ahead. Every time I try to visualise my future with him, I freeze. Why am I feeling like this?
You need to know each other better which can only be achieved by having more frequent interactions. Give it time as the experiences you go through together will help clear whatever uncertainties there may be in your mind.
W KAGOCHI KUIRA,
Counsellor, Nyeri
It is natural and okay to have doubts or uncertainties about the future. Freezing when visualising the future might stem from various factors, especially when it comes to long-term commitments. First, does he love you the same way you do? If he does, the chemistry should be strong enough to overcome the hesitancy to fully commit. I think that you and your boyfriend aren't truly compatible. Secondly, negative experiences in past relationships or traumatic experiences can cause apprehension about your future. If this is the case, consider sharing the same with your partner, family members, close friends, or a counselor for professional help. Lastly, your goals and aspirations may not be aligned with your partner's, which could trigger your fears. You cannot afford to ignore your conscience. Don't assume that the worries will fade away while in marriage. Take time to reflect on your feelings and concerns. You must discuss them with your boyfriend and be honest with him.
D Mutunga,
From the school of life
FROM THE EXPERT
I would strongly advise you to stop trying to visualise the unknown. You can overthink the future you may or may not have and find that you have sabotaged your relationship due to psychological expectations and deductions of things that do not add value at all. Take each day as it comes. Over the years, I have seen too many couples spoil a good thing with unnecessary thoughts about their relationship. If you genuinely love him and if you make each other happy and content, then that is all you need. You are allowed to not be sure of your love for him, so do look within and ask yourself if your heart is still in it. Sometimes, if things seem to be going too well in a relationship, we begin to have doubts. That can lead to self-sabotage. If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it. That’s my strongest recommendation.
Maurice Matheka is a relationships expert
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
I think my husband has a severe case of saviour mentality, but I don’t know how to help him. He is constantly broke because he frequently sends money to his mother and other family members. He is always the chair of funeral committees and is always the main guest at harambees. Recently, I heard one of his family members calling him ‘wuon dollar’, meaning the father of the dollar, and they laughed about it. I was, however, left flummoxed. How do I bring up this issue without sounding like I'm trying to limit the support he extends to his family members?
