Dilemma: I like being a single mum, but still feel envious of mothers who have husbands
Focus on building a fulfilling life, and the right person will come.
What you need to know:
- At 36, you still have room to look around and find a man of your choice.
- Start by practicing self-compassion and being kind to yourself.
I am aged 36 and a single mum by choice after 10 years of active dating. This has been a very positive decision for me and I am excited about the journey. However, I now feel deep sadness and regret at being unable to have formed a relationship with someone who wanted to have children with me. I am envious of the companionship and support women my age receive from their partners. I have tried to overcome the feeling of being unlovable, but it is difficult. What should I do about this?
As human beings, it is normal to make wrong decisions and wrong choices, and as the saying goes, choices have consequences. Whenever you make a wrong move in life, you have to accept the consequences and adjust your behaviour as fast as possible. At your age you are not that late to get a suitor. Just change your attitude and all will be fine. Try it and you will glorify God for the results.
~ Rev Geoffrey Avudiko Senior Pastor in Mitume P.A.G Church, Kitale
You are in a confused environment and living in denial. You are a 36-year-old single mother by choice but still sad that you have not been able to establish a formal relationship. The good thing is that there's no expiry date when it comes to establishing a relationship. At 36, you still have room to look around and find a man of your choice. All you need is to make peace with your past and focus on finding the one without necessarily bowing to external pressure and making unnecessary comparisons.
Juma Felix
Choices have consequences. The consequences of choosing to be a single mother after 10 years of dating is sadness, regrets and envy. All is not lost though. At 36 you can love and be loved. Start by practicing self-compassion and being kind to yourself. Secondly, identify the source of these feelings. Is it societal pressure, past experiences or negative thoughts? To love and to be loved back is the greatest experience in life and you're worthy of love and respect, no matter what.
D Mutunga, From the school of life
It is normal to feel this way, and it is OK to acknowledge these feelings. You chose a path that’s not for everyone, and that’s fine. You are not unlovable, you’re just choosing to focus on yourself. Try reframing your thoughts. What if your perfect partner is out there, waiting for you to be ready? Focus on building a fulfilling life, and the right person will come. In the meantime, treat yourself with kindness, you’re awesome.
Fred Lastborn Jausenge, UAE
FROM THE EXPERT
I have been dealing with matters of the heart and soul and I can confidently tell you that you shouldn’t be envious of anyone. Your path is your own. Do things and make decisions that add value to you as a sole being. Feeling guilty for not conforming is exactly what the human social construct is designed to do. You are observing other couples and deducing that each one of them is content and happy. That, my dear, is the biggest illusion in our society. I am not discarding partnership I am just stating that plenty of couples are living in fake realities.
You would be surprised that many envy you for creating a life that works for you. You are not unlovable. You are perceiving a reality that could be artificial. You are a free spirit, you should embrace that side of your life and learn to love yourself. Everything else is noise. Ignore that pull to question yourself. You are fine. Now embark on a continuous journey to explore your desires whether it is travel, gifts to yourself or a romance that is not too hectic that it disrupts your soul alignment.
Maurice Matheka is a relationships expert
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
My wife and I have been together for more than 10 years and married for four. I love her deeply, but our marriage is essentially empty of sex and physical intimacy, and she refuses to talk about it. I want to feel more desired, but lovemaking is extremely rare, always initiated by me. I feel ashamed and unattractive. Counselling hasn’t helped us, and my attempts to discuss this issue privately are either avoided or met with anger. Do I simply give up?
