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Dilemma: My wife won’t be intimate with me, should I let her go?
What you need to know:
- Holding titles that bond you does not translate to mutual attraction.
- It’s like saying, because you are married, you both must like the same things.
- I hope that your therapy is trying to profile your core issue rather than patch you up just because you are married
My wife and I have been together for more than 10 years and married for four. We have three small children. I love her deeply, but our marriage is devoid of physical intimacy, and she refuses to talk about it. I value physical intimacy and I am deeply attracted to her. I want to feel more desired and alive. But lovemaking is extremely rare, always initiated by me and follows the same pattern. The rest of the time, I am rebuffed, leaving me feeling ashamed and unattractive. We are already having couples therapy, but this is not a subject we have tackled successfully. Do I simply give up?
Intimacy is supposed to be enjoyed when both parties are involved fully. A number of things lead to good intimacy, including and not limited to good communication and attitude. If one is psychologically disturbed, they experience diminished desire for sex. Try to have a candid conversation with her, she may reveal what is eating her up.
Rev Geoffrey Avudiko Senior Pastor in Mitume PAG Church, Kitale
The deep love you have for your wife and attraction plays an integral role in your union but you need to find out if she has the same affection and love for you. If you are the only one who loves her but she does not love you with the same magnitude, then there is no balance. A woman who does not love you as her man or does not find you attractive will always struggle to accommodate your sexual needs leaving you empty and unsatisfied. Have a candid talk with her to make you understand how she feels without giving up the option of involving a therapist.
Juma Felix
Congratulations on your 10-year union. Every marriage is unique, and what works for one couple may not work for another. Ultimately, the importance of sex in a marriage depends on the individual needs and preferences of the partners involved. That said, sex is essential in every marriage. Regular sex can foster a deeper sense of trust and connection. Sex does encourage open and honest communication about desires, needs, and boundaries, as well as a natural stress-reliever and mood-booster. You're already having therapy, so I’m sure you had discussed all this with your wife. Has she ever raised some issues about the physical intimacy? Has she been like this since the beginning or does she have some underlying unresolved issues that ought to be addressed?
Do not give up. Giving up means letting the 10 years unity go down the drain. Instead, change how you have been handling this matter. Try giving her pleasant surprises. A tour and a night out for just the two of you could work a miracle. You never know, maybe she is preoccupied with raising and taking care of your children and managing the family affairs at the expense of your conjugal rights.
D Mutunga, from the school of life
FROM THE EXPERT
Your predicament is more common than you would think. From your story, the one thing that is missing is whether your wife is attracted to you. She might be reluctant to talk about it because she may feel ashamed to unveil her truth to you. Holding titles that bond you does not translate to mutual attraction. It’s like saying, because you are married, you both must like the same things. I hope that your therapy is trying to profile your core issue rather than patch you up just because you are married. That approach never works. For your relationship to have any chance of surviving she needs to open up without fear of judgement. Giving up is the easy route but I recommend that you tell her you are doing your best, but you are almost giving up, then observe her reaction. Do not expect an immediate response from her. Let her digest what you have shared. We cannot predict what will happen but it will give light to your situation in relation to the health of your bond.
Maurice Matheka is a relationships expert
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
Everyone says the internet is the way to find a date, but I have only had bad experiences with the men I’ve met there. I’d like to start meeting dates in real life, but I don’t really know how to do that especially in this age of technology! Also, I am a bit shy. How should I start?
