After 12 years of marriage and with two children to show for it, Jackline called it a day. She walked out of the marriage and proceeded to court to file for divorce.
“I could no longer pretend, I had no feelings for the guy, we were quarrelling each day and it was unnecessary stress,” she explained when she visited the sexology clinic.
She had come to consult on how best to start a new relationship to avoid the mistakes of the yester years.
On further enquiry, it turned out that in her teenage years, Jackline was attracted to tall and muscular men. The attraction was so strong that when she met John in a restaurant, she could not avoid the temptation to seduce him.
“I was having dinner with my cousin when he walked in, it was love at first sight,” she explained.
She walked to the table where John was seated and initiated a conversation. After creating a rapport of sorts, she asked him for his phone number. That night they exchanged text messages till 2am.
Two days later they were in each other’s arms. They got married after six months. She was only 19 years old then.
But the marriage turned out to be one hell of a life. There was no emotional connection. Intellectually they were worlds apart. Their social beliefs were completely different.
According to Jackline, the man had no respect for women. He treated them like trash and sex objects. Occasionally he turned violent; using his physical might to silence her. He had multiple sex partners and once infected Jackline with syphilis. He was addicted to alcohol and had no idea what investing was about.
“I realise I made mistakes and have wasted 12 good years of my life,” she said sadness painted all over her long dark-skinned face.
Well, there is nothing necessarily evil in falling for a tall-built man. It is important to note that a woman getting attracted to such a man is evolutionary.
At one point in the history of mankind, people depended on hunting skills to get food. Tall men could see far and could run fast, making long strides to catch their prey. Physical strength was of utmost importance in the search for food. Women were dependent on men to get the food since most of the time they were grounded with pregnancy and childcare.
Although those days are far gone, the instinct to go for tall and physically built men still reigns in a few women.
For most women, however, intellectual competence is now more attractive than physical features. Further, women value men who can navigate the current complex socio-economic systems and rise the social ladder.
They also cherish men that they can connect with intellectually and emotionally; and those who respect them, appreciate their beauty, and can express love. In fact, unlike in medieval times, recent studies show that there is no difference in mate attraction between tall and muscular men compared to the average ones.
“So in your opinion what is the one thing I must look for in a prospective sex partner?” Jackline asked looking confused. “You mean physical attraction is not important?”
Well, scientifically physical attraction has been found to play a minor role in mate selection. In one study, men considered to be handsome by conventional definition were dressed in labourer attire giving them the image of casual unskilled laborers while ugly men were dressed to appear like high-end intellectuals or wealthy entrepreneurs.
Women were asked to select a possible mate from the range. None selected the handsome unskilled worker. This shows that there has been a social transformation in the way we define a handsome mate. It is the intellectual professional or rich entrepreneur that women want.
Beyond that, the man has to be lovable, show respect and a caring attitude and be kind to the woman and her children. If they are physically attractive, that is just a bonus, not the key determinant.
Of course, being able to connect emotionally could be the most important of all factors that enhance intimacy. Emotional connection is however only discovered much later after the first attraction, normally an appearance that tells a story about a man’s intellectual capacity and wealth status.
The discovery of emotional connection happens much later and several breakages happen when a woman learns during courtship that there is emotional disconnect.
“So what you are saying is that I will be attracted to a man who looks modern, intellectually competent and wealthy then we will spend time exploring our ability to connect emotionally?” Jackline asked thoughtfully.
Yes, that was a very accurate summary which also shows the importance of courtship. The appearance of a person is the hardware and is what first attracts a partner. But it does not stop there.
In fact, most women would not even have sex with a man until they discover what matters most: the software that the man is made of: their respect for women; their ability to love and care for a woman and her children; and, most of all their emotional, psychological and intellectual competence.
