I’d rather be a mistress than a wife…

Most women look forward to their wedding day for almost all their lives; they live for the moment when Mister Right will pop the big question, they look forward to the whole process of shopping for the perfect wedding gown surrounded by her best friends who are probably her bridesmaids, and the day they will finally walk down the aisle is still considered the highlight of the lives of many women.

Most of these women’s desire to get married is fuelled by the social status that comes with being someone’s wife and the sense of belonging that comes with knowing that the man is your husband and yours alone.

The sense of pride that comes with having beautiful children and a father to teach them how to ride the bike, and just the thought of having a husband and children to come home to at the end of every long day is something that many women look forward to.

But such is not the case for all women, at least not for the modern day educated, high-earning and independent woman.  Such social status does not intrigue her and she does not live for the ‘I do’ moment.

As a matter of fact, while other women are shopping for wedding gowns and trying to turn their men into the model husband, these women have their minds set on things so far away from marriage that they would rather be the other woman.

Mistress by choice

According to Annette Lawson, author of ‘Adultery’ 50-65 per cent of all married men stray from their marriage before the age of 40. While a small percentage of these affairs maybe with women who are themselves married, the majority are with single women.

Some of these affairs are short-lived, ranging from the one-night stand to the short-term interaction before the married man snaps back to his senses and recommits his energies back home.

Other extramarital affairs are long term, often turning into a full-fledged relationship between the married man and his mistress. Some of these long-term affairs may last a lifetime or even lead to marriage in the end.

But contrary to what public opinion about the other woman may be, the profile of a mistress is not always that of a tempting seductress or femme fatale. Neither is she always a weak woman who will accept any love she can find even if it is limited to the trappings of an affair.

Most often, she is a confident, high-earning single career woman who knows what she wants, how she wants it and how to get it. In other words, this woman will the relationship to be on her terms.

Another dire misconception about the mistress is the assumption that she is bent on stealing the married man from his family and making him her husband. 

A good number of mistresses, however, are quite comfortable with the position of being the other woman and would not trade it with that of being the wife.

If she wants a child or children with the man, she will have them and all she will ask for is that the man recognizes them as his.

But should the man gets serious and ask her to consider marriage, she will take off like a bullet. This woman is comfortable in her position and would never want to rock the boat much as it may sound incredible.

Carole* is one such woman; a 30-year-old, self-confident, independent and successful woman with a thriving jewellery business in upmarket Nairobi,  Carole represents the bulk of the educated, independent and successful women who have their properties set on their careers and away from marriage.

Carole has been dating Phillip, a man who has been married for eight years and a father of two for three years now and says that she would never ask him for marriage.

“I wasn’t even looking for a relationship when I met Phillip. I had been in many solid and serious relationships before I met him and I knew that I wasn’t ready for anything serious again. I want to spend more time focusing on and expanding my business. That is why this relationship and being his mistress really works for me”.  

Carole, like many women who would rather be the mistress prefers her relationship this way because of the prospect of freedom it presents. Being the mistress, she does not see Philip as her husband and hence she is free of the wifely responsibilities.

“I have everything I need. All that women want from a man; I can provide it for myself; except for the company which I get from Phillip.  I need that because I am not an island and I get it from him without all the marital responsibilities”

Adds Carole. “His wife worries about what he will wear eat or sleep on. I don’t have to worry about that. I’m happy enough knowing that apart from his wife, there’s only me. Infact, I wouldn’t even want his wife to know about me because of all the drama that would ensue but if she did, I’d like her to know that I’m not interested in marriage or his money because I have my own. I own my house apart from other properties around the country. All I want is his companionship. Personally, I really hate to hear women who are moving with other people’s husband talking about the grief they give the wives. These are the kind of women who have no self-esteem and feel it’s a score to snatch someone husband. For me, the companionship is enough and we arrange in such a way that it does not interfere with his home.”

Carole, however, makes it very clear that the two people in such a relationship must have an open discussion about what each one expects from the relationship. Where feelings are involved, things can get a little messy and it is important to ensure that neither party has any illusions about what the relationship is about.

“I know my place in Phillip’s life and he knows his place in mine. We respect each other and for as long as this relationship keeps on working, we plan to continue seeing each other. Phillip has invested a lot in his marriage and in his children and I watch all that crumble simply because of my selfish needs.”

36-year-old Grace* is another such woman.  The mother of 10-year-old Joel* is a mistress and has no intentions of ever getting married.  All she wants is a father figure for her son and Paul does a good job at that.

“Joel’s father vanished when I told him I was pregnant. I have never heard from him since. I met Paul about four years ago and he is a good role model and teaches my son the things his father would have taught him. He has his own children and he knows what it means to be a father so when he is with Joel, I know that he is not guessing as far as the whole parenting thing is concerned”

One of the downsides that Grace has to contend with is the fact that Paul cannot spend the holidays with her and her son as these are some of the days when his own family expects him to be at home with them.

Not all mistresses have children though. Some are young women who can bug any man they like and get him to settle down with them but that does not seem to appeal to them. Question is, don’t they feel their biological clocks ticking like the rest of the women do?

“When I am ready to, I will have a child with Phillip, but that’s all. Marriage is not in the cards for me!”  she adds as far as children are concerned.

Many mistresses prefer the married man. This is probably because such a man is already taken and will not push for a commitment, leaving the leeway to move on without issues should the relationship crumble. Grace adds that she prefers the married man because he is mature and settled.

“He is already done with all the games that men play and that is very important for me. He is also most often very understanding and cultured. This is because he has already been shaped by his wife into a man who understands what women need,”  she adds.

Carole’s reasons for being with a married man are, however, very different.

“When I met Phillip it started out as a platonic friendship. We talked about business and work and soon he became my confidant. By the time we got to discuss his wife and children, we had already developed deep feelings for each other. If I had known that he was committed elsewhere early enough, I doubt that I would have gone that far with him.”

I know many people vilify the other woman, but from being with Philip, I know that I also play a role in his life. Intellectually, we are at par and he doesn’t have to look over his shoulders that I may be upto some hanky panky or that I will rock his family boat. I’m too mature for that.

It may sound like I’m making excuses for women who move with other women’s husbands but truth be told, many married woman will tell you of their husbands’ exploits with young women who themselves may be having young men their age on the side.

Some of these women are foolish enough to call the wife or make their presence known in one way or the other. And usually there is a lot for drama for the man. Someone like me also wants my peace and quiet and even though I may be faulted for moving with a married man, I have my dignity to uphold so you will never see me jumping all over the place or shouting on rooftops about the affair, she adds.”

Jennifer Njoki, a human psychology professional and a graduate of Nairobi University argues that most mistresses are driven by the tendency to feel the ecstasy of love without the burden of reality and responsibility.

She adds that, the psychology of relationships is that keeping a relationship a secret can lead to further romanticising since you can only think of it in the absence of being able to talk about it. It’s like a constant daydream.

A mistress, finds the affair even more exciting because of the rendezvous which are often in luxurious hotels or exciting destinations far away from the day-to-day drudgery of hers and her boyfriend’s respective home lives.

In this world of the rendezvous, however, two people can easily find themselves quickly falling deeply in love. This has happened to many women.

And while expecting the married man to leave his wife and kids and commit to the mistress has brought many affairs to an abrupt ending, some women have been luckier, getting the rare opportunity to walk down the aisle with the divorced man.

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