Many people who have suffered sexual assault keep the secret to themselves.
After seven years of emotional and physical abuse, Winnie walked out of her marriage. She could no longer bear her husband’s beastly behaviour.
“I know I should have told him about my sexual abuse incident, but whatever the case, it would still have ended badly,” she said when she came to the Sexology Clinic. “Anyway, that is now water under the bridge.”
Winnie was a 35-year-old community health worker. She was married to John, a secondary school teacher. They had three children. Their seven years of marriage had been hell for Winnie. The problem was that she was averse to sex. She feared it. She could never relax during sex. Sometimes she felt pain during sex.
“I cannot say that the pain is much, it is bearable. It is just that my body is not receptive to sex. I do not miss it and whenever I am faced with a sexual situation, my body goes into a panic mode, my muscles tense, my heart audibly races, I sweat and I just push my husband away.”
Sometimes her husband fights back, literally raping her.
Winnie’s distressing sex story started when she was 10 years old. She was defiled by her uncle.
“There was nobody at home. He held me and forced himself into me, it was painful.”
When her mother came back home, she reported the incident to her. Her mother’s reaction was harsh. She beat her up and warned her not to tell anyone. She accused her of tempting her uncle.
“I kept quiet and never told anyone the story, but it caused my body to fear sex,” she says. “My husband does not know about it.”
And so, for the seven years of marriage, Winnie struggled. She had sex occasionally when forced by John. The longer she stayed in the marriage the more it became difficult to have sex, especially because John was getting more and more wild with her on the issue.
“He says I am getting satisfaction elsewhere, that I am unfaithful,” she says, tears rolling down her eyes. “Last year he decided to get another woman to satisfy his needs and with that he became violent, both emotionally and physically.”
Past sexual troubles
My advise to Winnie was clear. She needed therapy to recover from the sexual assault. We needed to involve her husband in the treatment too, both for her support as well as for him to heal from the seven years of accumulated anger towards her.
Winnie was however not keen on this approach. She did not want the man to know about her past sexual troubles.
Actually, many people who have suffered sexual assault go the route that Winnie went. They keep the secret to themselves. For many of them, the feeling is that telling the current partner about the sexual assault can destabilise the relationship. Just like Winnie’s mum, some husbands blame the woman who has been raped.
“I fear that he may start to perceive me differently,” Winnie says. “If my own mother thought of me as badly behaved what do you think my husband will see me as, a harlot?”
The fear that the man will judge or humiliate you, and that it can give them reason to have extramarital affairs, keeps women from disclosing their painful sexual histories with their lovers. Many women find it easier telling a lie about their past. This is because other than the risk of being mistreated, there is the pain of retelling the story. It can bring the whole experience back to your mind. The pain can be unbearable and so many women would rather not face it.
“Actually, keeping the painful secrets private is a way of self preservation,” Winnie interjected. “Telling your story can land you to very serious troubles with the man while at the same time bringing the graphic images of the incident back to your mind.”
“Well, the problem is that you may never get over the incident unless therapy is done and it helps to involve the man in the therapy,” I said.
“Looks to me like whatever way one wants to handle this issue the woman remains a loser. You hurt, you stand the risk of stigma, and you are never sure you will ever enjoy sex,” Winnie said.
All said and done and with all the possibilities of the marriage suffering, treatment is still the best option. Therapy is needed to heal from sexual assault. There are men who support their wives to go through therapy but if you have an unsupportive husband you can still get treatment even if the man is going to use it against you.
At least you will have healed for your next relationship should it be the cause of a breakup for the current relationship.
