Self-blame is common when sex fails. I was therefore not surprised when Annet came to the Sexology Clinic, overwhelmed with guilt. She had no feelings for her husband and the marriage was headed south.
“I have lost the vibe for him. I have no feelings when he touches me, no lubrication,” she lamented. “Sex with him is painful and traumatising.”
Trouble started when Annet was on a work trip with a colleague for two weeks. They spent a lot of time talking and connected at an intimate level.
“The last three days of the trip were dramatic,” she said. “We found ourselves having sex repeatedly. I abandoned my hotel room and spent nights in his.”
The next month, Annet tried having sex with her husband, but she was unable. After enduring painful sex for a while, she simply pushed him away.
Now, at 42 with four children, Annet was not ready for divorce. She spent nights blaming herself. She got treated for depression and even quit her job to keep away from the lover colleague. She blocked him on all platforms.
Annet was going through a common problem among people suffering sexual dysfunctions – self-persecution. Most people with sex failure commonly find reasons for self-blame.
Several men, for example, get erection problems after the age of 50, but think back on their teenage years and remember that they masturbated.
They go into self-persecution. Many feel sinful and repent. Others are unable to reconcile with their actions and resort to alcoholism or other forms of addiction. Others terminate their relationships, overwhelmed with guilt and feeling that they do not want to make their wives suffer because of their bad behaviour.
Infidelity is a huge cause of self-persecution when sex fails. Many feel so guilty that they blame the person they had an affair with for having bewitched them.
All this only worsens the sex failure. Research shows that those who resort to self-persecution do not recover or take longer to get over the sex failure, even when put on treatment. Those who have self-compassion many times recover even without treatment.
“But what is self-compassion, doctor?” Annet asked calmly. “I am ready to try anything.”
Self-compassion is self-empathy. It is when you show tenderness and care to your weak personhood at a time when you have failed to meet your personal standards. At that point, you should be patient with yourself and accept that you are human and that no human is perfect. It is a call to be tolerant of your own shortcomings.
Assume someone you care so much about did the same mistake. You would want them to acknowledge their mistake but not have them suffer long term consequences. You would be telling them that they are not the first in the world to make such mistakes, that people go through similar situations each day. Further, you would tell them that you remain on their side and would want to support them through the difficult time.
Such a person may isolate themselves and go into depression. You would keep talking to them and giving them audience even when the world is against them. You would tell them not to judge themselves harshly.
Now, if you consider yourself to be that flawed person and you provide the same treatment to yourself, then that is self-compassion. Offer food to the person so they do not go hungry at this difficult time. Bathe the person. Keep the person from harm, such as alcohol overindulgence, given that they are vulnerable at this time. If they feel sick, take them to the hospital.
The ability to take charge and show self-love, care and patience is what self-compassion is about. When it comes to matters of sex, self-compassion provides the shortest path to recovery.
“Sounds magical but I do not think it is easy when you are the one at the centre of it,” Annet said, to which I nodded with understanding.
