Do you trust your wife or girlfriend when they tell you that they have a headache at bedtime? What if they say that the back is aching so much that they can’t have sex? Still, there are women who report unending monthly periods, they never dry up.
“It is now six months with no sex. I need to know if she is actually sick or playing games, it is not fair,” Daniel said when he came to the Sexology Clinic with his wife, Jackie.
Daniel was a 35-year-old businessman while Jackie was a 30-year-old teacher. They had been married for six years and had one child. I asked to see Jackie separately in the clinic and after a full assessment, I arrived at a diagnosis of lack of sex desire, a multifaceted problem that affects many women. I could not identify a hormone or other disease causing the loss of desire. What was clear was that Jackie was facing life challenges that affected her moods.
Scientists have over the ages studied women with low sex desire. In one research scientists followed up 3,300 women over a 10-year period, studying their trends in desire for and frequency of sex. They concluded that everything zeroed down to the mood of the woman. If the mood was elevated, they desired and had sex, if the mood was foul or depressed, they lost desire and had no sex. The right mood therefore remains the paramount determinant of whether a woman will want sex or not. Jackie was facing what most women face in the world.
At a certain age in life, there are many demands that spoil the mood. Difficulties at work including bad bosses cause foul moods. Stress can also be at the family level, what with demands of childcare, finances and sick parents. Add to that the frequent misunderstandings between spouses, and sex becomes impossible.
A man who understands the times we are living in can support the wife to navigate through the bad moods. The big question however, is whether men know how to bring back the moods of women.
“Well, Jackie having alternating headaches and backaches at bedtime instead of just saying that she does not feel like having sex is the start of our problems,” Daniel said.
“Let’s be sincere here,” Jackie interjected. “You do not know how to bring me back to the mood, you only get annoyed and blame me for having affairs with other men. You need to learn the art of seduction.”
“You are both right!” I said, noting the difficulties couples have in resolving mood and sex desire issues. Often there is little conversation around the issue. Many men do not know how to handle the situation.
For one, a woman cherishes a man’s care and concern. It reawakens the moods and brings back the passion. That said, it is important to express your feelings rather than assume that your spouse knows what you are going through.
“The problem with men is that they take it for granted and assume that we are aware that they love us. Some also take it as a weakness to confess love and to say nice words to a woman,” Jackie said. “Unfortunately for me that is the mood changer, even when I am in a total mood disaster, his reassurance that he loves, cares and misses me just excites my moods but instead he only quarrels, never mentions the word ‘love’ and that does not help.”
Well, some women also cherish gifts. It does not have to be something expensive. It could be a flower or a chocolate or anything affordable. Just that can turn a foul mood into passion.
“For me, a gift is a confirmation that you were thinking about me, it is not about how expensive it is,” Jackie said.
For other women it is acts of kindness that are a game changer. It is when he serves you with tea, or irons your clothes, or washes dishes because he realises that you are tired. That totally erases the bad mood.
“Sir, we are Africans,” Daniel said. “Some of the things you are recommending are impossible.”
Well, you can choose what best works for your relationship. The good thing is that most mood changers are simple, priceless acts. There are women who just want the man around, not on their computers or watching football but spending quality time with them. They want the man to talk to them. They want the man to listen to them.
It is a tough call for men who would rather spend time in bars or with friends at the expense of their wives. By the time they come home, the woman’s mood is gone and there is no desire for sex.
Overall, mood is king for female sex desire and the successful husband is one who can harness it and keep the woman elevated for years on end.
