My wife is a serial cheater. Can she change?

My name is Kenzie Lee Lusi and I'm 36. There is this girl that I fell deeply in love with though I was married and my wife left after discovering that I was cheating. I told the side chick that my wife had left because of her and we should get married but she also dumped me. I came to realise later that she was also cheating on me with many other guys. Stress became part of me. I tried to convince my wife to come back but she declined and told me to go and marry the other girl. It pained me to be away from my son.

I kept a secret eye on my side chick and had her followed by private detectives. I loved her very much and could not afford to lose her. She became pregnant one year later and she could not tell who the biological father of her child was because she was having sex with different men. It pained me but I had no courage to face her. 

Three years after our separation, she was suffering financially and she had no one to help. I could not just sit and watch her in hardship. I asked her for marriage and she accepted my proposal. I took her in but she started bringing men and sleeping with them in our house when I was away at work. I confronted her but she denied sleeping with any of the men. I did another investigation and located one of them and confronted him. The man spilled the beans and told me that my now wife had said she was unmarried and that I was her cousin and that it was her mother who pays her rent and caters for all her needs. The man confessed in front of her and even blamed her for not being honest and faithful to me. She later asked for forgiveness but denied engaging in sexual activities with the man. I forgave her and we continued living together. She later became pregnant after one month and I was very surprised when she demanded an abortion to which I declined. To me, this was a very clear indication that she was indeed engaging in sexual activities with other men. 

She finally confessed after three years of our marriage that she engaged in sexual activities with one man. I was left confused, stressed, and depressed. I'm now not sure whether our first child is my child. She asked for forgiveness and promised never to repeat the mistake.  My main question is can this woman change? If she started cheating on me before I married her and continued even after marrying her, is there any chance that she has really learned a lesson? I have forgiven her and I love her but I fear that if she continues this way she may infect me with sexually transmitted diseases or I may be raising children who are not mine. I married her because I wanted to change her life and make her the happiest woman in the world. I knew that she was a serial cheater and I thought she would change once I married her. What can I do? I love her very much and I can't afford to lose her like my first wife. I learned a lesson from my first mistake and I have always been faithful to her. She is now again four months pregnant and I fear that the pregnancy may not be mine. 

READER’S ADVICE

You are 36 but you sound 20. You should be mature enough to balance the emotions of a woman as well as to know which one is genuine and which one is milking your cow as you hold the horns. This woman is taking advantage of your forgiving nature. Secondly, it seems you are dating a girl who isn't ready for marriage. She is using you but eventually, she will leave you. Make up your mind and mature.

Gitonga James.M.A, Chuka

Choices have consequences but you ignored those red flags from the beginning. It’s never too late to save your marriage or break it. The situation can be stressful if not handled with care so engage your close relatives and good friends to talk with both parties then get professional help to heal and overcome the trauma. 

Betty Maina

You have made your bed. LIE ON IT. Having said that, I think you need psychological help, in my Christian faith, it is only Jesus who forgives all. Even after finding out, she cheated on you, you still went after her, accepting her when she was desperate. You became her saviour, giving her license to continue her immoral acts.

You have chosen to live with the doubt, and are not sure whether your children are yours. You may develop high blood pressure or die early for having made a wrong choice. Have two meetings, one with yourself, and the other with your wife. Talk in black and white. Then seek professional help.

Beatrice Musiga

Kenzie, you should search your soul for why you are with your wife. If it's to help her financially you can do that even when not living with her. If it's because you love her despite her serial cheating, then be prepared to take it all. Once a cheater always a cheater. Concerning children, do a paternity test to help you discover the truth. Remember what the bible says about marrying an unfaithful wife—that you get soul-tied with all those she sleeps with. This marriage is dangerous. Run. Run.

Mercy Dennis

The greatest mistake we make is to think we can change another person's behaviour or character. You married her because you wanted to make her the happiest woman in the world—a good idea but practically impossible. She's still looking for happiness from other men and through your investigations, you've proved her promiscuity. You started as two of a kind but you changed while she advanced in that line. You knew she was a serial cheater but chose to continue with the relationship.  I advise you to see a professional counselling because you may be more insecure than in love. As I admire your spirit of forgiveness, my take is: Old habits die hard, once a cheat always one.

Wilfred Kagochi Kuira, Counselor Nyeri

It might not be late to have discovered that you made a mistake cheating on your wife and the earlier you take responsibility for your actions the better. The truth of the matter is that your current wife got married to you for the wrong reasons and out of desperation. So even though it looks messy handle your predicament through candid talk. You need to let your wife know that her union deserves respect and entertaining another man is only going to worsen the situation. Ask for forgiveness from your ex-wife and divert your desirable energy to your new marriage. 

Juma Felix 

If she can cheat while she is in your house I don’t think you have a marriage. That is just a waste of time.

Miriam Wambua

From your long explanation, you seem to be desperate for love and have low self-esteem which invariably leads to you being taken advantage of. This woman at face value seems unworthy of you. Bring this issue with a respected senior member of the family and out of the discussion some clarity will emerge. In the meantime, grow a backbone.

Drive Counseling centre, Kitengela

EXPERT’S TAKE

Your relationship with your side chick made sense when your wife was part of the equation. It was the dynamic that your side chick liked hence why she left once she heard your wife was no longer part of the fold. Your mistress was never going to replace the role your wife once played. Your notion of molding her into the woman you wanted her to become was set to fail from the start. You knew she was involved with other men yet you thought that providing for her would form some level of appreciation and devotion to you. You cannot buy genuine loyalty when the receiver is not interested in a monogamous relationship. She was having an affair with you while you were married and your relevance was not based on exclusivity that you yourself did not subscribe to until you felt the obligation to assist her from her financial troubles. Whether you uplifted her or not she was still wild at heart and a free spirit in the social realm. Her indication of wanting to abort your child was one red flag. In my opinion, in relation to her being faithful to you, she is not at fault because she displayed many signs confirming that she was not interested in exclusivity. But you went ahead and over-committed hoping that your intentions of provision would earn you a relationship and sexual loyalty. Based on the foundation you set, you cannot play the 'I have been faithful' card. Perhaps it is time to review both your roles so that you are fully aware of where you both stand and learn to live with the real reasons you are together.

Maurice Matheka, Relationship Counsellor

NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA

I had a guy whom we dated for about four months. We kept breaking and getting back together. He was less communicative and we never had a conservation about ourselves. I felt like I had been dating him because the little conversations we held were all about him; what he hates, how he feels about me and I had no chance to talk about myself in the relationship. So last year July we parted ways. Though, I can’t tell whether it was breaking up or not because we were in a middle of an argument on WhatsApp and he just blue-ticked me. Recently I decided to check on him and he replied harshly making me regret it. He even warned me to take note of what I didn't get clear. What do I need to know? Julie

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