Chris was well aware that flights and hotels to most holiday destinations would be full by now. He intentionally failed to make bookings on time. This has caused disharmony in his marriage.
“I would have used lack of money as a reason for not going for the holiday but my wife is clever enough to have saved through the year for it,” he explains. “The only duty she left me was to make the bookings, which I kept postponing.”
He had hoped that the places and flights would fill up, then they would not have to travel.
For two days now, his wife has not been talking to him. The house has become quite hostile. This pushed him to come to the Sexology Clinic for help.
“I have been traumatised the whole of this year,” he explains. “I do not get erections. I tried swallowing the blue pill but feared side effects. I am told it can be dangerous.”
And so, it is erection failure that has led to Chris’ failure to book the holiday. The whole family, his wife and two children, will remain in the city for the whole holiday season as a result.
“I think you do not understand how psychologically painful it is for erection to fail in the heat of the moment,” he laments. “I have lost weight, most of my nights are sleepless, my wife may soon leave me because I know she wants sex, and I can’t satisfy her.”
Chris’ story is a reminder of what many men and women are going through during this season. People are playing games to avoid situations that may require them to be sexual because of one sexual dysfunction or the other.
Among men, erection failure remains top of the list. Then there is premature ejaculation, where ejaculation happens before both parties are satisfied. Unfortunately, erections go after every ejaculation and both parties remain helpless, many times the woman more disappointed than the man.
The third commonest male problem is lack of desire for sex. The body, mind and spirit, in this case, are not into intimacy. You just do not want to engage even though you know the expectations of your partner. While it is the third commonest problem in men, it is the commonest problem among women where it presents in various ways including the infamous bed-time headaches.
The second commonest dysfunction in women is sexual pain. There are many causes of pain. Commonly, pain comes due to lack of lubrication, mostly when foreplay is not adequate. Pain can however also be due to infection which can be in the vaginal canal or even inside the pelvis affecting the uterus, ovaries and other structures. Another type of pain, called vaginismus, results from painful muscle spasms and can be so intense that penetrative sex becomes impossible.
The third common dysfunction among women is lack of orgasm. There are women who have never experienced orgasm. Their condition is called primary anogasmia. Then there are those who used to orgasm and now can’t. They have secondary anogasmia. Anogasmia of whatever type is not normal and should be treated.
There are many other sexual dysfunctions. Some people’s sexual appetites are out of this world and have multiple sex partners, masturbating all the time and resorting to sex to relieve difficult psychological situations. They have hypersexuality, something akin to addiction where sex is not for the pleasure but to relieve mental distress.
Of late, several couples are also facing challenges due to infidelity. In sexual medicine terms, this is a medical condition that requires treatment. If not handled well, it leads to severe psycho-social distress and even divorce.
Some people also face challenges related to sexual orientation and gender identity. Controversial as it is, there are families affected by men who have sex with men, lesbians, and men who feel they are women. Affected people feel distressed because communities and their families reject them.
Simply, there is no end to the myriad of sexual problems that people face and in fact, it is important to conclude that there are as many sexual concerns as there are people in the world.
Which brings me to the question: To what extent should your sexual worries spoil your holiday celebrations? Ideally, they should not, otherwise many people would not be going on holidays since sexual worries are very common. You are better off just seeking help. See a doctor in good time and get treatment before your holiday starts.
“Are you sure I can get back on my feet in the remaining days?” Chris interjected. “My worry is that when you are out there and relaxed your partner becomes more sexual and the focus on your failures get pronounced!”
The solution lies in seeking help and talking openly with your partner about what you are going through. You are worse off trying to play games to escape the holiday. In fact, bring your partner along when you come for treatment. A discussion with the doctor breaks the cycle of hard feelings and the blame game of who is failing the relationship.
