Rose’s story is one that is recurrent in many relationships. When she met her husband, life was all bliss.
They spent a lot of time together, talked for hours and had great sex.
“If anything was to interfere with our love that time I would have killed myself,” Rose said when she came to the clinic.
But time passes, and life happens. 12 years down the line the relationship is a pale shadow of its original.
“I dread being around him,” Rose says. “In fact, if we are together for more than an hour we must find things to quarrel about.”
As would be expected, the worsening relationship has affected their sex life. They are rarely intimate. Rose suspects that her husband could be having an affair.
So, where did the rain start beating this couple and others that find themselves in this state?
I met with the couple severally and went deep into studying their relationship dynamics.
Continuous seduction
My conclusion was that the couple, both Rose and her husband John, had lost the art of seduction which is critical in maintaining long-term relationships.
You see, relationships are kept alive by continuous seduction. Core to this is that each party to the relationship has to maintain some good level of grooming, hygiene and fashion and present their best to their partners both in the bedroom and in public places.
In other words, you have to love yourself first for others to love you. If you have lost the sense of self-worth and beauty then your journey to relationship troubles is on.
Then there is the whole thing of giving your partner attention. Some men and women are quite dismissive.
The moment their partner starts to talk to them they throw in a word to scuttle the conversation. It is like they do not care about what the partner is concerned about and is trying to communicate.
Instead of concentrating and maintaining eye contact, showing interest and digesting what their partner is saying, they get busy on their phones, get glued to the TV or take to other activities that distract their attention. Their gestures are repulsive and meant to put their partners off. This kills emotional connection.
Yet some people lose charm. When people are courting they can be easy and jokey, they are fun to talk to and can really make you laugh. You converse for hours but do not feel tired.
Troubled relationships
Charm actually keeps intimacy going in 70 per cent of the cases. In those who have lost the art of seduction, however, speech is flat and in monosyllables. They are tiring to talk to.
Like John, men in troubled relationships rarely appreciate the beauty of their wives. No matter how well Rose dresses or grooms so she can be noticed by the one she loves, John makes no comment.
On the contrary, when there is an opportunity to say something negative about Rose, John is quick to attack in the most hurtful way.
In the art of seduction, men learn to appreciate and desire their women, realising that the contrary is frustrating and causes feelings of dejection.
And then there is the etiquette of showing affection in public places. John would never hold Rose’s hand in public. For him it was taboo. He always instructed Rose to walk ahead and he would follow at a distance.
They were like two strangers walking down a road. He would never open the car door or pull a seat for her at the dinner table.
According to him, doing some of these things was a sign of weakness. What he did not know is that it is these small gestures that improve intimacy, confidence in the relationship and emotional connection.
They make a spouse feel appreciated and loved. Public display of affection is reassuring and results in deep fulfillment with your spouse.
Sexual satisfaction
The peak of intimacy is in the behaviour exhibited in the bedroom. At the beginning of a relationship, the aim for most couples is to pleasure their spouse.
They are tender and innovative; they care and do not inflict pain and aim to pleasure their spouses to the highest possible levels.
The equation however changes later in life when the art of seduction is lost. Selfish interests take precedence. Partners seek their own sexual pleasure at the expense of their spouses.
“Yes, most of the time he does his thing then goes into deep sleep snoring loudly as I am left gazing at the ceiling lost for words at his rough and uncaring approach,” Rose said.
“I gave up on sexual satisfaction a long time ago. I accepted my fate because I thought that is how it works in other marriages.”
Well, if that is what your sex life looks like then the equation needs to be reversed by reenergising your seduction abilities. Sexual satisfaction is the peak of seduction prowess.
If you have lost the art, seek help from sexology professionals. It may be just what you need at this point in your relationship.
