At first glance, The Polygamist , a Netflix movie that has ignited an emotional meltdown among Kenyans, looks like just a story about infidelity, betrayal and the chaos that follows when one man indiscriminately pursues multiple women.
The South African drama series has been dissected on social media for days, as women and men debate who deserves sympathy, who is to blame and whether polygamy is a problem.
However, on the sideline, there seems to be a conversation that has little to do with polygamy itself. What if the most important story in The Polygamist is not about marriage? What if it is about the trauma that children born in homes where men are philanderers carry into their marriages?
Nation Lifestyle spoke to women who saw their marriage played on their TV screens and how their partners’ polygamy and infidelity have sparked fears of how their children will handle relationships.
A promotion, more money, new women
Esther, who requested a pseudonym for this article, is 57 years old. Growing up, she never saw her mother cry because of infidelity. Her father was always present.
“I never wondered where my father was. I never saw my mother crying because of another woman. I grew up believing that when two people chose each other, they stay together forever,” she says, “And that is what I knew my marriage would be like.”
“My husband is so promiscuous; you would think it’s a curse. He does it with so much ease, believing the world owes him many women. I have prayed enough, forgiven him more than enough times or changed myself to be a better wife, but things never change,” she says.
“My husband got a promotion at work, more money, new woman,” she tells Nation Lifestyle.
“He never stopped providing for our family. We have never lacked in any way, but we have had countless arguments about his infidelity. He is always defensive, saying he still provides and is present whenever we need him.”
The South African drama series 'The Polygamist' has gained huge popularity on Netflix.
Photo credit: Pool
“He is 58. He grew up with his mother. His father left them and remarried,” she says, “He does not seem to understand what it means to be emotionally tied to one woman; commitment, to him, is an abstract idea. I’ve come to realise I’m not fighting other women, I’m not even fighting my husband. I’m fighting wounds he carried long before I met him.”
Esther says her husband sometimes disappears for days. When he comes back home, he shows no sign of guilt.
“We’re in our 50s now, and sometimes the most difficult conversations are not with him, but with our children, trying to explain a father who has two children outside our marriage, and suspicion that there may be more.”
For Esther, the hardest thing about marrying someone who grew up in a chaotic home is that the chaos feels normal to him.
For a long time, Esther believed she could save the marriage on her own.
“People always ask why women stay,” she says. “But walking away isn’t just leaving the person. It feels like burying the future you imagined, one in which you have already invested 30 years of your life.”
He says, ‘sorry, I will stop’, but he never does
When Mary fell in love, she believed that love and sacrifice were what the marriages she had seen failing lacked.
“I never wanted my children to ever have to be awake listening to adults argue. I wanted them to grow up in a secure home,” she tells Nation Lifestyle.
In the initial years of marriage, the home was full of happiness.
“My husband started growing distant, almost like a stranger, but I thought I was imagining,” she says.
When the truth finally emerged, that he had multiple women, the first thing that came to her was not fury, but shame, as though she were the one who had failed.
“You feel so stupid. You ask him, and he says, ‘sorry, I will stop’, but he never does.”
“The pattern painfully repeats itself. Just when you think, ‘okay, now all we need is to rebuild our trust’, he does it again and it reopens old wounds. One of the cruellest things about a repeated betrayal is it slowly changes the person experiencing it,” the 47-year-old says.
One of the things that pains Mary most is how her husband’s infidelity has stripped her of confidence.
“I have doubts,” she says. “I doubt everything.”
People often ask why women stay in marriages where infidelity is constant.
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“People talk about heartbreak, but they don’t talk about the self-doubt. They don’t talk about how you start comparing yourself to women you’ve never met. You imagine what they look like: fatter, thinner, light-skinned, taller, more sophisticated… Most of the time they are none of these things, but the imagining itself is exhausting.”
I ask her, why have you stayed in the marriage?
“I feel trapped between two pains: staying and leaving. People think it is an easy choice, but it is not; each path has its own burden.”
I married someone like my father
Wangechi, 27, is our youngest interviewee. She says she spent most of her childhood watching her mother fight for a marriage that hurt her more than it made her happy.
“I remember seeing my mother cry, and neighbours speaking openly about my father’s many women, some of whom were known in the estate. We grew up carrying the shame of his infidelity.”
“I told myself I would never stay in a marriage where I wasn’t respected. I vowed to leave the moment a man disrespected me because I had already seen what staying could do to a woman.”
When she got married, she wanted to create a better marriage than her mother’s. When her husband asked her to quit working, she did it, convinced it was a sacrifice that might keep peace between them.
“I wanted a functional family so bad. I didn’t want it to fail, so anything he told me I did.”
After the first baby, her husband, who works abroad, rarely comes home. She suspects he has another family.
“But I am still in the marriage, like many women who carry a little girl inside them, still searching for the love, stability, and security they never received from their fathers. If you find a man who shows you even a little affection, you cling to it, even when he treats you badly,” she says.
If I lose this marriage, who will love me?
People often ask why women stay in marriages where infidelity is constant. Is it because of money or love, or just fear of starting again?
Cleopa Njiru, a counselling psychologist, explains that marriage means different things to different people, and especially women.
“From a cultural perspective, marriage is a sign of identity,” he says. “Wherever you go, and you introduce yourself as a married man or woman, it gives you an identity. That is why some women will get married or stay in marriages where their needs are not being met, or where they are experiencing abuse. They have grown up believing that being called the wife of so-and-so elevates their place in society.”
Beyond identity, there is the issue of image and social acceptance.
“Some women remain in difficult marriages because of how they are perceived by colleagues, family members and society. Sometimes the marriage stops being about happiness and becomes about maintaining an image.”
He points to an attachment theory, which suggests that people’s earliest relationships can shape how they relate to love, conflict and abandonment later in life.
“There are people who grew up with secure attachment. They received consistent love, care and emotional support during childhood. If they get into a marriage where they are being neglected, abused, or their needs are not being met, they are more likely to walk away because they understand that their value does not depend on the relationship.”
The challenge, he says, is among those who developed anxious attachment styles.
Some women believe that leaving their promiscuous husbands will deny their children financial stability or a father figure.
Photo credit: Shutterstock
“Anxious attachment comes with constant fear. If I lose this marriage, who will love me? Will I find another partner? Will I ever be happy again?
Those fears do not start in adulthood. They often begin in childhood and continue influencing decisions many years later.
“Some women stay because they are trying to protect themselves from reliving painful childhood experiences. The fear of a broken family becomes stronger than the pain the marriage is causing them.”
“Some women believe that leaving will deny their children financial stability or a father figure. Even when they are unhappy, they stay because they are convinced they are protecting their children.”
One of the most striking themes from the public discussions around The Polygamist is the growing sentiment among women that nobody wins when a man continually introduces other women into a relationship. Not the wife, not the children, not even the woman who enters believing she has found love.
“We tend to judge these women, but human behaviour is rarely that simple. There are communities where having multiple wives is accepted and normalised. A girl grows up seeing this arrangement around her, so she may see no problem becoming a second wife or entering a relationship with a married man.”
“We are living in a highly materialistic society. There are young women who will enter relationships with older or married men in pursuit of financial benefit or better opportunities. Some may genuinely develop feelings for the man, but there are often practical considerations around survival, stability and economic advancement.”
“As human beings, we are constantly trying to meet basic needs. We need security, shelter and a sense of belonging. Sometimes people make relationship decisions not because they are morally right or wrong but because they are trying to satisfy those fundamental needs.”
“Understanding male behaviour is very important. There is something psychologists call the cycle of abuse, a pattern that can keep women trapped for years.”
“The cycle often begins with what people call love bombing. A man learns exactly what a woman wants, be it gifts, quality time or travelling. For months or even years, he becomes everything she has ever wanted.”
Then the dynamic changes. Tension builds, neglect, and emotional abuse, sometimes accompanied by physical violence. The moment the woman threatens to leave, the man changes again.
“He starts apologising, promising holidays, a better future and all the things she has been asking for. The woman falls in love again, and the cycle continues.”
“There is a concept we call an existential vacuum,” Mr Njiru explains. “It is like a hole in the soul. When people experience trauma, painful childhood experiences, rejection, neglect or significant losses and never process those experiences, they are left with emotional wounds that demand attention.”
For some men, those unresolved wounds manifest through addiction to gambling, alcohol or pornography, while others become addicted to sex and relationships.
“They are trying to fill a vacuum that was created by pain they never dealt with,” says Mr Njiru, adding that many men are socialised to suppress rather than process their emotions.
The psychologist is, however, quick to point out that healthy, stable and fulfilling marriages exist. The difference, he argues, comes down to maturity, self-awareness and healing.
“When people have dealt with their own issues, when they have healthy role models and strong values, when they consciously create the life they want, they can create stable families.”
