More women are choosing to define relationships on their own terms, free from traditional expectations.
In the past, marriage was seen as a rite of passage that marked not just a change in status but, for many women, a shift from miss to Mrs. Today, however, more women are choosing to define relationships on their own terms, free from traditional expectations.
These women are not necessarily interested in rings, grand weddings, dowry negotiations, or even motherhood.
Some do not want to share rooms and may prefer separate homes, valuing their space and independence. What they are seeking is companionship, mutual respect, and emotional support that is not confined by wifely titles.
So do not be surprised when a woman confidently introduces her significant other as her partner, not her husband.
Grace Kariuki, a marriage and family therapist, says the term 'partner' has grown out of a wider shift in language and identity.
Grace Kariuki, a marriage and family therapist.
"Millennials do not want to be 'owned' under the connotation of wife or husband," she explains.
Gen Xers, on the other hand, still attach value to that sense of ownership in identity. "If you look at us, we love to say 'my husband', 'my wife' because it gives us a certain feeling of belonging."
Millennials began to move away from that perception partly because divorce and separation became very common among their parents, who are largely Baby Boomers or Gen X.
Also, Grace says millennial women may be carrying ‘the mother wound.’ “They do not want to become like their mothers, who may now express regret and frustration because marriage took away their value, dreams or opportunities to grow into the women they wanted to become.”
There has also been a significant wave of empowerment around women who no longer feel they need to have a man attached to their man identity. They are looking for emotional connection and, in some cases, for procreation.
When 'partner' feels safer
The language of 'partner' has also become important within LGBTQ communities. People in same-sex relationships may use 'partner' to avoid judgment or stigma.
"If I talk about my husband, people will assume I am heterosexual, but if I say my partner, people do not know which gender I am referring to."
In the same breath, women who are dating married men may also refer to themselves as partners because labels such as side chick, mpango wa kando or ben 10 carry a negative connotation.
There are women who do not mind being second wives, because their needs are not the same as those of the first wife but to protect themselves from stigma, they may adopt the term ‘partner’.
More women are choosing to define relationships on their own terms, free from traditional expectations.
Grace notes that if a marriage fails, connection and intimacy are lost and when children are involved, many couples simply become partners in raising those children.
So what happens when the children leave home?
"Well, that is why most couples are divorcing after 25 years of marriage."
Even so, Grace says that there is no psychological or emotional difference between couples who use partner and those who use husband and wife.
“The label itself does not prove depth, commitment or emotional connection. It is, at its core, a difference in language. I once met a couple where the woman refused to be paid for dowry. But she is committed to her husband."
For others, however, the word partner can bring a sense of uncertainty. That is the reason why more couples are choosing to sign prenuptial agreements. They feel the term is not legally binding and in case the relationship goes south, they may be left in a vulnerable space.
Come-we-stay partners
The rise of 'come-we-stay' arrangements has also influenced the popularity of the ‘partner’ tag.
Couples move in together very early in the relationship, then pregnancy happens. "When they move in, they are partners, not husband and wife," she says.
"Then we also have older people over 35, many of them divorcees. They are not interested in remarrying, but seek partners for companionship."
"Also in blended families," Grace adds. "Maybe I was married before and have my children, or I had children and was not married. Then I meet you, with children and not married, we become partners."
Dr Kenneth Ombongi, an Associate Dean of Research and Postgraduate Studies at the Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences, University of Nairobi, says the term ‘partner’ is a fairly modern Western construct shaped by individualism and transactional equality in relationships.
It arises from a worldview in which relationships are primarily contractual, entered into by two presumed autonomous individuals, each retaining their personal identity, influence, and sovereignty.
However, Dr Ombongi, quoting Facing Mount Kenya by the late Jomo Kenyatta, notes that in African traditional societies, marriage is not conceptualised as a private arrangement between two individuals. It was a union between two families, lineages or clans.
“That is why the name partner is beautifully modern but culturally rootless, with times of death testing the legitimacy of the love or union,” he adds.
For instance, if dowry has not been paid and a husband or wife dies, the relatives of the deceased are, culturally, allowed to bury them without honouring the wishes of the surviving partner. The surviving partner is not recognised and the union was never formalised, even if the couple had children together.
“To be allowed to bury the deceased, the surviving partner, in the case of a man, can pay dowry first,” he explains.
Even in churches, Dr Ombongi says, pastors will ask whether the cultural rites have been fulfilled. It is for this reason that many couples choose each other at three levels: traditionally, civilly and in church.
Is ‘partner’ legally binding
Njuguna Muri, an advocate and a partner at Muri Mwaniki Thige & Kageni LLP Advocates, says the law views people who call each other partners but are not legally married as two unmarried individuals who are cohabiting.
Terms such as 'partner' or 'my person' are terms of endearment, not legal categories.
"Marriage is a legal, yet social, construct. So, unless there is a presumption of marriage arrived at by a court, in Kenya marriage must fall within the five recognised forms: Christian, civil, Hindu, customary and Islamic. Anything else is not a marriage."
Because of this, the law does not automatically give cohabiting partners the rights of a spouse, such as rights to matrimonial property, maintenance or automatic inheritance.
It is here that many of the common legal shocks appear when a break-up, illness or death occurs. Partners suddenly discover that they have little or no protection.
Njuguna explains that in the event of death, the surviving partner is often completely excluded from inheritance by the deceased's legal family, and may even face a bitter dispute over the right to bury their loved one.
The term partner is a fairly modern Western construct shaped by individualism and transactional equality in relationships.
Sometimes the surviving partner discovers that their monetary and non-monetary contributions, such as raising children and managing the home, are not immediately recognised for property division unless they go to court.
Where children are involved, the picture shifts. If partners have a child together but never marry, Njuguna says the law is very clear that biological and adoptive parents have legal responsibilities towards their child, whether or not they are married and whether or not they even like each other.
If they separate, custody is decided on the best interests of the child. "By practice, mothers often gain physical custody of the child, but the court considers many factors, including age, gender and needs of the child, before making the custody decision. The fact that the parents were not married is irrelevant to this decision."
Father does not get automatic parental rights
However, a father does not automatically have parental rights and responsibilities if he was never married to the mother, unless he takes specific legal steps to acquire them.
This, Njuguna clarifies, is different from cases where the mother, or the child, goes to court to enforce parental responsibilities on a father.
"A biological father, or someone who already has parental responsibility, is legally obligated to contribute to the child's maintenance and financial support."
Marriage would be just one of the factors in establishing whether a man has parental responsibility.
Other parameters include his acknowledgement of paternity, signing a parental responsibility agreement or obtaining a court order.
If parents disagree about the needs of the children and were never married, a Parental Responsibility Agreement is useful if it exists. If not, either parent can go to court.
"The courts promote mediation, getting a third party to guide the parents to agree. However, if the parents fail to agree despite effort and mediation, the court will apply the 'best interests of the child' principle, often appointing a children's officer to investigate and provide a report to guide its decision on residence and education."
Property, taking care of children dilemma
Money and property are another minefield for unmarried couples. If partners live together and buy property as a couple, Njuguna says the law looks first at what is on the title deed for land and houses, or on receipts for other assets.
"If the property is in only one partner's name, the law presumes they are the sole owner. In such a case, the other partner must prove their beneficial interest through the law of trusts, especially a constructive trust. The court will look for evidence of direct or sometimes indirect contribution to the purchase price."
If one partner contributed money to buy the property and the other contributed home care, such as running the home or raising children, that non-financial contribution is not an automatic claim.
To get a share of property that is not in their name, that partner must go to court and prove a constructive trust or a resulting trust.
In practice, this usually means proving a direct financial contribution to the purchase or improvement of that specific property, which is often very difficult for a stay-at-home partner.
Children, however, are treated differently under succession law. Njuguna notes that children born in a partnership have the right to inherit from the estate of their deceased parent whether that parent was married or not, cohabiting or not.
"What matters is paternity and not marriage."
Health crises can also expose the limits of the tag partner. Njuguna says, if one partner is in a coma or very ill, the other partner cannot legally make medical decisions for them unless they have been formally appointed through the correct legal instruments.
Protecting yourself...
To protect themselves and their children as an unmarried couple, Njuguna suggests first deciding whether they truly intend to marry. If they do, then registering the marriage within one of the recognised forms brings clarity and protection.
If they do not intend to marry, he advises being equally deliberate on paper. "Expressly document the fact of living together as partners and not as a married couple, so that at the right time the issue is not in doubt."
They should document property ownership and seek legal advice on the best way to invest together, agree and write down how they will raise their children through a Parental Responsibility Agreement. "They could also prepare a will together with a letter of wishes that clearly sets out their marital position and their relationship to each other."
