When my child asked about the absent parent

Every child eventually starts asking questions about their identity, their family, and where they come from. But for single parents, one of the hardest moments comes when their child looks up at them and asks, “Where is my dad?” or “Why don’t I have a mum like other kids?”

For some, the question comes early—perhaps at age three or four, when they begin noticing that their family structure looks different from their friends'. For others, it happens later, when school assignments or conversations with peers bring the issue to the surface. And for single parents, this question isn’t just about facts—it’s about emotions, honesty, and protecting their child's heart while still telling them the truth.

Some parents are straightforward, explaining in simple terms why the other parent isn’t around. Others hold back details, revealing only what they feel their child is emotionally ready to handle at the time. There are those who paint a picture of the absent parent in a way that keeps the door open for reconciliation, while others must navigate the reality of loss, abandonment, or painful history.

But no matter the situation, these conversations shape a child’s understanding of family, love, and self-worth. What words protect without deceiving? And at what age is a child ready to hear the truth?

Five single parents open up about the hardest question they’ve ever had to answer—how they responded, how their child reacted, and what they’ve learned along the way.

Dzedah Otunga, mother of two

The question came when my daughter was seven. She had been playing with her cousins when she suddenly turned to me and asked, “Why do all the other kids have a daddy and I don’t? Why do I only have a grandpa and uncles?”

I froze. No one is ever truly prepared for that moment. I had prayed it would never come up, but there it was. Taking a deep breath, I sat her down and told her the truth—she had a father, but he was not part of our lives. At her age, she couldn’t fully grasp what that meant. So, I reassured her that she had more than one daddy—her grandpa and uncles who loved her deeply. After what felt like an eternity, she said, “Okay.”

I believed in honesty, so I didn’t hide that her father had another family. But after that conversation, something in her changed. She never brought it up again, and I once overheard her telling her cousins, “I have more than one daddy.” She even said, “God is my best daddy!” That both warmed my heart and broke it.

Then she turned 16, and the conversation resurfaced—only this time, it was different. A relative mentioned that she knew her father and claimed I hadn’t been honest. That shattered my daughter. She spiralled, becoming erratic and hostile. She even threatened to quit school. I had no choice but to ask her father to talk to her. It took three painful months before he finally agreed.

Revisiting this topic felt like reopening an old wound—one I thought had healed. It broke me, and I am still recovering.

My advice? Be honest with your child, no matter how hard it is. And protect them from family members who might twist the story. One day, they will find their way to the other parent. When that happens, your truth should match the reality they discover. I’m grateful mine did.

Faustine Lukale, father of one

Talisha has never directly asked about her mother—not in the way most children do. She is still too young to fully grasp her absence. In her mind, her mother is simply somewhere—not gone forever. She doesn’t yet understand what death truly means, that when someone dies, they never come back.

Each time she asks where her mother is, I feel a sharp pain in my heart. I want to tell her the truth, but how do you explain something so final to a child still healing from an absence she can’t fully comprehend?

We have visited her mother’s grave upcountry, but even then, she doesn’t quite understand that her mother is lying there. She looks at the headstone, then at me, and I can see the confusion in her eyes. It’s as if she’s waiting for her mother to return.

Despite the heartbreak, I make sure we talk about her mother often. We go through old photos together, and I tell her stories so she knows her mother was real, present, and loved her deeply. I never want her to feel like I hid the truth or replaced her mother with someone else. If I ever get married again, she must know from the start that the woman in our lives is her stepmother—not a replacement.

The hardest part of all this is knowing that one day, I will have to look into my daughter’s eyes and say, “Mummy is gone, and you will never see her again.”

To other single parents: Give it time. Tell your children the truth, but don’t rush them into understanding. You are a complete family, just as you are. Family is not just a father, mother, and child—it’s anyone who makes you feel loved, appreciated, and at home.

Karen Kang’a, a mother of one

I haven’t had this conversation with my child yet, but I know the time is coming—maybe in a year or two. I want to approach it with care, balancing honesty with sensitivity. I haven’t fully figured out the best way to answer, but one thing is certain: I want my response to be comforting, reassuring, and age-appropriate. Above all, my child should always feel supported and loved, no matter what questions arise.

Lately, I’ve noticed small signs that he’s starting to feel the absence. When he sees other families with two parents, or when he compares our family photo to those of his classmates, I can tell he’s processing something. I’m grateful that his teachers are fostering open conversations about different family structures at school—it helps create an inclusive environment where he can see that every family is unique. I want him to understand that having one parent is perfectly okay. To help with this, I try to expose him to different types of families, showing him that love and support matter more than structure.

One thing that has been weighing on my heart is that he has started calling other people’s fathers daddy. It’s a clear sign that he’s noticing the absence of that role in our home. While I want him to know that our family is complete, I also ensure he has positive father figures around him—whether through extended family or trusted mentors.

That said, I never want to create the illusion that anyone can fully replace a father. Our family may look different, but what matters most is that he is surrounded by love.

Parenting alone can feel isolating. The emotional and physical demands are constant, and sometimes the weight of making every decision alone is overwhelming. But even in the exhaustion, I remind myself that being present for my child matters more than anything.

To other single parents: You may not have endless hours to spend with your child but make the moments you do have meaningful. When the time comes for tough conversations, approach them with love, honesty, and reassurance. No matter what, our children should always know that they are deeply loved and never alone.

Jane Numi, a mother of two

My children have never directly asked about their fathers, but I knew I couldn’t wait for the question to come. I made sure to tell them early on who their fathers were, though their reactions to this reality were very different. My firstborn son learned about his father from people around me, which was a painful experience for him. I could see it affected him deeply, but he never came to me with questions. For my daughter, the father reached out to her on Facebook, introducing himself through social media. They had met a few times when she was younger, but she had no real memory of him.

The only time my son and I talked about his father was when he passed away. I had to persuade him to attend the funeral, but in his eyes, this was a stranger—someone who had never been a part of his life. He didn’t see the need to grieve for someone he had never known.

My daughter, however, wanted to know more about her father. She was eager to understand who he was, but despite the newfound connection, they still felt like strangers.

The hardest part is that as a parent, you carry so much hurt, but your children don’t always understand the depth of that pain. They only see the absence, not the emotions behind it. It takes strength to be honest with them while managing your own wounds.

To any single parent facing this challenge—be open with your children. Tell them about their other parent, but don’t feel the need to explain why things didn’t work out. Let them form their own understanding.

Rachael Muthoki, mother of one

The first time my son asked about his father, he was just five years old. He had started school and noticed that some kids had both parents picking them up or attending school events. His father had always been inconsistent, and eventually, my son began to wonder why.

At first, I told him that his daddy was busy and needed to take care of himself. That explanation worked for years—until he turned 12. By then, he understood more about the world and realised that his father wasn’t absent because he was too busy, but because he chose to be. I didn’t want to badmouth his father, so I simply told him, “I don’t want to say anything bad about him.” Surprisingly, he accepted that answer and didn’t press further.

I chose my words carefully because I knew that honesty and trust were crucial in our relationship. I didn’t want to lie, but I also wanted to protect his heart. Kids without fathers—no matter the reason—often carry an emptiness that’s hard to fill. I could see the emotional toll it took on my son, even if he never fully expressed it.

As he grew older, we had to revisit the conversation. When he finally realised that his father had moved on and wasn’t coming back, I sat him down and reassured him. “No matter what, I will never leave you. We’re a team now. You can always talk to me anytime. We’re going to be fine.” That seemed to comfort him.

The hardest part of all this? The emotions it brought up in me—memories I had buried. But life has to go on. My advice to other single parents? You don’t have to do it alone. Lean on family, friends, or support groups. Your child needs you to be strong, and that strength comes from having a support system.

How to tell your child about an absent parent?

Faith Mbusi, a counselling psychologist at Welllead Consulting  shares some helpful tips:

“As a single parent, few conversations are as daunting as discussing an absent parent with your child. Whether due to separation, divorce, death, or abandonment, the reality of a missing parent can be painful—not just for the child, but for the parent who has to explain it. Many parents delay or avoid these talks, hoping to protect their children from pain. But the truth is, shielding them only postpones the inevitable and may cause more harm in the long run.

Every child will process absence differently. Some never ask, while others become curious early. Some want to know everything, while others shy away from the topic. Regardless of their approach, honesty—delivered with sensitivity—is the best foundation.

When should you bring up the conversation?

Start early, using age-appropriate language. If your child hasn’t asked yet, that doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking about it. Be prepared for moments when they compare themselves to others, like seeing friends with both parents or noticing differences in family pictures. When that time comes, ensure your response is reassuring. Let them know they are loved, valued, and not to blame for the absence.

If a parent is absent by choice, avoid speaking negatively about them. Instead, acknowledge their absence in a way your child can understand. You can say, “Your dad/mom isn’t part of our daily lives, but you are still deeply loved by me and many others.”

For children dealing with the loss of a parent, using direct language is important. Phrases like “Daddy went to sleep and never woke up” can be confusing or even frightening. Instead, say, “Daddy died, which means we won’t see him again, but we will always remember him and the love he had for us.”

One of the hardest parts of these conversations is managing your own emotions. You may feel overwhelmed or unsure of how to comfort your child, especially when dealing with your own grief. That’s okay. Take breaks when needed, lean on trusted friends, and if necessary, seek support from a counsellor.

If your child reacts emotionally—whether with sadness, anger, or silence—give them space to process. Reassure them that all feelings are valid. Expect them to ask the same questions repeatedly; it’s their way of making sense of things.

Co-parenting after separation or divorce

If co-parenting is possible, work together to create a sense of stability. Plan how you will tell your child about the separation, and if possible, do it together. Make sure they know they are not to blame. Let them express their feelings and reassure them that both parents still love them. Even if your relationship with the other parent is strained, avoid speaking negatively about them in front of your child.

Encourage communication with the absent parent when possible, but also set boundaries. If the other parent is unwilling or unable to be involved, find positive role models—whether uncles, aunts, mentors, or family friends—to provide a healthy sense of support.

Being a single parent comes with unique challenges, but it does not mean your child is incomplete. Family is built on love, not just structure. Surround your child with people who love and support them. When the tough conversations arise, face them with honesty, patience, and reassurance.”

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