Dating is described as ‘two people meeting socially with the aim of assessing each other’s suitability as a partner’. Because everyone wants to be ‘suitable’, it’s a natural reaction to omit details that we think will elicit condemnation, shame and rejection. However, leaving these things out for the long term defeats the purpose of dating, which is an opportunity for the other person to match you up to their ideal mate.
“There are some things you can’t keep from someone you hope to be in a long-term relationship with,” says 32-year-old Lynn*, “but obviously there are things you don’t say on the first date.
For example, I have a history of clinical depression. I’ve been hospitalised and on medication before but now I manage it with complementary therapy. So on a first date I just say I exercise and meditate a lot because it makes me feels better, not because it fends off depression and keep me away from a psych ward, which it does. Then if the relationship gets serious, my real personality (and theirs) will emerge when the time is right.”
Susan* is an elegant, 34-year-old woman with a well-paying job. But she is also in recovery for drug addiction. Although she has been clean for seven years and now lives a ‘normal’ life, she still hasn’t learnt how to broach this with prospective non-addict partners.
“I can’t keep the fact that I’m an addict from intimate partners. It can’t work,” she says, “so the dilemma is always when to tell them.”
Sometimes she knows it’s not time to tell the truth yet, “but it might come up before I’m ready (for example when he asks why I don’t take alcohol, which is a gateway substance). If I lie and the relationship gets serious I’ll have to tell the truth eventually, and it would ruin the trust. But when I tell the truth too soon, I can get an awkward reaction; all of a sudden he does not know how to deal with me. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t,” she shrugs, adding that eventually, she has found it easier to only date men in recovery.
“For someone like me who has a lot of skeletons in the closet as a result of my chaotic past, it’s just easier to find someone who understands where I’m coming from with little or no shock or judgment.”
Judy* believes that the minute a couple gets ‘serious’, everything about their past should be laid bare, especially when there’s talk of marriage. “I dated someone for five years. When we got engaged, I found out from someone else that he been deported from the US and was permanently banned because of an aggravated felony. When I confronted him he admitted it.
Everyone thought I overreacted by canceling the wedding, but come on, this man is on an airport watch-list and he didn’t think it was important to mention that?!
Instead of wasting the other’s time, you should let them know what they are getting themselves into from the word go, more so if it’s a deep dark revelation and you are planning a future together.” she concludes.
Eventually, it’s left to personal good-natured judgment to determine what to spill, and when and how to say it. If at loss on how to approach it, you can talk to some else first (e.g. a counselor or a priest) for guidance.
Relationship psychologist Chris Hart explains, “The problem with not disclosing is that when the other person later finds out, suddenly they realise their new partner is not what they seemed all along, that they did not trust them with the information in the first place and they in turn start wondering what else is being kept from them – you should put everything on the table immediately.
“The guiding rule is that if you intend to have a serious relationship, you should be 100 per cent truthful from the very start.
That does not mean spilling everything on the first date – that would be scary! It means gradually revealing everything.
However, don’t even try to hide something serious, not even for a few days! For example if you are a single mum, drop that fact in to the very first conversation, not by saying ‘There’s something I need to tell you…’ but saying something like ‘Oh my, is that the time? I have to go pick up my daughter from school’.
“Always be proactive with the important information, and if you feel you can’t be then that’s your intuition telling you that you are with the wrong person. In fact, if after as little as an hour of wondering if this could be a serious relationship you realise you don’t feel comfortable telling them the truth, then that’s the first indication that you are not with the right person.
“And don’t forget that relationships are about reciprocity - you should not be telling someone more than they are telling you and you should believe that they are also telling you the truth. If this is not happening, end the relationship immediately.”
1. It’s absolutely necessary to come clean if the secret has a direct impact on your current and future circumstances e.g. a huge debt, marital status, prior divorce(s), current children, long-term diseases such as mental disorders, sexually transmitted diseases, disabilities, organ dysfunctions, a criminal record, etc.
If the information has the power to be a game changer, say it sooner rather than later – don’t risk them finding out from other sources.
2. Get to know the person first. The length of time is relative but you have to be assured that they can be trusted with the information. Let bits and pieces trickle in as the relationship progresses – this way you’ll give the relationship a chance while still giving them the chance to choose whether to stay or not.
3. When coming clean, take advantage of when they have just revealed something about themselves. Similarly, you can take advantage when a similar topic is at hand e.g. “…that movie reminds me of when I was in college… I’ve never told anyone that…”
4. If the right moment never comes up, seize any moment and say something like, “There is something I think you should know. I’m telling you this because I feel our relationship has moved to another level and I don’t want to keep it from you.” Follow this up with things you have done to rectify or manage the situation and the life lessons it has taught you. Answer any forthcoming questions truthfully.
5. Some will run for the hills, some will need time to process the information and yet others will surprise you with understanding and appreciate your honesty. It will not be easy, but whichever way it goes, if the secret has been weighing on you, you’ll feel better when it’s off your chest and no longer blocking you from experiencing boundless love.
